Thursday, January 28, 2010

Classic card of the week


Malone-Eaton-Stockton, 1989 Fleer All-Star Game series

Here is a photograph of three All-Star basketball players who are all on the same team, their varying sizes and ethnicities spanning all corners of the globe and giving testament to the strong diversity of the state of Utah. We will learn more about them later. What is behind the curtain however, we may never know. Let us begin:



The Utah Jazz keeps on delivering

There seems to be a grammatical tug-of-war when it comes to sports teams that boast a nickname that is not otherwise of the plural variety. In one camp are those who insist on recognizing this name in its original form and not in the context of a collective basketball team, which is what we see here. In the other camp –- the one in which I have pitched my tent, so to speak -– are the normal people who realize that this name is, in fact, plural, and treat all accompanying words thusly. We would not, for example, say: The New York Knicks keeps on delivering. A) Because they don’t. B) Because that sounds stupid. This is a classic case of abiding by the letter of the grammatical law and not the spirit. Nevertheless, the point here is this: The Jazz deliver. Or something.

The reason can be seen in this trio of premier defensive players: KARL MALONE, MARK EATON and JOHN STOCKTON.

Perhaps you have difficulty reading the players names within the same font and size of the accompanying text. For your convenience, this particular card utilizes the CAPS LOCK key so that you may not, for one second, think you are reading about KARL MALONE when you are in fact reading about JOHN STOCKTON. Do continue:

When teams played against The Jazz, they knew their attack must be adjusted to account for MARK EATON.

Firstly, I love sports-as-war metaphors, especially when they involve MARK EATON. Also, when teams played against the Jazz, I doubt that MARK EATON was what caused them to hypothetically return to their hypothetical drawing board. Finally, if opposing teams did, in fact, adjust their attack on account of MARK EATON, I would venture to say that their new offensive strategy looked like this:

-Shoot over MARK EATON
-Dunk on MARK EATON

On the fast break when the quarterback handling the ball needs to find the open man, JOHN STOCKTON delivers.

I also enjoy sports-as-other-different-sports metaphors. But let us note that JOHN STOCKTON does, in fact, deliver. But what about KARL MALONE?

KARL MALONE is known as the “Mailman.” Why?

Because he is a mailman?

Because he delivers!

Oh! Cool!

Power forward, as played by KARL MALONE: A small tank driving to the hoop.

That sentence sounds like KARL MALONE is in a movie playing the role of a power forward, but the power forward is actually a tank. The movie is called “Power Tank” and it is directed by Michael Bay and co-stars Blake Lively as a shooting guard who is actually a sexy helicopter.

Watch out for the Mailman or get “stamped!”

Thanks for the “stamped” in quotes! For a second there I had thought that KARL MALONE was literally going to place a stamp on me for getting in his way. Because, ya’ know, “stamped” has absolutely no connotations to getting defeated on a basketball court.

I’d like to, if I may, end this Classic Card post with a short quiz to see if you were paying attention. The answers are in the “Did you know?” section.

1) Things that KARL MALONE is:

a) a Mailman
b) a small tank
c) MARK EATON
d) a and b
e) none of the above

2) Which of the following does not deliver:

a) KARL MALONE
b) The Jazz, in general
c) MARK EATON
d) JOHN STOCKTON
e) a Mailman

3) Complete the following sentence: The Orlando Magic

a) is in the hiz-ouse!
b) don’t be knowin’ how to run Princeton.
c) are steadily increasing their lead in the Southeast division.
d) has a profound impact on the economic stability of Florida.
e) deliver.

Did you know?
The correct answers are:
1) d
2) c
3) c
If you missed any, please adjust your attack.

1 comment:

Bill said...

Hilarious! This post is one of the greatest attacks MIKE has ever adjusted.