Friday morning quarterback

From now on, for all intents and purposes, Thursday nights will now be referred to as “the Mark Burnett marathon.” And no one is happier about this than me. Except for maybe my wife, who during a commercial break last night, broke into a two-minute dance sequence when she found out that Kohl’s is having a 50% off sale tomorrow. Three consecutive hours of great reality TV AND a sale? I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say it was the greatest night of her life. Coincidentally, it had nothing to do with me. On to the recap…

We were all informed that on THIS season’s “Survivor,” there would be “no help of any kind.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much gone by the wayside considering on last night’s episode they were building bathrooms, showers, and then having guys from Home Depot build whole shelters. Isn’t Home Depot’s motto, “If you can do it, we can HELP?” What is Jeff Probst supposed to say each week — “Listen guys, THIS time around you’re not getting any help. But here’s some fire, food, and water. And if that’s not enough, I’ll be dramatically arriving on my Home Depot boat sometime this afternoon to drop off some tools. I hope that helps. I mean — I hope that’s nice.” Anyway, what I think Mark Burnett MEANT to say was, “KIM will not be providing help of any kind.” Seriously, I’m glad she got booted. How can you go on “Survivor” and then not do any work? That’s the only thing you can do that’s actually under your control that can help you stay in the game. But she decided to lie out on the beach, and then occasionally drop some knowledge on the guys such as, “Why don’t you put that bamboo stick over there?” But the immunity challenge was phenomenal last night. The last matchup on the floating device in the water ended with both guys on the edge of the platform, trying to knock each other off. It reminded me of “Air Force One” — “Get off my PLATFORM!” And then there was James, who my wife said looks like he “got pulled out of the womb by his nose.” When he’s not roaming the island dressed like one the 12 disciples, he’s getting his ass kicked by a hairdresser. Of course, this all prompted him to say things like, “I can’t believe I lost to a homosexual. I didn’t know they were so strong.” Really, James? Me either. I can’t believe homosexuals have “muscles.” I’m with you — I thought they just had webbed feet and a lisp. But then James went on to acknowledge the fact that homosexuals are “always working out at the gym,” which apparently, makes me quite the homosexual. Anywho, thanks for clearing up the perceived stereotypes of the gay community, James. And Angie, PLEASE put some clothes on. Maybe you can borrow James’ shepherd jacket for a few days. But DON’T lend it to Coby. He has cooties.

“The Apprentice” gets better every week. And by “better,” I mean worse. Nevertheless, it’s always entertaining. I don’t know how John went from “solid leader,” to “chauvinistic dirt bag,” but it happened pretty fast. If you blinked, you missed it. Last night he was at his misogynistic best — an overall performance highlighted by his snap decision to break out his chain wallet for his meetings with various popular artists. He thought this would make him seem more “down to earth,” but it actually made him look like a douche bag who was caught in a time warp, circa 1997. Luckily, he had the great idea to invite “Simple Plan,” “Bare Naked Ladies,” and others to someone’s house for a “jam session.” And luckily, if any of their drummers were to get killed on the way there, the rest of the band could just call John, because he used to play the drums. Although, he may be a little rusty, but give him time. He’s really down to earth like that. And I’m not sure how Erin and Stephanie refrained from slapping John in the face at various points throughout the task. Erin does NOT like to be treated like that, although she doesn’t mind it that much when Gene Simmons is giving her a “wet willy” on national television, and then awkwardly caressing her hair. As a side note, my wife — who is an avid proponent of all things that empower the female community — said that she wouldn’t quite mind if Gene Simmons stuck his finger in her ear, because “well…it’s Gene Simmons.” I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about that. Anyway, I also learned that Tana speaks jive. Very, very poorly. And Chris seems like a great leader, when he’s not sporadically flipping out at someone. Caroline felt the wrath of Chris, until George put him in his place by saying, “Who do you think you’re talking to? You’re not speaking to Fat Joe anymore, bitch! You’re speaking to G-to-the-mutha-f’in-EORGE! You better recognize!” Or something like that. Then Trump fired John, which prompted Chris and John to embrace in the hallway. I think I heard an “I love you” in there somewhere, but I’m not sure. They must go to the gym, too.

I think I speak for all of America when I say that “The Contender” is the greatest show of all time. Last night was no different. So far, my favorite parts of the show are the random Sugar Ray Leonard voice-overs during the tasks. “Now the contestants are trying to put together a puzzle. It appears that the West is winning.” Thanks, Sugar Ray. Now you can go back to doing what you do best on this show, which is, apparently, nothing. My second most favoritist part of the show are Ahmed’s witty rebuttals to Ishe’s taunts, such as, “Oh, you’re from the U.S. Well, you suck!” and “I’m not stupid. You’re the stupid one!” It got so out of hand last night that Sly Stallone had to bring Ahmed into his office to calm him down. However, Ahmed didn’t seem to get the gist of the meeting, when he thanked Sly for intervening, because he would have hit Ishe right then and there. Now somebody get him his sunglasses — there’s massages to be had! Anyway, the highlight of the show involved the fight between John and Jesse. Of course, what would a boxing match be without the national public being emotionally attached to the fighters’ families? Nothing, that’s what! John seemed like a really good family man, and I was sad when he lost. And was I the only person surprised to see Jesse’s significant other? I thought the bottom of the screen was going to say “Jesse’s mom,” but instead “Jesse’s girlfriend,” came across. And are the kids both of theirs? I have no idea. Luckily, Jesse’s girlfriend brought the kids to the fight, dressed in what my wife described as “Communion outfits.” Also, I stopped rooting for John when his 12-months pregnant wife wouldn’t stop her inane screeching from ringside. I also always enjoy when Sly grabs on to Sugar Ray Leonard on the sidelines, and they waver backwards ever so slightly, as if Sly is saying, “Hold on to your seats Sugar! This fight is gonna be one heck of a ride!” And do we need Sylvester Stallone yelping out boxing clichés from the sidelines, like “Go toe to toe!” and “Fair fight!” and “Box!” I don’t think we do. The show ended with a goat, and it wasn’t even John, who lost the fight. It was Ishe, who completely wussed out by backing out of a fight with Ahmed. From now on, when somebody says they’re going to do something, and they don’t, I’m calling it “pulling an Ishe.” I think this will catch on. We could even use it on other reality shows, like, “Yeah — Kim said she was gonna help us build a hut, but she pulled an Ishe. What a bitch.”

That’s all for now. But don’t miss the next episode of “The Contender,” which is happening RIGHT now! And there’s gonna be a new episode every night for the next three years. So hold on to Sugar Ray Leonard, cause this is gonna be one heck of a ride!