Classic card of the week

Pat Perry, 1991 Score

Oftentimes the backs of baseball cards tend to glorify their subject, regardless of that subject’s talents. This technique is reminiscent of those NFL Films pieces that aim to put a positive spin on an 8-8 Cincinnati Bengals season in which half of the roster went to jail by highlighting that one quarter of decent play that will signify next season’s turnaround. In fact, it’s typically these arbitrary stats for mediocre players that I tend to highlight and make light of on this here blog. Because I am a jerkface with nothing better to do. Anyhoo…

Enter: Pat Perry.

Nobody here has ever heard of Pat Perry, correct? Correct. So he’s probably not great. But still a major leaguer. His baseball card should highlight his positive attributes. Let us begin:



Pat, a soft-throwing southpaw middle reliever,

So far? Not impressed.

has suffered a lot of baseball rejection in his 13-year professional career.

This is not a good start. However, I look forward to hearing about how Pat has bounced back from these times of rejection to attain success, however minimal. After all, he does have a 13-year professional career, so something good must have happened.

He has been released three times and traded twice. Nine times he has played with at least two teams in one year.

Sure, that is rejection, I guess. But also acceptance, as teams always seem willing to make room for Pat Perry. Also: such is the life of the lefty middle reliever. They’re a hot commodity around the trade deadline. Obviously, the guy is not Sandy Koufax. But this is his own freakin’ baseball card for crying out loud. Can I hear about the time he struck out a couple Cardinals one time in 1989? No? Okay. Continue:

The lowest ebb of Pat’s fortunes came in 83’

I’d like to please alert you now to Pat Perry’s face (he looks a little bit like David Cone morphed with Erik Bedard, no?) appearing next to this biographical tidbit. He’s got a look that says, “Please, please don’t tell them about the lowest ebb of my fortunes in 1983, when I was picking through the dumpster behind Chicken Holiday while downing a fifth of Jack Daniels. Seriously. Please don’t tell them that. Nobody’s perfect here, okay? Please?”

when he was cut by Double-A Columbus (Astros) in June, signed by Double-A Buffalo (Indians) in July, cut 12 days later and finally signed by Class A Springfield (Cardinals) in August.

Pat Perry: You told them. Thank you. Thanks for nothing.

At any rate

I’d like to translate “At any rate” as: “Even though I –- the writer of this card -– have exhaustively outlined the horribleness of Pat Perry’s horrible baseball-playing ability, which is none, and horrible”…

Pat was signed as a free agent by the Dodgers in December ’89 after he was cut by the Cubs.

The nerve of those Dodgers for signing Pat Perry. Didn’t they know about his low career ebbs that occurred six years earlier? Those ebbs were bound to resurface.

Unhappily,

Thank you, card, for specifying that what comes next will take on an unhappy tone. For everything leading up to this point has been one big can of happy juice.

he was on the disabled list the first two months of the season with a shoulder injury and was used sparingly after that.

The end. Thanks for dropping by, Pat Perry! Here’s your card. And just remember -– when you think things are going bad in life, and you doubt even yourself…you’re probably right. Because you are horrible. Try not to get released today, okay? Jerk.

Did you know?
The most negative baseball card ever recorded was the 1913 Topps Sam “Piano Keys” Shumaker, which alleged that Shumaker was to baseball what “leprosy is to people.”