Spam email of the week

Subject: No Risk Mattress Business

Pffft. Tell that to “Mattress” Mickey Plume, who infamously crashed and burned during the great mattress recession of ’98. RIP Mickey Plume. His headstone reads, “He loved mattresses, but flew too close to the sun.”

Respected Honor Customers,

Far be it from me to criticize your mattress marketing techniques, but I can only hope this mass email did not reach someone unworthy of the respect and honor you have quite recklessly bestowed. If some sketchy mattress dude is now walking around out there thinking his respect and honor is on par with my own, I’m gonna be pissed.

We are one of the cheapest luxury mattress factory.

If I assume the attention you would have paid to speaking normally is instead focused on mattress production, then and only then is this sentence convincing.

If you want to start mattress business with our factory

I do. (slides ring on mattress factory; we kiss)

(MOQ must be at least one 20 feet container, it is about 200 pcs mattress),

Obvs. What do you think I am, some kind of mattress novice? Like Imma MOQ a 10 feet container for 50 pcs mattress? Bitch, please.

You just need to pay 30% deposit and 70% balance can be paid 60 days after you get the copy of B/L.

It’s uncouth to talk about money this early in the mattress business process. You have offended my respect and honor.

If your company is avaiable and powerful in your country

Not sure what qualifies a company as available, but—and I don’t mean to brag—I have the most powerful mattress company in America. If you need a bill passed or a foreign dignitary poisoned, come see me. I'll be seated on a fine mattress in the back of the store.

(because we need to check your company credit at first),

This is the second time you have offended my respect and honor. I should also mention that credit score doesn’t tell the whole story. You should check out these customer testimonials:

(10-minute video of elderly woman sleeping on what appears to be a mattress)

Suffice it to say, she got that mattress at Mike’s Mattress Store. I think.  

pls feel free to contact with me to start our cooperation.

I have a feeling this is the beginning of a long and prosperous mattress-based relationship. And while I know I’ve said that before, this time I am serious. (accidentally submits MOQ for 10 feet container, 50 pcs mattress)

OH NO WHAT I HAVE DONE