Red Light Special

My mom was waiting at a red light in my hometown of East Brunswick, New Jersey, when she was approached by a man handing out flyers. (As a side note, while waiting to get on the GW Bridge last year, I was solicited by a man offering a telephone - not a cell phone - but a TELEPHONE that attaches to a wall in your place of residence, with wires and everything. Because, like most people, when I'm in the market for a new phone, I want one NOW. I don't have time to go somewhere like Radio Shack, and haggle with some employee who "graduated" from high school. I need a cheap, plastic phone, while I'm in my car, waiting to cross a humongous bridge, just like everyone else. Unfortunately for this particular individual, I was not in the market for a new phone that day.)

Anyway, back to my mom. The flyer she was handed turned out to be an advertisement for a gutter cleaning service in the area. It looked somewhat professional, with the name of the "company" on top, and a listing of what they actually do, which is clean gutters. And it was weird, because as my mom was waiting in the car that day, she was thinking to herself, "Man, I haven't had those darn gutters cleaned since I was pregnant with Mike. I've been meaning to get it done for some time now, but I wonder if there's a place in the area that does this kind of work?" And wouldn't ya' know it, as she rolled down the window to ash her cigar, she was handed that piece of paper.

So as I was saying, the advertisement looked fairly legitimate. But then my mom scrolled her eyes down to the bottom of the piece of paper, where she saw what appeared to be the slogan of this particular gutter cleaning service. And boy was it ever! Many companies are defined by their slogans. They even become second nature to the average American. For example, "Leave Off the Last 'S' For 'Savings'" has been behind many mattress purchases. Also, "Rock-Rock-Rock, Rock Away Bedding...YEAH!" has helped sell all of the mattresses left unsold by the former slogan. And although my mom has spent many years familiarizing herself with witty slogans, the one she witnessed that day took the cake. It was this:

A Lot of People is Switching Gutters to Us

Now my mom has been fooled by gutter cleaning services before (haven't we all?), but the second she saw this, she knew that she had finally met the people she wanted to give her hard-earned money to. After all, it wasn't just a "few" people that is switching gutters - A LOT of people is switching gutters! "A lot of people can't be wrong," my mom wisely figured. Plus, these guys must be so busy cleaning gutters, that they don't have time for "proper" grammar. I mean, who can focus on English when the world is full of dirty gutters?

But then when my mom read it again, she said, "Wait - are these guys selling gutters, or do they want to clean the gutters I already have?" But then she read the part again about how "a lot of people is switching," and she was sold. She was going to call them yesterday, but the phone in the house isn't working anymore. I told her where to go.

Comments

Sean said…
There's a guy on our block who sells meatloaf and lipstick. But only to people who pull up on bikes. He must move them pretty fast, how else could he afford to be so elitist?
Anonymous said…
mike....you IS such a good writer!