Thursday, April 26, 2012

Consumer report: colored bubbles

We recently went to the park as a family and before long, our daughter wanted to blow bubbles. As a mini-surprise that my wife had secretly stashed away, she broke out the Crayola Colored Bubbles. In a scenario of “which spouse made the correct decision?” I am almost always on the losing end. But the second I saw these bubbles I was like, “This looks like a terrible idea.” On this rare specific occasion, my instincts actually proved correct, so I figured I’d record it for historical purposes.

Because it was, in fact, a terrible idea.

Granted, it wasn’t so much a terrible idea on my wife’s part—she had the best of intentions, and only purchased something that was available for sale. It is more, I would say, a terrible idea on Crayola’s part. I don’t want to go overboard here, but Crayola Colored Bubbles is definitely the worst item on the market available for consumer purchase.

This is how it went. I saw the bottle and said, “This looks like a terrible idea.” My wife was like, “Whatevs.” She blew a round of orange bubbles. My daughter was like, “Yippie, bubbles!” She popped one bubble and orange crap went all over her shirt and shoes. We stopped the bubble-blowing process immediately. The stains proved permanent. The end.

We decided to look at the bottle. Most of the bottle is filled with pictures of colored bubbles and images of kids and cartoon kids having boatloads of fun blowing colored bubbles. The fine print, however, stated essentially: Do not use these bubbles under any circumstances.

Here are the Preparation and Clean-up Tips from the bottle, also on the website:

Get Ready!
A little preparation can go a long way to help you enjoy the exciting fun of outdoor messy play.

Get ready to prepare! Readying myself for having fun responsibly is almost as fun as the fun itself.

Play Outside: Colored bubbles are for OUTDOOR PLAY ONLY. Grassy and dirt areas away from houses, patios and decks are best for less mess and cleanup. NEVER use at formal events like weddings.

That Crayola even has to explicitly specify this seems to imply that some moron actually used colored bubbles at her wedding and sent Crayola an official letter of complaint: Dear Crayola, used yer colored bubblz at my wedding. thought it would be cool … not! wtf? my dress is ruined and everybody hates me and also now I am divorced. it’s too late for me, but plz don’t let this happen to other brides. thnx, Misty.

Get Clean! While they are messy, Outdoor Colored Bubbles are designed to clean up from most outdoor surfaces. To see how it cleans up, watch the video above.

Other than not having to watch an instructional video on how to clean up the inevitable mess, I can think of no better way to have fun than to watch an instructional video on how to clean up the inevitable mess.

Skin: Simply rub to remove color from skin—it magically disappears! If needed, wash skin with soap and water to remove any remaining bubble solution.

This product is awesome! It comes right off your skin … eventually! It’s not like those other products that stain your skin permanently! Also, please scrub the skin immediately so that the potentially harmful chemicals used to color the bubbles are not absorbed into the pores. Here is a commercial that will air in three years: Did you or someone you love use Crayola Colored Bubbles and are now experiencing dyslexia or shortness of breath? If so, call Harris, Goldberg, and Johnson. Are we having fun yet? I am not!

Clothes: Launder promptly in a washing machine with warm water and detergent. Repeat if needed. Pre-soaking may help with the removal of heavy color marks. KEEP AWAY FROM fine clothing like silk, leather and suede any other material that cannot be washed.

The ratio of fun-to-hard work here is unlike anything I have ever seen, especially considering the actual act of using these bubbles is no fun at all. And we haven’t even gotten to the “Outdoor surfaces” part of this.

Outdoor Surfaces: Hose down outdoor surfaces like asphalt and concrete sidewalks and driveways with water to wash away color. A good soaking rain or a few days of bright sunshine also helps to remove color. Not recommended for use on concrete less than 6 months old. KEEP AWAY FROM marble, stone, wood and other porous surfaces—color may penetrate and stain these surfaces.

Here is the best way to use Crayola Colored Bubbles: Dress your children in disposable, child-sized bee keeper outfits, let them play with the bubbles in an open field far away from developed society, and then hope it rains.

Need more cleanup and stain removal information?

Yes.

We're here to help! Our Crayola bubble experts are ready to answers any questions. To see how they clean up, please watch the above video or contact us at
1-800-CRAYOLA
.

I would like to call this number, just so I can ask, “Aren’t these just too many sacrifices to make in the interest of bubbles that are colored instead of clear? My child does not know what day of the week it is, so I’m pretty sure she is okay living in a world with only clear bubbles.”

Also, if I ever meet someone who is a self-proclaimed “Crayola bubble expert,” then and only then can I say that I have truly lived.

5 comments:

troy said...

You were wise to memorialize this time that you were right and your wife was wrong. There will not be many. The key here is to not overdeploy this weapon. It will lose its effectiveness with each repetition, and I'd say it will be completely meaningless the third time you say it. So save it like water in the desert.

Captain Canuck said...

yeah... that stuff was recalled here in Calgary last year when it first came out. The stores selling it took it off the shelves.

Crayola has some amazing products. this is not one of them.

mkenny59 said...

@ troy: excellent point. If it should happen that my instincts ever prove right again -- though unlikely -- I will keep that information to myself until the time is right, and I will deploy that weapon gracefully.

@ Captain Canuck: I feel inspired that I complained about a product that was actually recalled in another country, which I totally did not know. Sort of makes me feel less like a complainer and more like a -- what's the right word here? -- hero. Like a hero for America.

Thanks for the comments!

Dave Brigham said...

This is funnier than that old SNL skit about "Happy Fun Ball"!

mkenny59 said...

Ha, thanks Dave!