Thursday, April 02, 2009

Classic card of the week


Randy Kutcher, 1991 Score

Without further ado:



Randy was a handy guy for the Red Sox to have around in ’90.

Blane Lowenbrau, senior writer: Boss, check it out –- got a great lede for the back of the Randy Kutcher card.

Fritz Maxwell, managing editor, Score: Lay it on me broskie.

Blane: Ahem…”Randy was a handy guy for the Red Sox to have around in ’90.”

Fritz: ...

Blane: ...

Fritz: ...

Blane: ...

Fritz: I'm sorry Blane. Can you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention.

Blane: "Randy was a handy guy for the Red Sox to have around in '90."

Fritz:...

Blane:...

Fritz:...

Blane:...

Fritz:...

Blane:...

Fritz: Remember earlier today, when I said I wasn't paying attention? Well, newsflash dude -- I was paying attention. Just couldn't believe what I was hearing. Love it. But hey, listen, you got the ol' wheels turning, and I want to slide on my creative boots. Try this one on for size: “Randy was a dandy guy for the Red Sox to have around in ’90.”

Blane: I tried dandy, boss. Wasn’t really feelin’ it. It's too easy, ya' know? Like, "handy" works on so many levels. First, it rhymes with Randy. Also, he's a utility guy, so he's handy. Like a utility belt. That a handyman would wear. With tools in it and stuff. Cause he's a 5-tool play-

Fritz: Alright shut the heck up already. I wasn’t married to it. But one more option, thinking outside the box here: “Kutcher was a butcher when it came to opposing pitchers.”

Blane: I see where you’re going there, boss. I really do. And I like it. Thing is, he wasn’t really a butcher. He hit one major league home run last year.

Fritz: I like that. Research. You’re getting a raise. Alright everyone, listen up! We’re going with “handy” and we’re running with it NOW! Johnson -- start the press!

A hustling ballplayer

Randy Kutcher once hustled so hard to first base that his mustache fell off. True story. Also, he was out.

whose love of playing baseball is infectious,

Symptoms include diarrehea, headaches and nausea. If your baseball erection lasts more than four hours, please consult your manager.

he can play every position except pitcher –- and who knows, he might toe the mound if given the chance.

I would venture to say that most professional baseball players can play every position. Whether they can play every position well is quite another story. Speculation that Randy Kutcher would, if given the opportunity, also pitch poorly, is neither relevant or handy.

There he batted .316 in 35 games before being brought back to Boston to function as a super utilityman.

Randy Kutcher: Randy Kutcher reporting for duty, sir! What is my function?

Red Sox manager Joe Morgan: Your function, Mr. Kutcher, is to be a super utilityman.

Randy Kutcher: I’ll get my cape.

Did you know?
Joe Morgan once said of Randy Kutcher, after managing him for 63 games: “I haven’t seem him play, so I can’t really say. But he reminds me of Ken Griffey, Jr.”

1 comment:

Bill said...

Randy Kutcher was also Ashton's older brother, and was the originator of the prank TV show format. But instead of tricking people the way Ashton did on Punked, Randy would trick them simply by being a hustling ballplayer. Unfortunately, like his career batting average, Randy's pranks were only successful .228 of the time, and the show was canceled.