The power couple whose lights went out

People seem to be genuinely upset over the breakup of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. This is the biggest national news story since that guy cloned a sheep, which was very important at the time because it virtually doubled our sheep population.

The general consensus, according to my polls, is that people think, "If Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston can't make it together, then nobody can." Relationships all over the country are running for cover, as if they were being attacked by an army of super-human sheep. For example, my parents have been married for over 25 years, but now my mom is worried that my dad will finally want to "settle down and have kids," while she herself still wants to "focus on her career." There has been much tension in the Kenny household lately because of this, and it seems like every day my mom is coming home later and later from the set of her movie, which is inside of a hospital, and will probably be going straight to DVD, because nobody likes to watch urine samples.

Because, of course, these are the apparent reasons behind the "Breakup Heard 'Round the World." Jennifer Aniston, best known for her role in "The Leprechaun," wants to focus on her career. And as everyone knows, it's hard to focus on your career when you're married to Brad Pitt, and making millions of dollars because of your career. On the other hand, Brad Pitt wants to have babies. Not him personally, I think. He wanted Jennifer Aniston to have babies, but she couldn't because she contacted asbestos poisoning on the set of "The Leprechaun."

Anyway, this is all anybody can talk about. Everybody has his or her theory as to why this breakup happened. These theories include, but are not limited to: Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, herpes, Emmanuel Lewis, Red Bull, "The Leprechaun II," G-Unit, and former ABC anchorman Tom Brokaw, who had no comment. In the end, nobody is really sure what to believe, but hopefully sometime soon, one of these tabloid magazines will wake up and do a feature on this, and stop churning out story after story on the national deficit.

Regardless of WHY it happened, it's almost impossible to believe that a relationship between a really, really good-looking Hollywood couple suddenly ended. I mean, if people who are infinitely richer and more famous than we'll ever be can't show us the way when it comes to maintaining a successful relationship, then who the hell can? Our parents? Yeah, right. The same "parents" who can't stop thinking of themselves long enough to have kids?

Ha! I don't think so. Let's face it - we're all screwed.


Anonymous said…
I don't appreciate you poking fun at the Pitt-Anistons, I am very upset over their recent split and continue to believe that somehow, someday, they will find each other again.