Classic card of the week
Dave Winfield, 1984 Topps Championship Baseball
Hello! Is everybody here interested in playing some Championship Baseball by Milton Bradley—not the wacky modern baseball player named Milton Bradley, but the game company; I realize this is confusing—? Yeah? ALRIGHT! How about you, AL Super Star Dave Winfield?
Ha, ha! Don’t be such a grouch, Dave! Look on the bright side—you have a shiny new ear flap-less protective helmet, and you play for … what team do you play for?
The Yankees! Cool. And hey, I’m sure more people will show up to your baseball game eventually. So, do you want to play or what?
Fine, whatever. Everybody else, let’s play some Championship Baseball!
Okay, it looks we’re going to need some dice. Or is it “die?" I forget which one is plural, but die is stupid, so let’s stick with dice. Who has dice? Anyone? Nobody? Okay, I will go to the store.
(Two hours later; most people have left party …) Sorry that took me so long! Shop Rite didn’t have dice, so I had to go to Spencer’s in the mall and buy a completely different game just to use the dice. The game is called "Boobies" and it's all about boobs. We can play that one next time. Okay, who wants to go first? Anybody? Nobody? Okay, I’ll roll …
Alright, a one and a five! That means I just got a … “GB TH INF SINGLE!” Ha, TAKE THAT, JIM!
Jim: What does that mean?
I don’t know. Maybe like, a ground ball through the infield for a single?
Rhonda: What does the nature of the single matter if this is a pretend game?
I don’t know, Rhonda, but the point is, I’m on first. DEAL WITH IT! Who’s up?
Steve: I don’t know. Should we have separated into teams or something? How does this work?
Steve: rolls … Okay, uh … two fives.
Alright, that’s a … “OUT; GB 3RD RA1!” Ha, ha, nice OUT, Steve! You suck!
Steve: I’m on your team, jerk. I think. And what the heck does “RA1” mean?
Rhonda: Should somebody be writing this all down?
Jim: Probably. Does anybody have any paper?
Don’t worry about paper, you freakin’ nerds. It’s all in my head. RHONDA, ROLL!
Rhonda: rolls … A two and a five. Okay, gimmie the card … I can barely read this thing … that’s a “FLY CF; SINGLE.”
Maria: I’m not the biggest baseball fan, but how does one earn a single on a fly ball to centerfield?
Rhonda: I think maybe it’s two different things? Like, I flied out and also got a single? I don’t know.
GIVE ME THE CARD! Looks .. Alright, you’re out. Inning over. I’m winning 8-0.
Steve: What? How is that even possible?
Dave, please explain the game to these idiots.
I hate all of you.
Jim: Is there any more salsa?
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Did you know?
Athletically, Dave Winfield was the Blake Griffin on his era, which means, in 25 years or so, the best professional athletes will definitely be able to fly.