Spam email of the week

Subject: MRS VERONICA BRIGHT

This sounds like a cool new show on Disney Channel.

> Saudaзхes amigo,
>
> Vocк pode se perguntar por que eu estou chegando a vocк, apesar de amigos que conheзo hб anos, a razгo singular й que eu tenho pela prуpria natureza desta proposiзгo e da confidencialidade exigida decidiu lidar com uma pessoa que eu nгo conhecia antes, para que possamos desenvolver a confianзa e executar esta operaзгo sem um terceiro
> knowing.I pessoa nгo teria usado esse meio (Internet), mas eu escolhi para chegar atй vocк
> atravйs dele, porque й a forma mais rбpida, mais segura e mais segura de comunicaзгo.

I went ahead and bolded the words I understand, thinking maybe they are clues. So, knowing that I don’t speak whatever language this is, I decided to scroll down on my Internet, and I discovered MRS VERONICA BRIGHT had translated this entire email to English. They don’t call me Sherlock Homeboy for nothin’.

Ø      Greetings Friend,
>
> You may wonder why I am reaching out to you in spite of friends that I have known for years,

Yes, that is the first thing I wondered.

the singular reason is that I have by the very nature of this proposition and the required confidentiality decided to deal with a person that I have not known before so that we can develop the trust and execute this transaction without a third
> person knowing.I would not have used this medium (Internet) but I chose to reach you
> through it because it is the fastest, surest and most secured medium of communication.

“I would not have used the Internet, but I used the Internet.”

> However, this correspondence is un-official and private, and it should be treated as such.

I am treating it as very unofficial and public. Hope that works.

I also guarantee you that this transaction is hitch free from all what you may
> think of.

Aside from being a beautiful sentence, that is a Joe Namath-esque guarantee that correctly assumes it can read my thoughts. What I am thinking now is that it’s cool how “hitch” = identity theft + money theft. Bernie Madoff was an honest businessman except for that hitch tho.

> I am Mrs. Veronica Bright of The Bank of East Asia USA, San Gabriel Branch,California (USA)

The Bank of East Asia is in California. I bet when East Asians call their bank’s customer service department, they’re always complaining that the reps speak Californian instead of fluent East Asian.

I am contacting you based on Trust and confidentiality that will be
> attached to this transaction. The Management and the Legal department of our bank in a recent meeting recommended that the account of MR. DAVID ANGELLl, who was one of my branch depositors, should be declared Dormant, confiscated and the depositor's fund sent to the Bank Treasury according to American Banking and financial law.

Sure, but where (yawns) do I come in?

> Mr. David Angell and the wife died

*the wife*

in world trade center as a victim of the September 11,2001 incident that befell the United States of America.

Considering it’s 2015, this is actually one hitch I didn’t see coming.

he owns a dollar account with the sum of 58.2M (Fifty Eight Million, two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) deposited in a Secret account with my branch .In fact, since his death, no next of kin of the account holder nor any relative of him has shown up for the claim,this is because he has the account as a secret account thus he left all the
> documents for the deposit with me.

Mr. David Angell: Hello. My name is David Angell, and although I work in New York City, I would like to set up an account with the Bank of East Asia, which is in California.

Mrs. Veronica Bright: Sure, Mr. Angell. Would you like that account to be checking, savings, or secret?

Mr. David Angell: Secret, please. I don’t want any of the family I don’t have knowing about this, especially “the wife.” Only you, Mrs. Veronica Mars, will know.

Mrs. Veronica Bright: It’s Bright.

Mr. David Angell: Yes, that is why I am wearing sunglasses.

Mrs. Veronica Bright. No, my name is Mrs. Veronica Bright.

Mr. David Angell: Whatever.

The wife whom he signed in

*the wife*

as his next of kin died with him on that fateful and sad day.

Thank you for rehashing the part where the wife died. I almost forgot about the wife dying.

This is where I am interested and where I want you to come in. I want you to come in as the relation of the deceased;

Sure, why not. Lemme just slide in there like

 Do not be bothered that you are not related in any way to him as I am in position to affix your name as the next of kin.

Oh OK.

The whole Procedures will last only 9 working days to get the fund retrieved successfully without trace even in future. 

Even THE FUTURE is no match for this fail proof plan.

After the transfer of the money we shall share the money 70-30, which is I will have 70% while you will have 30%.

But I am doing all the work. 

K fine.

- - - - - - - -

UPDATE: So I'm reading Mike Sack's Poking a Dead Frog, and I come across this:

I'm embarrassed to admit I did not know who David Angell was, and had I knew, I certainly would have approached this dumb spam post a little differently. I basically assumed this was all BS. That said, I am reinvigorated in my pointless battle against spam and its effort to take real tragedy and turn it into, at best, nonsense, and, at worst, deception and thievery.

RIP David Angell.