Friday, November 04, 2005

Meet the Survivors!

It’s “Survivor: Guatemala,” a.k.a. the most boring season ever! The tribes have merged, and it’s time to meet who is left from the this extremely unlikable cast. So without further ado…

Cindy
Hello, I am Cindy. Smiling hurts my face. I am disappointed in everyone, and also everything. The good news is that, either I am losing weight, or my boobs are getting much bigger. Either way, I hope Probst is noticing. He looks so hot in his safari hat.

Jamie
What’s up. I’m Jamie. Were you on my original tribe? Cause if not, I don’t want to talk to you. I treat my original tribe like a family, and everyone else is an outsider. And outsiders must die. Around the camp, I like to spruce things up by sitting on a rock with a sourpuss look on my face. One time I farted, and it was hilarious, but the cameras missed it. I hate Bobby Jon. One time we almost came to blows during a challenge because I rolled a giant rock to a designated spot faster than he could. He’s pretty much my mortal enemy. Back home I am a water ski instructor, but after this, I am only teaching people how to water ski who were on my original tribe. F*#% that.

Stephenie
What’s up guys? I’m Stephenie. You may remember me from last season’s “Survivor” as the “is she good-looking or not” girl who couldn’t catch a break. I hate losing. It’s even harder to lose when you are obviously the greatest “Survivor” player of all-time. Believe me – if my tribe was compromised of the 1995 Red River High girl’s lacrosse team, we would NEVER lose. Go Cougars! Anyway, hopefully they will bring me back for next season’s “Survivor” as well, at which point I am hoping that my eyebrows will have finally connected with my scalp.

Judd
Yo, what’s up, man. I’m Judd. I’m so sick and freakin’ tired of these people, man. No one has any freakin’ clue what they’re doin’ here, man. Listen, man – if you don’t like Judd, then you can get off the freakin’ island, man. I don’t care. I speak my mind, man. If I don’t like somethin’ man, I’m gonna tell you right to your freakin’ face, man. Seriously, man. Oh – you wanna vote ME off? How the heck are you gonna do the challenges without me, man? Huh? You gonna have freakin’ Lydia carry a boulder up the Mayan pyramids? Please. I played SPORTS, man! Did YOU play sports? I don’t think so, man. Hey – is that your rice, man? I’m gonna eat it.

Rafe
Hi guys. I’m Rafe. Honestly, can you BELIEVE I’m still here? Me neither. I just wish that everyone could get along here. I hate negativity. I’m having a good time though. One time I helped out the tribe by creating UNO cards out of huge leaves, but I kind of cancelled that out when I fell into a hornet’s nest and released a swarm of killer hornets on everyone. I excel in the challenges, but only when they involve prancing through a field of daisies. They told me I wasn’t allowed to bring anything onto the island, which is why I left my testicles at home. In case you were wondering.

Danny
Hello. I’m Danny. I host a sports-talk radio show back home, and I’m the only person here who knows that Gary used to be an NFL quarterback. He thinks I don’t know, but I know. I’m not going to say anything though, because that would involve talking. I beefed up for “Survivor” by eating three leaves of lettuce before I got here, so I probably won’t be hungry again until like, March. A strong wind will most likely blow me off the island, and all the way back to Kansas City. Other than that though, I think I have a good chance to stay here for a while.

Gary
Hey. I thought this “Survivor” thing would be much harder. Do you want to just mail me the money, or should I pick it up at a later date?

Bobby Jon
Hey y’all. I’m Bobby Jon. I’m from the South, and I work really hard around camp. I’m not a violent person, but sometimes I just want to hurt Jamie. I told him though, I said, “Jamie, I’m gonna knock your block off if you come any closer to me!” He knows. He doesn’t want any of Bobby Jon. I’ll kill him with my bare hands, and eat his lower intestines for lunch. Also, I love Jesus.

Lydia
Hello. I’m Lydia. The tribe needs me cause I’m a fish mongerer, and a few weeks ago, I caught a fish. Since then, I’ve pretty much just been hangin’ out. You may remember me as a good example of how NOT to play Mayan rugby. They were gonna have to pry that ball from my cold, dead hands until Probst made me give it back. Jerk. I think my small size is an advantage, cause I can easily sneak up on unsuspecting victims. Like when everyone else in the tribe is talking about who they’re going to vote off, I’ll just cover myself in twigs and leaves and pretend that I’m a bush so I can hear what’s going on. Occasionally, I like to remind the producers that I’m still around by randomly breaking out into a jig. When we get food rewards, sometimes I hide the leftovers in my mini-afro and eat them later. I had chicken wings for breakfast this morning. Take that, Judd!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

After all that, how could you say it's the most boring season ever? That was hysterical!

Jason1969 said...

Yo MK-
Your right that this series of Survivor is the lamest yet. Won't stop us from watching though! I'm hoping for a drunken hook-up jail house style between Judd and Rafe. " Come on, man, just put it in your mouf... I'll pretend your a chick. If you tell Propst, i'll wack you with the Immunity Idol you little bitch"

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Anonymous said...

Back in the day, "Fishmonger" meant "Pimp." I'm just sayin'.