Allow me to make a few observations from last night’s “Apprentice.”
- At the beginning of the episode, Trump’s secretary calls the house to inform the contestants where to meet up that day, but she prefaces this information by saying, “Mr. Trump is very busy, but he’s still going to meet you this morning.” Apparently, Mr. Trump is extremely busy with matters that do not involve the successful television series starring him. Ya’ know, the one that he helped create, and the one that made him famous again. He doesn’t have time for “The Apprentice,” not when there are deals to be made. I mean, why did the secretary even say this? Are the contestants supposed to feel guilty about the fact that Donald Trump is going to appear in front of them, even though they stopped the regular routine of their everyday lives to be on Donald Trump’s show? No kidding Donald Trump is busy, you idiot. He still has a show to do.
- I thoroughly enjoyed it when Trump is leaving his office, and he turns to his secretary and says, “I’m going to Sony. I’ll be back later. Hold my calls.” Who writes this stuff? Something tells me that in real life, when “The Apprentice” isn’t being filmed, Donald Trump’s secretary has no clue where he is 99% of the time, nor does she care, because she’s busy playing Tetris. I also like how it’s never something small with Trump, like, “I’m going to the deli, be back in a minute.” No, it’s the casual, “I’m going to Sony to negotiate a mega-deal with writer/director/producer Jon Favreau. If the guys from the shop call to say they’ve fixed the helicopter, call me on my Verizon cell phone. Other than that, hold my calls.”
- Everything the girl’s team does is hilariously inefficient. I never thought anything would top the Hamburger Helper-type giant hand that they inexplicably created for Dairy Queen last week, but the float they made last night for Favreau’s new movie was amazing. It was just a smorgasbord of crap, glued together on top of a giant float. And by the way, as bad as the floats were, there is no way in hell that the contestants created those things themselves. For one thing, the “highlights” of both teams during the creation of these masterpieces involved a) the guys sweeping, b) the guys yelling at Marcus, and c) the girls yelling at each other. I didn’t see anyone putting together a float. And furthermore, who on either team has the carpentry skills to create a nice-sized, single-family house, scaled down to represent the specific house in the movie? Marcus? Jen? I don’t think so.
- Glad to see Christy go. Her face looks like a box. Except a box that produces the most annoying sound in the world.
- I have a hunch that when Season One “Apprentice” winner Bill Rancic gets called back to make another appearance on the show, he gets really pissed. He’s probably like, “Geez! What the hell? Can I do my freakin’ JOB here? What is George doing this week anyway that he can’t go, that old bastard?” I also think that the only interactions Bill has actually had with Trump since he won the job are his appearances on the show afterwards, and those “interactions” include statements like, “I agree,” and the occasional awkward laughter. All in all, I’ll bet he wishes Kwame had won.
- And finally. The first time I saw R Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet,” I was speechless. Literally. I couldn’t speak. My mouth was left wide open. There were no words to describe what had just happened. I had never before witnessed something so magnificently terrible in my entire life. I never thought I’d feel that way again. Then I saw the guy’s team create a song with Wyclef Jean. Now, for starters, my friend Lisa makes an excellent point regarding the utter randomness of this reward. Where did this even come from? Whose idea was it to have the winning team create a song with Wyclef? Remember the old rewards, when everyone would simply go out to a nice dinner, or maybe go golfing on one of Trump’s “beautiful, beautiful golf courses?” What happened to that? The rewards get more ridiculous every week, and this was the culmination of that trend. There was absolutely no rhyme (pun intended) or reason to this whatsoever. I mean, there is no way that ONE of those guys even knew who Wyclef was, and those of us that are familiar with him are aware that he hasn’t put out a decent album since 1996. It was almost like they wrote down the names of a bunch of African American musical artists who were popular in the ‘90’s, put them in a hat, and Wyclef came out. Who lost out, Digable Planets? My guess is that the producers wanted to add a little “flava’” to the show, and Wyclef was the only one willing to sell out so drastically. As for the song itself, wow. Wow, wow, wow. That recording actually set society back at least 20 years. It’s not humanly possible to find several whiter white guys willing to record a “hip-hip/R&B” song. One of them was even doing the running man while they were recording. I think it was the extremely short one, but I’m not sure. They should have just gone all out and had them wear big chains and army fatigues. But my favorite dialogue was this:
White “Apprentice” guy #1: (Trying to rhyme) In the club, I like to…watch the girls twirl?
Wyclef: (Silent, with a confused look on his face.)
White “Apprentice” guy #2: Wait, wait. WHEN I’m in the club, I like to watch the girls twirl.
Wyclef: Yeah, yeah. I like that!
Holy crap. An added bonus was Marcus’ part of the song, which consisted of him yelling “YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS,” so as to imply that, if I were to hear this song on the radio, I would say to myself, “Yeah, I know who this is. This must be the male contestants of ‘The Apprentice’ recording their new song with Wyclef.” Also, let it be known that, when these guys ARE in the club, they also like to “freak it.” Apparently, for six extremely white guys with Yale/Harvard/Duke degrees, who vary in height from 4’6” to 6’, they are in the club a lot. Freakin’ it, and also watching girls twirl, whatever that means. Anyway, if you haven’t heard this song yet, find it. It’s quite possibly the worst thing ever created. Or you can have my wife sing it for you on voicemail, like she did for me this morning. Thanks, babe.
As for next week, Carolyn is apparently taking over because Trump won’t be there. He is very busy. Please hold his calls.