Classic card of the week

Brad Lohaus, 1992 Fleer

Brad Lohaus, a.k.a. Toby Flenderson, was a prisoner in his own body:



A small shooting forward trapped in a seven-footer’s body

“Ahhhhhhh! Get me out of this seven-footer’s body!” is what the 5’11” shooting forward version of Brad Lohaus would scream from inside the robotic walls of his gargantuan master. These screams often came at night, waking the children.

And –- nitpicking alert! -– why is it a small shooting forward that’s trapped in Brad Lohaus’ body? Just to provide more contrast to that silly statement? I mean, why couldn’t it be an average NBA-sized shooting forward trapped inside? Also: what is a shooting forward? That’s not really even a thing. Why didn’t they just say: “A shooting guard trapped in a seven-footer’s body?” That way I could humorously picture Hubert Davis trying to awkwardly operate the arms and legs of Brad Lohaus. I smell sitcom!

I would be remiss not to mention that I myself am a 6-foot, 195-lb Hawaiian fullback trapped inside of a 6’ 3” lanky white dude who blogs. I will clear an aisle at the supermarket like nobody’s business.

But let’s continue. From the top:

A small shooting forward trapped in a seven-footer’s body, Lohaus is a shot-blocking

I just want to cut it off right there to illustrate a point: Highlighting Brad Lohaus’ shot-blocking ability first and foremost in no way justifies how or why he is a small shooting forward trapped in a seven-footer’s body. In fact -– based on his shot-blocking ability alone -- it’s more likely that he is a seven-footer trapped in a small shooting forward’s body. Or, more simply, a seven-foot tall person.

Okay, I am done. From the top. Again:

A small shooting forward trapped in a seven-footer’s body, Lohaus is a shot-blocking, three-point specialist

Okay. So there it is. Brad Lohaus is a really good shooter for a big man. Got it. Wait, what? There’s more?

who runs the floor well

“A small Kenyan trapped in a seven-footer’s body…”

Did you know?
R. Kelly’s next groundbreaking project is entitled: Trapped in Brad Lohaus.