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Tim Salmon, 1996 Topps Profiles by Kirby Puckett series Some of you may recall that glorious time when Barry Larkin selected a handful of lucky players that he referred to as “ Little Dawgs ” because he did not know their actual names and who, as a result of being deemed Little Dawgs by shortstop Barry Larkin, became part of the unpopular Little Dawgs series of baseball cards. Those were great times, am I right? Of course I’m right. In that vein, today I present to you a card from the “Profiles by Kirby Puckett” series. Personally, I find these cards to be even more enjoyable if you say, “Profiles by Kirby Puckett” in the same “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy” voice used on SNL. But that’s just me. Before we continue, I’d like to say rest in peace to the late Kirby Puckett, who was a great player and one of the brightest stars from my heyday of baseball card collecting. The subject here is Tim Salmon. Let’s begin in the only way we know how: with “Kirby Puckett Insights:” I like Salmon as ...

Note: This column appears in the 8/27 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/28 issue of the Peoria Times I had an interesting morning a couple of weeks ago. Would you like to hear about it? No? Well too bad. It was Wednesday morning and I was up at my usual time of whenever our seven-month old foster son decides to get up. So who knows…4:30am? I have not woken up with the sun in five months, so all I know is that it was dark. I embarked on my daily morning routine of bringing our foster son downstairs with our dog Mac happily following in my footsteps. I put the little guy down on the carpet so I could feed the dog. Then I let Mac outside so he could do his thing. As I approached our foster son and got ready to pick him up, what did I see resting on the nearby tile floor trying not to be noticed? Yes. A scorpion . So that was cool. A scorpion. In our house. Just feet away from a toddler. I celebrated this early morning surprise by smashing the scorpion to bits with my sandal. I smashed...

Heathcliff Slocumb, 1996 Topps Star Power series If you know anything about star power -– and I think that you do -– then you know that not only did Heathcliff Slocumb have it, but he also encompassed the ideals of star power better than any other baseball player in the history of the game. I mean, hey -– just look at all those stars! If you were a fan of the Philadelphia Phillies in the mid-90’s, then you went to the ballpark to see Heathcliff Slocumb, plain and simple. Sorry rest of the 1995 Phillies! Basically, you threw on your Heathcliff Slocumb jersey and went to the park hoping that he would be granted the opportunity to come out of the bullpen and save the game, so that you may bear witness to his star power and also his 1.51 WHIP. What’s that you say? For nostalgia’s sake you’d like to see a monthly breakdown of Heathcliff Slocumb’s 1995 season? Why sure: Interesting that they included “October” in that breakdown, and doubly interesting that Heathcliff Slocumb’s star power di...

Note: This column appears in the 8/20 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/21 issue of the Peoria Times Ever since I could grow it, I have had facial hair. In one form or another. As a young teenager it was the wispy mustache and patchy beard. Later on it was the goatee. In college I rocked the thin-beard plus goatee combination, which I only now realize made me look like a rejected member of the Backstreet Boys. Besides appearing dangerously older to members of the opposite sex, another important attribute of this early facial hair was my increased ability to buy beer. To this day I sport the facial hair. Currently I am enjoying the beard that is not fully a beard, but more like a “third day on ‘Survivor’” beard. This look was popularized by Don Johnson and Bruce Willis in the 80s, so obviously I am up to date fashion-wise. The irony of it all is that this look is supposed to say, “Hey, I don’t care…shave, don’t shave, whatever, man,” but I actually have to trim it to keep it that way...

Scott Fletcher, 1987 Donruss Diamond Kings Scott Fletcher, what happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher’s mitt… When he wasn’t being recreated as a 60-year old man in watercolor form, Scott Fletcher was busy playing baseball in a mediocre fashion. Back of the card, elaborate: Scott Fletcher has developed into one of the steadiest I hate to jump all over this thing right out of the gate. Really, I do. But: “steadiest” = meaningless. and most productive shortstops in the AL. Well, okay, I guess. Considering that other shortstops in the American League in 1987 included this guy , and also this guy , then…yeah, whatever. But a “Diamond King?” Listen –- you can’t just name anyone a Diamond King. Not when, along with the prestige of the title of Diamond King comes the accompanying thrill of being the subject of such an artistic rendering, with a mini-you playing defense and all types of cool lines and graphics and stuff. This is serious. And no offense to Scott Fletcher –- well, ...

Note: This column appears in the 8/13 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/14 issue of the Peoria Times Let’s say, hypothetically, that you are Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson, and the artist formerly known as John Cougar Mellencamp. You are a combined 712 years old, but you are still jamming. You want to bring your brand of folksy-country-Americana music to the Valley, but you are not sure when, or where. So you consult your concert promoter, Jam Productions, who are, coincidentally, the same promotions company aligned with the Chicago White Sox. In turn, you agree to be the first musical act at Camelback Ranch, an outdoor venue and the spring training home of the White Sox and Dodgers. The date you choose is August 11th. At 5:30 pm. What could go wrong? If you are indeed, and not hypothetically, Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson, and John Mellencamp, or one of the thousands of fans who bought tickets to see the show, what went wrong was that the show was canceled . Due to the heat. Considering that ...

While in San Francisco last week, my wife and I, after dinner, decided to go somewhere for dessert and coffee. For whatever reason, on this particular night, I was very much in the mood for dessert. I wanted one of those brownies with nuts and ice cream and caramel dripping from it. It’s called different things in different places, but I refer to it as a “brownie blast” because it is, and usually results in, a brownie blast. Luckily I found it on the menu of the place that we went to, which was just a diner. My wife was content ordering some kind of coconut cake thingee. So a few minutes later our desserts come out and they are just completely ridiculous. The ice cream on my brownie –- and by brownie I mean twelve brownies -– is stacked so high that I can no longer see my wife across the table. Her slice of coconut cake was not a slice, but a complete cake, one that a person might purchase at a bakery if he or she was going to a wedding and the bride had called beforehand and was like,...

Pascual Perez, 1989 Donruss Ahhh, the 80's. Where a guy like Pascual Perez could utilize his “Here Is What I’m Throwing –- Betcha Can’t Hit It” pitch, accompanied by a comical sneer, and still maintain a job in Major League Baseball. Nothing against the great singles hitters of 1989, but I am presently enjoying myself by imagining the result of this particular pitch meeting Albert Pujol’s bat. That was fun. Anyhoo, let’s find out more about Pascual Perez, shall we? I am going to pick a year off the top of my head and we will examine the statistics of Pascual Perez and then compare them to the rest of Major League Baseball during that year. Ya’ know, for fun! The year that I randomly selected is 1986: 1986 OUT OF ORGANIZED BASEBALL Bad choice on my part. Wikipedia , thoughts? Released by the Braves on April 1, 1986, he missed the entire 1986 season. So, he just…missed it? No injury? No minor leagues? No nothing? Bob : So, Pascual. Looks like you’...

Note: This column appears in the 8/6 issue of The Glendale Star and the 8/7 issue of the Peoria Times Two weeks ago our foster daughter woke up crying in the middle of the night yelling “I sick!” We took her temperature and it read 103.5. It wasn’t that surprising to us, as she had felt a little warm when we put her to bed that evening. Also, things had been progressing too healthily over the past few days for something like this not to happen. My wife and I compromised: she would stay home with her that day, but I was going to take her to the pediatrician’s office before work. This was obviously going to be a fantastic day. Because of the circumstances we could not go to our regular pediatrician, but we had been to this office before when our foster daughter had pink eye. I remember because it was like “Children of the Corn” in the waiting room, with kids walking around like zombies. Some were crying and others sat silent with breathing masks on. My only retreat from the horror was w...

Today we continue our randomly strung-together series breaking down "classic" songs that I am reminded of when I hear them somewhere and suddenly come to the realization that, "Wow, that song is stupid." Featured here is Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You." I left out a few lines and the mercilessly repeated chorus. Please enjoy. ------------------------------------------- You say this time you’re really leaving I heard your suitcase say goodbye Your suitcase did not like, literally, say goodbye. That would be crazy. I heard that freakin’ thing rolling all over my new Brazilian hardwood floors, and I was like, “Well, guess the bitch is leaving…again.” Well as my broken heart lies bleeding You say true love, it’s suicide True love is like suicide because after you’ve been a total jerk to someone that you apparently love for like, many years or something, inevitably your heart will fall out of your body as that person finally and justifiably decides ...

Okay. So his nickname was "Rich." Got it.

Alvin Dark, 1993 Ted Williams Card Company Collection This week we return to the well that is “The Ted Williams Card Company” collection, in which Ted Williams himself –- or, more likely, someone other than Ted Williams –- selects a handful of old-timey baseball players and creates new baseball cards for them so that we, the baseball-card-buying public, can fantasize about what it would be like to have an actual card of one of these guys from their playing days, instead of something that is worth four cents. Today we feature Alvin Dark. Back of the card, holla atcha boy: While most managers come from the ranks of major-league players, not many have careers as successful as Alvin Dark’s. I have major problems with this sentence. This card is from 1993. I’m certain that many of the young baseball fans who came across this card had no idea who Alvin Dark was, much less that he was also a manager who last managed a game in 1977. This sentence assumes that it is common knowledge that Alvin...

Note: This column appears in the 7/30 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/31 issue of the Peoria Times I have started riding a bike again. I had vowed to buy a bike from the moment we first moved here. Of course, I vowed to buy many things upon moving here and discovering the Arizona lifestyle, things that included a golf cart, a pool, an RV, a mister system, one of those Hummer / golf cart hybrids with the iron bars that families in our neighborhood use to go trick or treating, a barbeque built into a giant slap of concrete, and yes, a cowboy hat. To my surprise, many of the things on my wish list cost more money than I had anticipated, and I still cannot foresee a scenario in which it would be appropriate for me to wear a cowboy hat, nor can I find one that fits in a way that would prevent people from saying, “Look at that idiot in the cowboy hat.” My most feasible desired item remained a bicycle. I saw myself riding my bike on a beautiful November morning next to my wife on her, mo...

Matt Nokes, 1988 Topps In 1988, Matt Nokes was awarded by Topps the “All-Star Rookie goblet.” And rightfully so, as Matt Nokes, drunk off of goblet juice, hit 32 home runs in 1987, his rookie season. Unfortunately for Matt Nokes, this proved to be the best season of his career, although he did play pretty good ball for the Tigers and Yankees thereafter. I hope that opening paragraph whet your pallet. Because if you are like me, you want to know more about Matt Nokes. Like, right this freakin’ second. For example, did Matt Nokes –- professional baseball player -– enjoy playing baseball? Matt played Little League, Babe Ruth League, and Palomino League Baseball. That is noteworthy because, as many people know, most professional baseball players do not start playing baseball until college, if that. Albert Pujols, for example, was drafted directly out of an insurance company cubicle, and showed up wearing jorts for his first minor league game. So Matt Nokes obviously had a leg up on the com...

Note: This column appears in the 7/23 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/24 issue of the Peoria Times There are two things that the newcomer instantaneously realizes about the Valley: 1) it is hot, and 2) the drivers are awful. I have written about the driving here before. To no avail, apparently, as little has changed. Thankfully, my opinions have recently been echoed and backed up with lukewarm evidence. Allstate released its “ America’s Best Drivers Report ” last week. (In the car insurance world, this is the equivalent of the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue release. Except sexier .) If you haven’t read the report then I don’t want to ruin the ending, but let’s just say that we lost. Not quite a surprise, considering that the most noise Valley residents make is in opposition to measures that make driving safer, like, oh I don’t know… traffic cameras . Still, for me personally, it feels good to know that Allstate has my back, and that I am not turning into an 80-year old man sha...

Jack Clark, 1991 Score Jack Clark –- seen here leaving his bat magically suspended in thin air so that the hitter behind him will not have to drag his bat all the way from the on-deck circle to the batter’s box -- was awesome. Jack Clark’s awesomeness is even more awesome when one considers the various obstacles that he bravely endured throughout the course of his major league career. The year of nineteen-hundred-and-ninety was especially cruel for one Jackson Clarkson: Jack managed to survive a herniated disc in his lower back, You have to remember -– this is 1990 we’re talking about here. The fatality rate of herniated disc cases was over 97%. a fractured cheek bone How a person can play baseball with a fractured cheek bone is beyond me. Though, I imagine that it’s similar to the experience of playing baseball after you’ve been hit in the cheek bone with a baseball. Uncomfortable, though not impossible, since you don't need your cheek to swing. and a number change (to 00) to smas...

Note: This column appears in the 7/16 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/17 issue of the Peoria Times When we informed our family over two years ago that we were moving to Arizona, the reaction was predictably mixed. They were happy for us, but sad to see us go. It was my uncle however, that had some practical advice: Watch out for scorpions. This advice has proven to be invaluable, especially considering that every single person we initially asked about scorpions upon moving here reacted indifferently. I have come to believe that this is a vast conspiracy, and that every person who lives in Arizona privately acknowledges not to make a big deal out of scorpions when newcomers ask. The state brochure should read, “Arizona: What scorpions?” I cannot tell you how bonkers it drives me when people do not react with the proper indignation when it comes to this subject. Arizona is home to the bark scorpion, which Wikipedia -- my source for all social, spiritual and scorpion-related informa...

Steve Lake, 1991 Score So many words come to mind when I think of Steve Lake. Intense. Gamer. Mullet. Steve. Sweaty. Chest protector. Rainbows. Omg, I just called a fastball down broadway that was hit 600 feet, but I’m going to pretend it was a pop up. Eye black. It becomes difficult to gather all of these thoughts and words and emotions re: Steve Lake together to form one, all-encompassing statement. But difficult is not always impossible. Back of the card, take us home: Steve is the best defensive backup catcher in the league. Splam. Pop! Take it the biz-nank. Of all the catchers in the entire league (just National, not Major…I think) not good enough to start, Steve Lake is the best. At defense. And if you think this is an arbitrary statement just carelessly tossed out there to add some pizzazz to the otherwise pizzazzless resume of Steve Lake, here are some stats to back that up: Unhappily, How did we get to “unhappily” already? We have barely scratched the surface of Steve Lake’s b...

Note: This column appears in the 7/9 issue of The Glendale Star and the 7/10 issue of the Peoria Times I have some bad news for anyone currently waiting at a Glendale light rail stop. You might want to catch the bus. It was revealed last week that the proposed Glendale light rail project will be delayed by “at least two years,” which, in government-controlled construction terms translates to: 30 years. The current economic circumstances have made building a light rail less of a priority, apparently. Still, this is a surprise, especially considering the vast popularity of the Phoenix light rail, which has experienced no problems. Unless, of course, you count accidents , the reported mistreatment of its operators , and a general state of confusion as it relates to where it goes and why you would ride it. In fact, the Glendale delay is Phoenix’s fault, as the city is forced to wait on the construction of Phoenix’s 19th Avenue extension, which itself has been pushed back from 2012 to 2014....

Frank Viola, 1991 Score Dream Team Here is a picture of Frank Viola wearing a black turtleneck and holding up an apple. For further explanation, let’s head to the back of the card: Frank was “Sweet Music” to the Mets in ’90. Frank Viola’s nickname was Sweet Music because his last name, Viola, is also the name of a bowed string musical instrument that is part of the violin family. Therefore, many considered the manner in which he pitched to be, metaphorically speaking, as sweet as the music generated from the instrument that bore his name. Hence, an apple. Throwing what many consider to be the best changeup in the game, he won his first seven decisions and ended up a 20-game winner for the second time in three years. Changeup is code for apple. A happy man with a lot of little kid in him Frank Viola was –- and hey, knowing Frank Viola, which I don’t, probably still is -– a happy fella, which is good to know. This, unfortunately, did not stop Chris Hansen from confronting Frank Viola af...