Liquid Fantasy

This was written in June 2003, while I was hard at work at my previous job...

About two weeks ago, during the half an hour of May that it wasn't raining, I went outside and managed to get poison ivy. Unbeknownst to me, the worst thing you can do after contracting poison ivy is take a hot shower, which of course, is exactly what I did. Now I obviously didn't know I had poison ivy when I took the shower, so that advice is pretty much worthless. But whatever. I made it worse than it was and the ten days or so that I had it really, really sucked.

But all was not lost, because the poison ivy was a direct contributor to the greatest idea I've ever had, and ever will have.

One of the worst parts of having poison ivy, besides being repulsed by your very own self every second of the day and suffering insatiable itch attacks, is taking showers. It's difficult to wash yourself because you don't want to rub any part of your body with the disgusting yellow bubbles and spread the infectious devil warts elsewhere, especially to private places. So while in the shower one day, though a different shower than the one that got me in the predicament in the first place, a light bulb went on in my head, and I thankfully did not get electrocuted.

Here's my masterpiece: an additional faucet for the shower that, just like hot and cold water, releases liquid soap into the water stream! This way, you never have to waste precious time and energy, or risk spreading deadly plant oils, by rubbing your body in the shower. If it's time to shampoo your hair, or rinse yourself clean, just turn the knob off!

I surveyed several people about my idea, and most seemed genuinely impressed, or shocked at my creative genius. The most popular question involved how to actually to do this, and because I'm not a plumber, I'm not exactly sure how. But that's not my job. I just come up with the ideas and a designated idea initiator takes it from there. Besides, if they can make a solar-powered car, they can add another faucet to the shower.

Now I could take the environmental route, and stress how my idea inherently conserves water since each shower-taker should spend less time washing himself/herself, and thus spend less time in the shower. But in reality, besides preventing the spread of poison ivy, my idea plays upon the general laziness of people. If my idea does succeed, it will be because people realize they don't have to pick up the soap anymore. And furthermore, jailhouses across America will be safer for new inmates, as the chances of dropping said soap would be reduced drastically.

I was persuaded by a certain significant other, who is convinced we can live like kings on the legs of my idea, to officially submit it to a patent organization. So I called 877-963-IDEA, the Invention Submission Corporation, and gave them my info. I have actually seen their commercials before, which air during daytime TV., apparently targeting the creative audience that can’t figure out how to get a job. Their symbol is a cartoon caveman hammering a nail into a wheel, and their motto is “America’s Leading Inventor Service Company Since 1984�. Their major contributions to society thus far have been snap bracelets and SARS.

The ISC representative said that an official “patent specialist� will be contacting me within the week She did not ask what my idea was, which is good because she probably would have stolen it.

So now I have to wait and hear from a “patent specialist�, who will almost assuredly inform me upon hearing my idea, that the same idea was submitted ten years ago, and that several Beverly Hills homes have already installed additional faucets, which release liquid soap into the water stream. Then I’ll tell him to “kiss my ass� and hope he gets poison ivy.

But if the slim chance of my idea being not only original, but also doable, becomes a reality, I’ll be one happy guy. And one wealthy guy too. My friends will call me “General Patent� and I’ll spend all day taking soapy showers and watching commercials for the Invention Submission Corporation.