Bon Jovi: "I'll Be There For You," explained

Today we continue our randomly strung-together series breaking down "classic" songs that I am reminded of when I hear them somewhere and suddenly come to the realization that, "Wow, that song is stupid." Featured here is Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You." I left out a few lines and the mercilessly repeated chorus. Please enjoy.

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You say this time you’re really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye

Your suitcase did not like, literally, say goodbye. That would be crazy. I heard that freakin’ thing rolling all over my new Brazilian hardwood floors, and I was like, “Well, guess the bitch is leaving…again.”

Well as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love, it’s suicide

True love is like suicide because after you’ve been a total jerk to someone that you apparently love for like, many years or something, inevitably your heart will fall out of your body as that person finally and justifiably decides to leave you. Snapple fact: Every person who has ever fallen in true love has died of suicide.

You say you’ve cried a thousand rivers
And now you’re swimming for the shore

I hope you didn’t actually say that. Because that is totally stupid. Really though -– you’re swimming in a sea of your own tears towards the shore? A shore that symbolically represents a person who is not me? Please. You should have swam back to third grade literature class so you could have come up with a less-cliched metaphor than that.

You left me drowning in my tears
And you won’t save me anymore

See that? THAT’S how you do a tear-metaphor. Bam. You’re swimming in your tears? Well I’m drowning in mine. And you won’t even save me! See how I twisted that around? Now you’re the bad guy in this scenario. That’s why I’m Bon Jovi and you’re just some person. But seriously -– don’t leave. I love you.

I’ll be there for you
These five words I swear to you

Yep. I checked. It’s five words. I had to combine “I” and “will” though to form a contraction, or else it would have been six words. And I didn’t want to say “these six words” because “six” sound like “sex,” and “Sex Words” is the name of a new R. Kelly album and I didn’t want people getting confused.

When you breathe I want to be the air for you

I don’t even care. I’ll be air. Whatever. Breathe me in. Bon Jovi air tastes like Aqua Net and tube socks, so it’s pretty much the best air around. The point is: I’m there for you. Like air.

I’d live and I’d die for you

Listen, I just thought of something. I can't really die for you, because then I wouldn’t be there for you, right? Hmmm? Exactly. But I would totally live for you. I mean, not just for you. My mom, too. And a few other people. But I’ll definitely stay alive. If that’s what you want.

Steal the sun from the sky for you

You want the sun? I’m freakin’ Bon Jovi. I’ll go up there and get it. And that shizz is like a million degrees or something. Whatever. What’s that sky? You want a piece of me? I don’t think so! I’ll lasso that sun with the complimentary rope they gave me from “Young Guns.” But hey -– when the rest of life in this galaxy becomes unsustainable because of your bizarre and selfish demands, don’t blame me. I’m just saying.

Words can’t say what love can do

Indeed, they cannot. Although I just tried, and some of the words I used involved me stealing the sun from the sky. That’s probably as close as any words have come to nailing what love is all about. I smell a Grammy.

I know you know we’ve had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place

That time we went to the county fair and you dropped your Toasted Almond bar on my crotch? I stuffed that time in my closet next to my slippers. And you say I don’t care.

I can’t promise you tomorrow
But I can’t buy back yesterday

I hope you are enjoying your ride on the Bon Jovi excuse train. I wash my hands of all past mistakes and I guarantee nothing when it comes to the future. Also, today I have to go to my cousin’s house and then we have a show at nine, so you’re on your own. I don’t really know what else I have to say to convince you that I’ll be there for you.

And baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your Valentine

You think they wash these microphones on tour? Pfft. I am as blue collar as it gets, except for the puffy hair, makeup and assless chaps. Plus I was totally going to take you out for Valentine’s Day until you asked me to use hand sanitizer before diving into my bucket of Alaskan crabs. You are so high maintenance and I’m so blue collar. I’m like Billy Joel and you’re like Christie Brinkley, to use an analogy involving a less-talented musician than myself.

I’ll be the water when you’re thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I’ll be wine

Are my metaphors involving things that the human body consumes in order to sustain life/get drunk becoming redundant? I didn’t think so.

And I wasn’t there when you were happy

Could it be that my absence in some way played a part in your happiness? I hope not, because then I will have a write a new song. A song about cowboys!

I wasn’t there when you were down

Let’s just lay it all out there, okay? I was never there. But now I will always be there. I don’t understand your skepticism.

I didn’t mean to miss your birthday, baby

Okay, so I missed your birthday. But I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t as if I was all like, “Oh, it’s her birthday today? Whatever. I’m just gonna sit here and play checkers and maybe make out with someone!” No, baby! I was doing something. And she didn’t even mean anything. Also, happy belated birthday. It’s a toaster. But wait –- pop it up. See? Two tickets to “Cats” tonight, upper deck! I can’t go.

I wish I’d seen you blow those candles out

What did you wish for? Me to be there, probably. You’re so clingy. On my last birthday I wished to write the greatest rock ballad ever.

So yeah, wishes do come true.