Classic card of the week

Michael Barrett, 1999 Topps “Scouts Choice”

Michael Barrett is a “Scouts Choice,” which means—without even having to look at the back of the card—he has grit, heart, a gritty heart, hearty grit, is a winner, a leader, a leader of winners, a winner of gritters, and also he is scrappy, and a throwback to other scrappers, and a leader of throwback heart-having scrappers. But: does he play baseball? Let’s see what the Bowman scouts have to say.

HITTING: Shows nice, balanced, under-control swing…

As opposed to other major league prospects who show not nice, unbalanced, out of control swings in which they fall down and also their pants fall down.

Knows how to put the ball in play…

Asked the secret to putting the ball in play, Michael Barrett leaned in close to the scout and whispered into his ear, “By hitting the baseball in fair territory.”

Has hit the ball harder every year.

The hardness with which Michael Barrett hits baseballs has increased exponentially each and every year. This is an actual statistic called HQTWSS (Hardness Quotient That’s What She Said) and Barrett’s HQTWSS went from 34.8 in 1997 to 36.9 in 1998, and so on and so forth. In the year 2017, Michael Barrett will hit a baseball so hard that it will hit the outfield seats and the stadium will fall over on its side. “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.” – Scouts

BASERUNNING: No real base-stealing speed, but is aggressive with infallible instincts.

Michael Barrett doesn’t have speed on the bases, but he will run anyway, and every decision he makes on the bases is the right one. He is the Pope of running around the bases.

DEFENSE: Made the “typical” shortstop-to-catcher conversion…

I don’t know why typical is in quotes. Is that sarcasm? The scout who I am picturing in my mind does not compute sarcasm, so … I don’t know.

Now he may be a third baseman –

I thought he was a catcher. I am very confused.

where’s he excellent…

Is that a question? All of the above? None of this is making sense to me.

Behind the plate, shows mobility and feel.

As a catcher, Michael Barrett can move and possesses the sense of touch. Rejoice, Expos pitchers—no more throwing to cardboard cutouts of famous buildings!

ARM: Strong and accurate, regardless of where he plays.

“And get this,” said the scout. “His arm ability remains the same no matter where he finds himself on the planet. It’s almost as if the complex laws of geographical arm strength don’t apply to him!” Arm is also good for punching.

SCOUT’S FORECAST: Though on a yo-yo between positions,

What about third base? Triple yo! YO-YO-YO!!!

Barrett is an asset on both sides of the ball

Sphere or sphere? It doesn’t matter to Michael Barrett! Asset! Michael B-asset!

no matter what number follows his name on the lineup card.

Whether it’s the number “C” or the number “1B” or the number “3B” or the number “PH” or whatever, Michael Barrett doesn’t care. Just get ‘em in there already!

He is a leader and a hustler, and should have a nice career.

If we are speaking in generalities, using only folk wisdom combined with things pulled out of thin air that in no way can be proven, and are ignoring anything related to actual baseball-playing ability, then I know everything I need to know about Michael Barrett. Except which position he plays. But that doesn’t matter. Because his arm works anywhere. Yo-yo. Scouting!

Did you know?
Besides Michael Barrett, another "Scouts Choice" is the turkey club at Milly's Diner off State Route 76.


Bo said…
One of the best ones yet. Super funny.
Bill said…
Coming soon, "Threat Level Midnight 2: Hardness Quotient," starring Michael Scarn.
mkenny59 said…
Thanks, Bo! Bill, I love it. Also would work well with, "Boner Bomb: Hardness Quotient Unleashed," or something. You really can't go wrong either way.