I really don’t think I’m strong enough … to win this argument

And there I was, as the prophecy foretold, trying to convince my 5-year-old daughter that Cher is a woman.

Friday mornings are flagged as “playlist Fridays” for when I drive the girls to school. What this means is that I create a Spotify playlist of their favorite songs, and we pretty much jam out at volumes that my wife would no doubt deem inappropriate. It’s a little something special we have together, and it also gives me some important leverage throughout the week. For the last time, get out of the dog bed or playlist Friday is CANCELED!

It’s often the case that throughout the week the girls will make requests for the playlist. Our youngest will request literally every song she hears, regardless of whether or not she likes it, if it’s on the playlist already, or if it’s even a song. She has requested commercial jingles for car insurance to be added, and anything with even a faint melody will result in a Pavlov’s dogs-type reaction of, “DADDY, CAN YOU PUT THIS ON THE PLAYLIST?” I just say yes.

Our oldest has a bit more refined taste. So I listened intently as she asked if I could add to the playlist a song she’d been hearing at school, and she was going to try and sing it for me. “Do you belieeeeeeve in life and some (trails off) … I really don’t think it’s dah dah dah OH!”

I was like, hold up—is she singing Cher? How is that … what? They’re listening to Cher at school now? This is what we’re paying for? Anyway, I sang it back to her to confirm, and she nearly lost her ever-loving mind with excitement that I knew the song and would add it to the playlist.

A couple days later, Friday morning, I was building up the anticipation for the song as it was about to premier on the playlist, but when it did—specifically when the vocals kicked in—I was the only one fist-bumpin’. Our oldest was very disappointed, sad even, as she maintained that this was NOT the same song and she didn’t want “a boy song.”

Now, throughout the day, our girls’ school plays, on the intercom speakers, Kidz Bop versions of popular songs. If you don’t know what Kidz Bop is, consider yourself lucky. In fact, there’ve been occasions when I’m signing the girls in for school in the morning, and the five seconds of hearing a Kidz Bop version of “Call Me Maybe” makes me think I’m going to have a seizure, and I’ll ask the girl at the desk how she deals with this all day long, and she’ll turn to me wide-eyed and say, “I DON’T KNOW.”

Obviously, our daughter had heard the Kidz Bop version of “Believe”—from the album “Kidz Bop Sings Late 90s Comeback Pop 70s Diva Hits,” apparently—and had been unable to process the voice discrepancy between tween girls and Cher. This, of course, resulted in me seriously trying to convince her that Cher was a woman, to the point I was becoming legitimately flustered that she didn’t believe me.

Making matters infinitely more complicated was the recent resurfacing of a picture—thanks to my lovely wife—of a Halloween of yore that featured me dressed as Cher and my wife dressed as Sonny. Our girls have seen the picture, and amazingly it has done very little to convince our oldest daughter that Cher is, in fact, a woman. LINES HAVE BEEN BLURRED and I’ve decided to put off this gender discussion (which I guess should include the topic of Cher’s former daughter as well) to a much, much later date.

For the time being, the weekly playing of “Believe” is consistently accompanied by the question, “This is a boy song, right?” I just say yes. 

Note: This column appears in the 1/29 issue of The Glendale Star and the 1/30 issue of the Peoria Times.

OH, AND UH 

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