True Hollywood Bore Me

There has been a long-standing rumor throughout the Hollywood community of the existence of a secret “Formula for Comedic Success.” Legend always had it that the secret formula was locked up in Sinbad’s attic for almost two decades, right next to Sinbad. Well, in case you haven’t heard, or noticed, the formula has been discovered. Yep — the secret has leaked out quicker than a Hollywood sex tape starring a D-list celebrity with something to promote. The formula is out, and now EVERYBODY knows the secret to how Hollywood churns out comedic masterpiece after comedic masterpiece. Amazingly, what was thought to be an extensive pamphlet chock full of comedic wisdom was nothing than more than a simple “formula” scribbled on a sticky note. It read:

“Black person meets white person. Comedy ensues.”

There it is. THAT’S how Hollywood has been having us collectively rolling in the aisles over the past twenty years, trying to get out of the theatre. In fact, every single “comedy” released in the last five years, according to my research, has followed this formula to a tee. And if you don’t believe me, then you obviously haven’t seen “Taxi,” starring Jimmy Fallon (white) and Queen Latifa (black), which was TOTALLY different than “Bringing Down the House,” featuring Steve Martin (white) and Queen Latifa (still black). You see, one movie was about a taxi, and the other movie was about a house, and how that house got “brought down,” or as Steve Martin would say, “brung down.” Or is that what Queen Latifa would say? Either way, it’s still hilarious!

But the biggest beneficiary of the comedic formula has been Will Smith, who commands upwards of $45 billion just to stand NEXT to a bumbling white guy. And he charges even more to do so in a movie, which is why it was so good for the movie industry that “Hitch” made $13 trillion in its opening weekend. In case you don’t know, in “Hitch,” Will Smith (black) teaches Kevin James (white AND fat — double comedy points!) to dance so he (the fat white guy) can get girls. The end. Of course, this was somewhat of a stretch for Smith, who was used to playing “charismatic black guy” to Tommy Lee Jones’ “uptight, anal-retentive white guy who battles aliens with Will Smith character” in the “Men in Black” movies, which hopefully stop at II. And speaking of Tommy Lee Jones, he is currently starring in a movie in which he plays an anal-retentive white guy who has to work alongside a charismatic black man played by Cedric the Entertainer, with some cheerleaders thrown in for good measure. Plus, I think Cedric the Entertainer falls down at some point, which wasn’t even IN the formula (it’s called “improvising,” morons). I’m actually laughing out loud now just thinking about it! About seeing it, I mean.

And if you liked “Meet the Parents,” then you’ll love “Guess Who.” It’s just like “Meet the Parents,” except with a twist! Do you want to know what the twist is? Really? Okay, the twist is that the “parents” are black (gasp!) and the “meeter of them” is white (double gasp)! This movie hasn’t even come out yet, but the comedy is already ensuing in my head right now! And it hurts.

Anyway, it’s comforting to know that we have Hollywood here to reinforce perceived stereotypes, and then have national audiences laugh at those stereotypes, over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Luckily, the major theme of all of these “comedies,” is that black people and white people really aren’t that different after all, which is something we NEVER would have figured out on our own. So thanks, Hollywood. We owe you one. But you owe US for “The Pacifier,” which is really “Kindergarten Cop,” minus the funny parts, so I’ve heard. So let’s call it even.

And as far as the “comedic formula,” the secret IS out. So Sinbad, you can come downstairs now. And get dressed, cause you’re starring in a new movie with Patrick Swayze called, “Business as Usual…in da’ Hood.” And don’t forget your sex tape.

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