Hey, so first of all, I eat Reese’s Puffs cereal for breakfast. I am a full-grown adult male. I prefer Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch, but sometimes that cereal is like $4.95, and I have principles. Both cereals, however, are part of a complete breakfast, in that you must eat a bowl of kale and three gallons of organic prune juice just to break even on the nutrient scale.
The other morning I was standing by myself in the kitchen eating a delicious bowl of Reese’s Puffs when the back of the box caught my eye. MIXMASTER, huh? I own turntables AND I love Reese’s Puffs (although I admittedly do not own any Reese’s Puffs records like the one featured here, which makes me wonder why I even have turntables in the first place), so this seemed like something I should look further into.
First, I need a name.
DJ NAME MIXER
TWO WAYS TO CREATE YOUR OWN DJ NAME
Three ways if you include, “Use your imagination to think of a name on your own.”
1. Take the street you grew up on and the name of your first pet,
It was always my understanding that this was one of several formulas to decide your porn name. Maybe I was mistaken. Nevertheless, as the saying goes, whether you’re in porn or a breakfast cereal DJ, the point is: you need a good name. My name is “DJ Northfield Oreo,” which is the worst name that has ever existed.
then change the “I’s” to Y’s.”
My name is DJ Northfyeld Oreo. I am uncertain as to the point of this. If it’s to add more street cred to a breakfast cereal DJ name, then may I remind you, box, that we are talking about a breakfast cereal DJ name. By the way, I have never understood how misspelling things apparently makes them hipper. I’m not sure how I escaped my hip-hop-filled childhood safe from the assumption that “z” is the plural for everything.
2. Take the name of your favorite movie or Superhero villain, then add the first letter of your middle name.
My alternate name is DJ Tthe Godfather Part II. I don’t know which one I dislike better. I guess I’ll go with DJ Northfyeld Oreo for now, but we’ll see where that takes me. If it takes me anywhere other than the pinnacle of breakfast cereal DJing fame, then I will change it and distance myself from the original name like how Katy Perry used to be a Christian singer.
Now that you have your DJ name, you’re ready to create your own Reese’s Puffs rap!
I thought DJs DJed. Nevertheless, I accept the challenge!
As you can see, if you are even still reading this, the back of the box provides alternate phrases that can simply be plugged into your Reese’s Puffs rap. This is sort of like signing to a major label and relinquishing almost all creative control. But really, who has time to think of his own Reese’s Puffs rap from scratch? I mean, I’m standing up while eating cereal, so I obviously don’t.
That said, I, DJ Northfyeld Oreo, will now choose wisely from the provided phrases and set forth my very own Reese’s Puffs rap (the pure irony of Oreo paying homage to Reese’s is not lost on me, by the way). For hilarity’s sake, I will insert sporadic BEEPs into the provided slots to imply terrible curse words in this ode to peanut butter and chocolate cereal:
That peanut butter chocolate I will address (get ready)
Is the hookup that I BEEP that I will obsess (makes no sense)
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs, in your bowl, in your bowl! (My goodness, is that the chorus?)
Recognize the taste that I craver (not a verb)
Reese’s Puffs Reese’s Puffs (I forget: what cereal is this song about?)
Wow peanut butter chocolate raver (the last person you want to run into at the club is a peanut butter chocolate raver, trust me)
So crucial to my totally radical vernacular (it physically pained me to write that ... but it was worth it)
That peanut butter BEEP is oh so spectacular (nasty)
Reese’s Puffs Reese’s Puffs! (the Reese's Puffs chant is the "Let me clear my throat" of repetitive, breakfast-based chorus)
My Reese’s Puffs are a miracle (this miracle was packaged in Ohio)
Each peanut butter orb is a miracle (at the risk of redundancy, allow me to reiterate how miraculous theses peanut butter orbs are; loaves and fishes < peanut butter orbs)
Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Puffs, in your bowl, in your bowl! (crowd right now is going crazier than at the end of “8 Mile.”
So yeah, pretty much just killed it. I think I speak for the hip-hop community at large when I say, indeed, hip-hop just died. In my cereal. For realz.
*By the way, per below, "Reese's" was an existing tag, which surprised me at first, but then didn't.