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Saturday scene

Her chair is not pushed in. Hers is the only placemat remaining on the kitchen table from the breakfast we prepared and served, a crumbled-up napkin resting atop, left out of spite at being asked to put it away when she wasn't in the right frame of mind to do so. On the kitchen counter is her work ID badge and lanyard—courtesy of the job we held her hand through finding and applying for, and which she has somehow retained despite her extreme case of RBF within the field of customer care and retail—next to a three-foot-tall brand-name water bottle that she will violently fill under duress when it’s time to leave for said job, spilling and sloshing her way toward a promise of hydration that won’t be fulfilled, in turn depleting what remains of our filtered water supply and the ice that we had to make via a separate machine because she and/or her sister broke the freezer’s built-in ice maker. There are tweezers on the counter, too, for some reason, along with a receipt for eyelash att...

Graphic novel

My wife grabbed my leg in church at almost the exact same time that I, too, noticed the collections usher was wearing a graphic T-shirt. At this point, it didn't really matter what the shirt read— it was jarring on its own that the 60-something-year-old collections usher was wearing a graphic T-shirt; for reference, the elderly usher next to him moving slowly down the main middle aisle was wearing a too-big green dress shirt with suspenders holding up a pair of jeans that, without the suspenders, would have no doubt been around his ankles, a wardrobe that was at least trying — but as he moved closer it became clear that it absolutely mattered what the T-shirt read. YEAH I'M INTO FITNESS /getting closer/ FIT'N THIS DEER INTO MY I'm delirious at this point. I was barely able to stay awake during the homily and it suddenly feels like I have just polished off three Red Bulls. The letters are so large that it doesn't seem possible so much text can be legibly contained wi...

Disqualified From Court

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The Weird Animals Facebook page has finally chimed in on the latest controversy surrounding the two WNBA players who were disqualified from court: It's unclear when this violation of the award (?) took place, since the WNBA season is either 54 days ahead or five months behind us, but enforcement of the self-explanatory "No Kneeling During Flag Salute" — be it swiftly in advance or lagging a bit behind — is nevertheless inevitable. Woe to the two unnamed players who reportedly (by Weird Animals) kneeled during the traditional pre-game flag salute. It must have been hella embarrassing for them to try to step on the court afterwards only to be informed they had been disqualified from the very court on which they planned to play basketball, and also they are under arrest (seeking confirmation from Weird Animals). This post has more than 1k reactions, 56 shares, and 157 comments from various clear-headed Boomers: Roy Barnes is all about a person's rights, obviously, but e...

Leslie's Top Ten Tips for Extending Your Pool Season, This List

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Hello everyone, and welcome to Leslie’s Top Ten Tips for Extending Your Pool Season . This is the result of me happening to click on just one of the 17 emails I receive daily from Leslie’s Pool Supply, and I’m glad I did because now I am 10 tips richer when it comes to extending my pool season! I WILL SWIM FOREVER. I would also like to share my newfound knowledge so that maybe you , too, can enjoy your pool all the way through December. 1. There are many options available for extending your swimming season. Tip number one is that there are many tips. Thank you. Cooler weather outside doesn't mean you have to shut down your swimming pool. With the help of Leslie's heating products, your swimming season can be extended by several weeks – or even months. Solar covers, gas heaters, heat pumps, and solar heaters all help to increase the amount of time you and your family can comfortably enjoy the pool. No matter which option works best for you, there's something available for ev...

But these things I do

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I would like to talk about Elton John, who is (along with Bernie Taupin) widely considered one of pop music’s premier and most legendary singer-songwriters. Which I am not here to dispute. Elton John is great! I love him. We all love him.  HOWEVER. Within his illustrious canon of music are several lines I have never been able to reconcile. And these aren’t from deep cuts, but two of his most popular and famous songs, including one of my all-time favorites, “Rocket Man.” I think we’ve collectively given him a pass for these lyrics, one he’s undoubtedly earned, but the honeymoon is over after the Uber Eats commercial , and justice must be served right now, right here, on a blog nobody reads. ----------

Lower division article: a breakdown

Is It Me Or Are We Going Too Far? It’s you. More and more I feel like I’m losing touch with the world we live in.  Strong lede. You’ve established yourself as the type of person I would like to listen to. Yes I realize that it’s largely due to my age No, please, you’re being too hard on yourself. I think it’s ABOUT TIME we hear more from the middle-aged, straight white male point of view, especially when it comes to matters of inclusivity. but I always through I was pretty understanding when it came to change and the need to accept it.   “I always through I was pretty understanding” I’m not sure I can say that any longer. Technically you couldn’t say it just now. Within the last few days my beloved Penn State University, which got eight years of my money as a parent of two graduates has as one newspaper called it, “become the latest college to make a move towards wokemania.”  That may be strong but it also may be correct. I’ve never quite been able to ...

Teaser links of the week- SENIOR edition

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I'M LESS CONFUSED BY THE GIANT AVOCADO THAN I AM THAT A DOCTOR WROTE THIS STORY? DOCTOR 1 : I WAS JUST PUBLISHED IN THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE DOCTOR 2 : I RECENTLY WROTE A STORY FOR THE WEBSITE FLORASPRING ABOUT A 71-YEAR-OLD WOMAN GETTING HER DREAM BODY GIANT AVOCADO : /KILLS THEM BOTH/ SHOCKED INTO A HEART ATTACK AT AGE 106 BY THE UNCLAIMED BENEFIT OF A DISCOUNTED ICE CREAM CONE IS HOW I WANT TO GO OUT IMAGINE GETTING ALL DRESSED UP TO GO OUT IN CELEBRATION OF EQUITY RELEASE MYTHS, ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT THOSE MYTHS WERE MYTHS ALL ALONG "IT'S GONNA TAKE SOME TIME TO RECOVER FROM THIS, BUT THANK YOU LUXURY SUVs FOR BRINGING THIS TO MY ATTENTION BEFORE I MADE A BAD EQUITY RELEASE DECISION" - THIS WOMAN "BY THE WAY THIS PHOTO WON'T BE A CLOSE-UP, WILL IT?" THAT FEELING WHEN YOU'VE FOUND THE PERFECT WAY TO GET UP THE STAIRS