Classic card of the week

Alfredo Griffin, 1990 Bowman

Bowman remains to this day the worst brand of baseball cards ever made. A 1991 scientific study performed by Dr. Claude Frazzelberry at the University of Wyoming confirmed that the average human being’s enjoyment of the game of baseball dropped 89% after looking at a Bowman baseball card.

The Topps Company, threatened by the sheer awesomeness of Upper Deck, responded in 1990 with Bowman, thus appealing to that untapped market of baseball fans without eyes. I would say that this is the most boring baseball card ever, but then somebody could easily show me any other Bowman card from this set, and I would change my mind in two seconds.

I mean, hey –- what’s not to like? It’s a picture of a Dodgers player posing! Or maybe it’s a coach. This guy looks like he’s 45, so I am not sure. Where is his name? Oh, at the bottom of the rainbow border? Let me see…(squinting)…okay, Alfredo Griffin. Glad we figured that out. Anyway, it’s an overcast day at a spring training practice field, and Alfredo Griffin is smiling at me. I think I am going to take a nap. But first let me turn this card over, because possibly I will be wowed by the aesthetic quality and interesting biographical info contained within:



Oh. It’s an Excel spreadsheet. That is fun and also enjoyable to look at. Maybe if I turn the card over sideways I can determine what in the freakin’ hell is going on here. No, that does not help. Why are there random teams listed on this spreadsheet? Wait. Hold on. Though not explicitly stated, it would appear as though these are Alfredo Griffin’s stats against each team during the 1989 season. That is good, because I was wondering how many doubles Alfredo Griffin had against the Philadelphia Phillies in 1989, because that is information that I will be able to use later on, during discussions about -– and possibly with –- Alfredo Griffin. I will use my magnifying glass to view these numbers, and then I will decode what those numbers mean and then I will know where to find the treasure that is buried underneath Alfredo Griffin’s house.

Wikipedia, save me:

Has one of the more famous nicknames used by ESPN Announcer Chris Berman: “Fettucini Alfredo Griffin.”

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

...

...

I just wanted to let that one hang there for a little while. Fettucini alfredo is a pasta dish and Alfredo Griffin is named Alfredo, so that is what happened there.

Did you know?
Bowman is the opposite of this.