Spam email of the week

Subject:

This could be anything. Turns out it’s everything.

Respected chief editor!

Well howdy to you, too, “Savitsky Nikita!”

And all the staff members! I found a list of all the governors of all the states of USA and tried to send letter to them (but their emails doesn’t work!?). In this letter I inform next: «teachers and coaches tortured your children and all children of the USA with twenty harmful exercises!?...

“Governor Jan Brewer’s office. How may I help you?”

“Respected gubernatorial assistant!”

“...”

“My name is Savitsky and I found a list of emails but it won’t go through?! Don’t realize if it’s error on paper or my keyboard contraption device. Anyways, I wish to be granted your USA governor’s correct emails.”

“Okaaaay. May I ask what this is in regard to?”

“Certainly! I wish to send letters to inform about teachers and coaches torturing USA children with twenty harmful exercises!”

“Oh. Alright, uh, are you ready for the correct email address?”

“Yes! Have pen now!”

“Okay it’s: jan.bruer@unitedstatesbuilding.gov/yahoo/AZ.”

“Thank yous!”

Unscientific, inhumane ways and methods!?... And nobody observes it (at least looking at the fat kids)!?

(can’t sleep, turn on TV at 3 a.m., infomercial begins)

HELLO AMERICA! (studio audience claps) My name is Savitsky Nikita and I am here to stop the torture of children! Any of you lazy Americans ever look around to observe all the fat kids? (pulls fat kid into frame by his ear) (fat kid says, “Uh …”) LOOK AT THE FAT ROLLS. (tosses kid backstage) I can fix this with 555 magic steps.

I don't want listen excuses and justification…lies of the governors (about their employment and illiteracy).

USA Today headline: American governors: US kids fat, yeah, but have jobs, can’t read about how fat they are

I'm not interested in this. I want to offer my saving useful sports methods to one governor and create my own "World Center" in your country!

Welcome to Savitsky’s World Center for Fat American Kids, in beautiful downtown Boise, thanks to the efforts of Governor Butch Otter. Please go inside and utilize useful sports methods until you are skinny enough to be seen in public.

Please convey to all (!) Governors (anyone of them will dare!?...)!

If there’s anything a U.S. governor will respond to, it’s an email dare from a nonsensical non-person.

And please remind them - approaching summer holidays!? … The first time summer holidays can be filled with useful thing - performing perfect methods!... Delight, extraordinary and different enjoyment!

“I wasn’t going to approve Savitsky’s World Center for Fat American Kids, but then someone—I think it was Savitsky—reminded me: yo, Butch, summer holidays are coming? Can’t be having a bunch of fat kids running around with their shirts off. Let them enjoy performing perfect methods where no one can see them.” – U.S. Gov. Butch Otter

If this idea does not become a success, then I have to you a specific proposition. How much will cost this advertisement:

“If this idea is a complete failure, I want to advertise it.” Makes sense.

«Dear citizens of our state! I'm selling perfect sports methods (which consist of 555 copyright, magic exercises!) for just a one (five?) dollar.

Person: Hi, I’d like to sign my kid up for 555 magic sports methods.

Savitsky: Sure! That will be one dollar.

Person: Great. (hands Savitsky a dollar)

Savitsky: Five dollars?

Person: What?

Savitsky: Maybe you want to give five dollars instead?

Person: I like one dollar better.

Savitsky: Okay fine, ha, ha, I AM SAVITSKY, COME WITH ME, FAT BOY.

It guarantees any weight loss to any person! It also guarantees: happy life up to 150 years, life in motion!

“Listen, I’m not promising you the world. All I’m saying is that you will lose all the weight and I guarantee complete happiness and that you will live like 40 years longer than is humanly possible. For one (five?) dollar.” – Savitsky

It (even condensed 5 times!) guarantees your child a world title in any kind of sport!?

What if the title match is between two kids who used Savitsky’s metho—

How much will cost this advertisement in your newspaper?

Uh, one million (four million?) dollars.

Confirmation: it is originality, beauty, easiness, a huge amount of exercises and a desire to perform them!... Don’t stopping!.. Always!.. Everywhere! Evidence: it is set of 50 "sports laws" (new, scientific, substantiate and confirmed)! 40 normal children's motivations!? Only children can choose exercises and not sports ministers or primitive scientists!

Hey buddy—in ‘MERICA our sports ministers choose the exercises, okay? Ain’t that right, primitive scientist?

Primitive scientist: The sun revolves around the earth, and make sure to use your back when lifting heavy things.

THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT.

How to improve this announcement or maybe make it shorter?

This announcement could best be improved by me printing it out, crumpling it up, setting fire to it, and scattering the ashes in four different parts of the world. Which, coincidentally, would also make it shorter.