Rules for life

I found some very helpful rules for life on Facebook recently in the form of a meme video that has snowflakes falling for some reason and which features a sketch drawing of your everyday white man-- let's call him Steve-- who clearly endorses and lives by these rules. Let's check them out, shall we?

Solid advice. This first rule really sets the tone that these rules for life will be angry and bitter and not at all helpful in any discernible way. (Shout out to for all of the beauty you are about to read. You should totally check out the site which is, uh ... something.)

You better come out of the womb MEETING QUOTAS or no one will affirm your good temperament and smooth skin. BACK IN MY DAY I didn't feel good about myself until NEVER as evidenced by the fact that I am 64 and still feel the need to elevate myself above subsequent generations based on sweeping, false generalizations.

CAR PHONE lol. I have so many questions about this rule.
1. Not to sound like a millennial but what happened to college?
2. In this hypothetical scenario why does the career fantasy peak at vice president? Why aren't we going all the way here critiquing the MANY high school seniors who expect to be president of the company/United States right away?
3. Why is "vice-president" hyphenated? Condescending statements about KIDS THESE DAYS that contain weird grammatical errors are the fuel that sustains my drive to keep blogging.
4. I can barely even parse that second sentence. [guy in convertible screaming into phone] "Listen buddy I didn't become vice president with a car phone by NOT earning BOTH OF THOSE THINGS! ... What do you mean 'both of what things?' Both of the things I JUST MENTIONED!"

How is this a rule?

(For the record, "boss as ogre" is a tired trope and every boss I've ever had has been cool. I bet Steve is perpetually stuck in middle management because of his victim complex and he is PISSED.)

"Flipping burgers" is a tired trope and also: what?

I remember when my grandparents would invite us over for a BBQ and Nana would say, "Bring your bathing suits to run through the sprinkler and we'll have watermelon and Pop Pop will be at the grill doing what he does best-- OPPORTUNITY." j/k my grandparents didn't have a backyard because they never became vice presidents.

Also why is "Grandparents" capitalized? C'MON, STEVE.

Memes like this are literally our parents' fault.

Honestly dude, WHAT. "Delousing?" My parents became boring from cleaning my clothes?

MOM: (folds last pair of Spiderman underwear) Ya' know what I think I'll quit dancing.

"Saving the rainforest" is another tired trope but "from the parasites of your parent's generation" is either a really strained metaphor or Steve thinks parasites are killing the rainforests, and either option is a welcome little wrinkle. In any case, Steve is right-- you can't fight climate change when your pants are on the floor! And actually that would have been a better Rule No. 7.


What is up with the colon after "were?"
Why is "rain-forest" hyphenated? RULE OF LIFE NO. 1: STOP HYPHENATING.
Look at that smug smirk on Steve's face thinking he just mic dropped after using the term "delousing" ... mad respect.

Steve, chill.

If I had a nickel for every MILLENNIAL I see walking around confused like, Is this spring semester or fall semester? Where is my $60,000? AM I ME? I would be able to afford a car phone by now.

(I can't shake the notion-- maybe because he ALL CAPSd it-- that "finding yourself" is Steve's code phrase for masturbation.)

First of all, television IS real life. Everybody knows that. That's why it's called "real life" and not "television."

Also, I'm pretty sure the specific television show Steve is referencing here is "Friends," which ended 15 YEARS AGO. In it, Ross was a paleontologist; Joey an actor; Phoebe a musician and masseuse; Rachel a waitress; Chandler a businessman; and a Monica a chef. Boom, roasted.

We should be nice to nerds-- while still belittling them as nerds, because Steve is a JOCK, clearly-- not because it is the right thing to do but because it could save us some embarrassment and/or benefit us in the long run. After all, we (jocks, cool guys) are much dumber than nerds and will not surpass them on the corporate ladder. (I'm just now realizing why the career fantasy topped out at vice president.)

To recap:
1. Life is unfair.
2. No one cares about you as a person.
3. "I picked up the car phone to perpetrate like I was talkin'." - a vice president, not you
4. Bosses are dicks.
5. Grandparents are weird.
6. Stop whining.
7. Clean your room.
8. In real life, you're a loser.
9. Stop masturbating at work.
10. You can't live at a coffee shop.
11. Be nice to others because it'll help you one day because you are dumb.

All in all, good stuff.