Thursday, August 25, 2011

Classic card of the week


Darryl Strawberry, 1991 Scores

Everybody knows that Darryl Strawberry is a master at blasting. And also that he is The Franchise. But I have a question about Darryl Strawberry, and I’m wondering if Score, the baseball card company, can answer it. Here is my question, and it’s a three-parter: Darryl Strawberry’s mere presence. Important? Also, do people feed off him? Not his flesh, but like, his ability or something? Finally, can he carry a team of nine players including a pitcher and will them to win if he so chooses? (Bonus question: Does he have an exciting swing?)



Darryl is one of those rare ballplayers who makes his team better because of his presence.

Lesser players make their team worse with their presence. Or, worse, only affect their team in the way that they play baseball for that team, and otherwise said team treats that player’s general existence as a matter of indifference. Not cool, lesser players!

When he is on a roll, he carries the Mets.

I do not enjoy the precondition that Darryl Strawberry must be on a roll to carry the Mets. He is always on a roll, and even if he’s not, he will still carry the Mets, albeit to a place they do not necessarily want to go. Like a chick flick. Or CVS.

His swing is exciting even when he strikes out.

Even when he strikes out looking, it’s more exciting that watching a different player with a less-exciting swing hit a home run. Oh, Bo Jackson hit one into the upper deck? BO-RING! Way to be right-handed with a more compact swing, idiot. Merely imagining what Strawberry could have done to the pitch—even if (especially if!) he missed it—had he swung excitingly, is more exciting than almost anything. Fact: the excitement of watching Darryl Strawberry strike out four times (78.5 on the excitement scale) is more exciting than the Batman ride at Great Adventure (65.8).





When Darryl is focused in, he can carry the Mets.

Again with the preconditions. Darryl Strawberry has laser-like focus. Did you SEE “Celebrity Apprentice?” His mere presence catapulted someone other than him to win the show.

Almost singlehandedly, he lifted the Mets from fourth place into the NL East division race.

He did, at one point, have to use both hands, but that was only because Ron Darling put on a few pounds after going on the DL.

“The other players feed off him. His mere presence in the lineup energizes them.”

“I didn’t feel like getting a hit today,” Howard Johnson said after an afternoon game in 1989 in which he went 1-for-4. “But when I saw Darryl’s name in the lineup, I don’t know … it just energized me. I mean, he’s usually in the lineup. But for some reason I thought Skip was giving him the day off. So when I saw his name there I was like, ‘Dude. Bro. Let’s do this.’” When Strawberry was removed in the eighth inning for a pitch runner, Johnson subsequently allowed seven ground balls to roll through his legs.





The moment that Darryl signed with the Dodgers, he instantly transformed them into a prime contender for the 1991 NL pennant. That’s how much of an impact Darryl can make on a team.

When Darryl Strawberry discovered a clause in his new contract that required him to play baseball and not just like, exist, he was like, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”

“Ever since I’ve been here, if Straw hits, everybody feeds off him,” said Doc Gooden.

“Unable to suck from the Strawberry teat, Mets wander around aimlessly, starving, in outfield, lose 81st straight,” is a headline from the Daily News in 1991 that is totally true.

“When he’s hot, he can carry any team on his back,” said Padre GM Joe Mcllvaine.

A focused, hot, Darryl Strawberry on a roll could literally carry the Empire State building on his back up a stairway into the clouds, and when he reached the top, all of earth’s inhabitants would join to feed off him, and his mere presence would make them better people, and then he would toss the Empire State building into the air, grab his bat, swing excitingly, and master blast that thing into the stratosphere, proving he is The Franchise. Then, he will come back down to earth, and fire himself from a Donald Trump reality show because he doesn’t really feel like being there anymore.

My questions have been answered. Thank you!

Did you know?
When asked if he was interested in having the Padres be a team Strawberry could carry on his back, Joe Mcllvaine replied, "Oh heck no. Too much baggage."

4 comments:

Hackenbush said...

I guess there's no need for me to comment.

mkenny59 said...

Oh but there is! And thank you for one!

Joe S. said...

My favorite article yet - I've got tears in my eyes at work. Perhaps the fact that Straw is my all time favorite player makes it that much funnier, but this is good stuff. LOVE the Bo Jackson line!

mkenny59 said...

Thank you, Joe! Had no idea you were such a Straw fan! May I dedicate this post to you then, after the fact? Consider it done. Really though, thanks for the kind words ... they mean a lot.