Thursday, June 23, 2011

Classic card of the week


Bo Jackson

Crack, the horrible and deadly addictive drug, was introduced to the streets in the 1980s by—according to noted historian Kanye West—Ronald Reagan, who “cooked up” the drug and planted it in the streets because … I’m not sure what his motive was there, actually.

Anyway, in the 80s there were two sides to the crack issue: those who liked and enjoyed crack, and those who opposed crack. As a means of adding brevity and friendly competitiveness to an otherwise extremely violent and heart-wrenching situation, MTV, in what would ultimately become the first of its popular Rock n’ Jock Series, in which people like Dan Cortese could hit a 10-point basketball shot, decided to host a baseball game.

Through which spectrum the nation as a whole viewed the crack issue would be decided by this baseball game. On one side was the “Turn Your Back on Crack” team, led by actual baseball AND football player Bo Jackson, who once single-handedly defeated a bumblebee. They had blue hats and uniforms. Their motto was, “No Caine,” in which the “0” in “No” was struck-through, which kinda made it seem like were against not having cocaine, but most people, I think, got the intended message. There were no other team members.

On the other side was “Team Crack,” a team of crack addicts. They were led by Jimmy, a.k.a. “Jim-Jam,” who event organizers found asleep in the stadium parking lot the morning of the game. Their uniforms were jeans and their motto was, “Gimmie Some Crack!” No one from Team Crack showed up for the game, including Jim-Jam, who never returned to the field after excusing himself to go use a payphone.

In an effort to be sensitive to the issue at hand, there were no first and third base lines, so all balls were in play. That's what she said. As a safety precaution, all fans were asked to sit in the upper decks, as games with a “crack” theme did not traditionally end well.

Fortunately for America, Turn Your Back on Crack won the game 26-4, thanks in large part to Bo Jackson’s “blonk-a-donk” hit in the fifth inning, which was a ball that bounced off of three seats in the stands and which, by Rock n’ Jock rules, earned his team 20 “blonker points.”

And with that, it was decided: Crack was bad, and people, especially kids, if offered crack, should turn their back on the drug. Said Jackson after the game, into a microphone held by Michael Rappaport while “YMCA” played in the background, “Remember, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish by literally looking the other way!”

Then he broke his bat over his thigh to thunderous applause. It was then that Jim-Jam returned, looking for his left sneaker and asking if anyone had a few bucks for the bus.

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