Thursday, September 16, 2004

Where the deer and the buffalo roam

"Either your neck hairs are strangely stubby, or you need to shave your back again." This is the kind of advice guys like myself get at the HairCuttery, where I go for a cheap haircut, and leave with grooming tips from 290 pound women who wear DMX t-shirts under their haircutting apron.

If you don't have back hair, consider yourself lucky. I am currently on a once-a-week back and neck shaving program, and if I go more than two weeks without shaving this area of my body, I can use styling gel to spike my back and neck hair, and make myself appear like a 6'3" walking hunchback, if I choose to do so. Not to mention, I have a mole on the back of my neck, and if I'm not careful shaving, I will cut it, and it will bleed for approximately three consecutive months, which means I have to wash a lot of sheets.

I don't know when I realized that I had back and neck hair, although I probably was aware at the time that most members of the opposite sex don't find this feature sexually attractive. I was hesitant to begin shaving there, fearing that the hair would just grow back thicker, but I had no choice, if I ever wanted to get married.

Now that I am married, clearing my back and neck of unwanted hair has become a team effort. A while back, my wife and I purchased a waxing kit. It's difficult to describe the sensation of having your upper back waxed, but I can say that it is probably similar to the feeling Mel Gibson experienced at the end of "Braveheart," except on your back. Also, it didn't work. Among other things, my back hair is wax repellent, and I don't consider that something to be proud of.

I just never want to be one of those guys I see in the gym locker room, who gave up caring about neck and back hair some time ago (if they ever did), and have a back-of-the-head hairline that reaches deep into the abyss of their gym shorts, where it most likely connects with lower back and ass hair. That is not the kind of man I want to grow up to be. Call me a dreamer, if you will.

The other day my wife excitedly showed me an ad for laser hair removal. While many young couples try and save some money for a romantic vacation, I am going to try to set some money aside so I can have my back hair surgically removed. Maybe they can do my mole too. That would be great.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Have you considered electrolysis?