So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

If you’ve read The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo   (and if you haven't, WHY NOT?), you know that my father-in-law has one of the more fascinating if infrequently utilized Twitter feeds in the Twitterverse. It’s so underutilized, in fact, that it sometimes opens itself up to hacking, which only adds to the overall quality: Rayban 80th Anniversary Sale,All Made in a Legitimate Factory,Come With New Box And Certificates!>> rbusnu,com — Tony Ursino (@bklynrlty) January 1, 2017 Classic. But I had noticed some curious action recently from my father-in-law on Twitter that included him congratulating, in separate cases, the Colts Neck Police Department and Bill Gates, which, sure, I guess. But I’ve never known him to be passionate about either of those things, so I wondered whether he’d been hacked again, and I explored this possibility by examining his Twitter timeline.  The jury's still out, mainly because it's nearly impossible to differentiate an actual tweet ...

My mom walks faster than she runs. This seems impossible based on the very definition of those two things, but it is true. During a road race, her hybrid style of mixing each means that she is actually resting when she is running. It makes zero sense, but you know what? It works. It didn’t always work. It was maybe five years ago when my mom entered some race in my hometown of East Brunswick, and was literally the last person to finish. Like, the front bumper of the police car trailing the race was nudging her in the butt, the police megaphone yelling, “Please run, miss, so we can all go home.” Then my mom would start running and the police would say, “OK, that’s our bad. Please walk.” Since then my mom has honed her style through extensive training. If there were a movie about my mom perfecting her routine, it would include a 45-minute montage of her run-walking up the Philly monument steps, but instead of jumping up and down with her hands in the air when she reached the t...

Scene: Face Time session yesterday evening between my wife and daughters and my in-laws: Wife : Dad, I've been telling the girls about this - do you remember the song you used to sing to me before bed when I was little? Tony : Oh yeah, oh yeah ... (sucks teeth) ... the song ... when you were little? I just ... hmmm ... you know I ... (becomes distracted) Wife : DAD! You honestly don't remember? You sang it to me every night before bed! Then you bought me the music box that played the same song. Tony : Oh yeah, oh yeah ... I just ... song, huh? It was a song? Me : (in background washing dishes, joking) I bet if you asked him who won the Masters in 2008 he would remember. Wife : Mike said if I asked you who won the Masters in 2008 you would know. Dad : Ha, ha ... yeah, yeah, yeah ... (distracted) Wife : C'mon, Dad, you seriously can't remember? Dad : I don't know, I just ... Tiger Woods? End scene For many more stories like this, please ...

I wrote another book that I am kindly demanding you purchase multiple copies of right this second . Or, ya' know, whenever. Please? The book is titled The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo , and it is about my father-in-law. It is essentially his life story—his memoir—written from my point of view. Which is to say, it’s supposed to be funny. But also informative and touching in its exploration of one man’s path to America and family life in general. Readers of So, Do You Like … Stuff? became familiar with my father-in-law through several stories contained in that book, and the feedback on those stories became the inspiration for this project. Speaking of the first book, I also want to mention— The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo is a very different beast. For starters, while Stuff contained many stories readers of this blog were already familiar with, Garlic Tuxedo is all new. Minus a few anecdotes, this is brand new material, gathered through extensive interviews and recollecti...

The following is an excerpt from my new book, The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo , which should be available in hardcover at Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com next week. Please buy it because it will make me happy, and also you happy. Promise. - - - - - My mother-in-law, Anna, had me drive her car because it fit us all. We were going to pick up her husband from work in Bay Ridge and then go to the famous Gargiulo's restaurant in Coney Island. This was assuredly going to be Tony in his element, Brooklyn, and my parents would be witnesses to the lion in the jungle. Unfortunately, the stress I had been experiencing had now transferred to Anna. Picking her husband up at work made sense logistically, but experience had taught her to be wary. If he had a bad day at work, there was no telling what he would say or do in the immediate aftermath. More importantly, she knew there was no way in heck he was going to be ready. Tony was not ready. It was rush hour in Brooklyn. W...

My new book, The Man in the Garlic Tuxedo , which is about my father-in-law, will be released soon. I hope this column, which does not appear in the book, whets your appetite.    Next week I'll be posting a sneak peak directly from the book. My father-in-law, Tony, recently accompanied me to the local car dealership. This is why. Initial salesman : ( with semi-strong accent ) Hi, can I help you guys find a car today? Tony : You are from the Philippines. Salesman : Uh, yes, I am actually. How did you know? Tony : Heh, don’t worry about me. My son-in-law needs a car. Salesman : Okay. (to me) Which car are you looking for? Tony : How is Manilla? Is it nice? How long have you been here, at this dealership? Salesman : Three and a half months. Tony : Oh. ( licks chops ) We find the car I want. Unfortunately, the first salesman did not have authority to discuss numbers. Enter his manager, Phil. Phil :...