Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Someone fought the bank, and I won!

Guess who's $0.49 richer thanks to a lawsuit that he didn't file? That's right - me!

Yep, I received my $0.49 check in the mail just the other day. Well, actually it was sent to my mom's house, at which point my mom proceeded to illegally open government mail with my name on it (I have spoken to my lawyer and he suggests suing her for upwards of $0.60, which he gets half of). Nevertheless, she did hand it over to me eventually at a family function, so everybody in my extended family could watch me open it, and then have a hearty laugh because I am still poor.

Apparently, some guy named Edell (Vladimir Edell, maybe?) sued the Bank of America because the Bank of America screwed him over in some way that was probably explained in detail to me through some correspondence, of which I most likely threw away because it wasn't a check. Nevertheless, he won his case, which resulted in me finally receiving the $0.49 I have been waiting for all of these years, that I didn't know I was entitled to.

I know what you're saying. "But Mike, I thought you originally belonged to Fleet Bank, but then left them because they're the worst bank in the world, and transferred all of the money you don't have to PNC Bank, formerly the Garden State Arts Center?" And you're right. However, what you're forgetting is that when I was in college, I was an esteemed member of Nations Bank, which is now Bank of America, because a branch was located conveniently right next to my dorm. That way, when I had to cash my $56.00 work-study check every other Friday, I could just go next door, and then immediately to buy beer, which kept my average checking account balance at roughly $3.05. That is how banks in college work.

So the whole time I was moving merrily along in college, working nonstop on history papers and resorting to stealing chicken fingers from the cafeteria just to survive, Bank of America was stealing $0.1333333333333333 from me EVERY year! Can you believe it? Me neither. But it's good to know that justice is finally being served, thanks to some guy who's name I already forget.

So if I ever decide to become a rapper - which, quite frankly, still crosses my mind every now and then - I have one-up (or is it down?) on the popular 50 Cent. My name could be 49 Cent, and I would most likely rap about how major corporations can screw you over if you don't pay attention, and how you better hope that some guy you've never heard of files a lawsuit so you get your money back, which is the kind of content all the kids are listening to today.

And if you (yeah - YOU!) don't think I'm depositing this check then you're crazy. Every little bit helps when you're newly married and a new homeowner and you're stealing chicken fingers from the supermarket just to get by.

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