So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

This past weekend I was tasked with the simple assignment of walking into Safeway and purchasing a gift card for our friend’s birthday. It did not go smoothly. We were on the way to the party, so my wife and daughter waited in the car while I ran inside. My wife’s instructions were, “Get a $25 Visa gift card.” I was like, “Okay.” There was good communication there, in the beginning. There are approximately 14 different gift card mall stations in Safeway, so I was already wondering to myself how long it would take me to find the Visa cards. I am positive my wife was concerned I’d be wooed by another station, and come back with a Cheesecake Factory card instead, thinking that was better. One of the stations is right when you walk in the store, and almost immediately after the double doors closed behind me, there they were—Visa gift cards. It was like heaven was shining a light down on them, making my life easier. I saw one that read “$25,” grabbed it and proceeded onward. I purchas...

You may recall that a couple months back I went on a fast . Since then my body has been completely out of whack. Apparently my system was shocked by the absence of caffeine/beer/cheese, and then shocked again by the reintroduction of those very things. It’s easy to blame the fast, but it’s more likely the simple fact that I am getting older. I do, after all, have graying sideburns . That said, I’m sure it was the fast. One of the things I have seemingly been confronted with is acid reflux. According to my doctor, a.k.a. the Internet, acid reflux happens when your stomach creates too much acid or whatever and it refluxes or something. The remedy is to take one of the drugs that I’ve seen on TV but never had any idea what it was for because I assumed, “I’m a young guy, I don’t need to pay attention to this.” Flomax? Dercatex? The one where the couple is taking a bath outside? Probably that one. Anyone who knows me (post college) knows that I don’t like drugs. I prefer to do things th...

Note: This column appears in the 4/2 issue of The Glendale Star and the 4/3 issue of the Peoria Times Last week, for the first time ever, my wife and I went to Trader Joe’s . For those unaware, Trader Joe’s is a grocery store that prides itself on selling independently grown and manufactured foods with natural ingredients, as well as other environmentally friendly products. It is essentially a grocery store for hippies. Are we hippies? It’s difficult to say. I often feel that my wife and I are this strange hybrid –- pun intended –- of old-world conservatism and postmodern realism. (Side note: I have no idea what “postmodern realism” means. So please don’t email me.) Our lives are either one big contradiction of ideals or the perfect balance of extremes. For example, we’re vegetarians, but we live in Arizona. We’re Yankees fans, but we love the underdog. We’re indignant at Republican corruption, but not that confident about Democrats. We’re Catholic, but we watch “The Hills.” I think it...

Milk That’s Almost Gone Bad, But Not Quite Smell I go in stages with my milk usage. Sometimes I drink more of it because I’m on a milkshake kick or I’m mixing it with my protein (due to my vegetarian status) instead of water. Other times, I’m just using it on my cereal. Either way, I generally try not to think about milk that much because -- not sure if you’re aware of this -- milk is a white substance that comes from a cow’s utters and is often made even more disgusting than that through various processes it endures on the way to the supermarket. I almost threw-up just writing that. Nevertheless, the inconsistency of my milk intake frequently leaves me with a dilemma: How much milk do I buy? What usually ends up happening is this: I end up buying a whole gallon of milk. Then I get home and realize that there’s still a half-gallon left in the refrigerator. My wife rolls her eyes and tells me she told me we didn’t need milk and emphatically warns me that I better not waste any. Then ...