So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

WONDERING IF, DURING THIS QUARANTINE, THERE ARE BIRDS LOOKS LIKE THERE BIRDS WHEW! HAD A PLAYA STRESSIN' I NORMALLY DON'T CLICK ON THESE TEASER LINKS BUT ALL THIS BIRD TALK AND THIS BEAUTIFUL PHOTO HAS PIQUED MY INTEREST "LIKE IF REDMAN WERE REALLY INTO BIRDS" - ROLLING STONE DOES THE ALBUM HAVE A THEME "THIS IS A CUT FROM MY NEW ALBUM 'THERE ARE BIRDS,' IT'S CALLED 'THERE ARE BIRDS' "IT'S ABOUT HOW THERE ARE BIRDS ... "CHECK IT OUT, UH ... PREMIER ON THE 1 AND 2S /PREMIER DROPS BEAT/ "UH, YO, CHECK IT OUT ... "THERE ARE BIRDS, THERE ARE BIRDS, THAT'S MY WORD, CHECK THE WORLD OUT THERE DOIN' THEIR THING, FLASHIN' THAT BLING, LISTEN, HEAR THEM SING SHOUTOUT TO MY HOMIE THE NORTHERN LAPWING GOIN' ABOUT ALL THE THINGS, DURING SPRING, AIN'T NO THING FLYIN' IN THE FACE OF SOCIAL DIS-TANC-ING YO THE BIRDS ARE THERE, IN THE AIR, IN MY HAIR?, ONLY THING FOR SURE ...

You may or may not remember that my wife has an extreme fear of birds. I mean, you would only remember that if you read the column from like four years ago about how my wife hates birds. These are the types of things I write about. Honestly? I’m not sure why anyone reads this column. Anyway, if for some reason you don’t remember that particular column or have it handy in your archives, here are the Cliff Notes: my wife hates birds. If I had to boil “birds” down (my wife would literally like to boil birds) to something more specific, I will say that my wife hates, especially, pigeons. Pigeons, I think, are most famous for residing in two places: Italy and New York. With regards to the former, my wife spent many vacations in her father’s homeland, and of all the wonderful things Italy is famous for, the pigeons in St. Mark’s Square are not one. In fact, if you YouTube “ pigeon attack in St. Mark’s Square ,” you, too, will develop a hatred of pigeons. Hey, let’s go to Italy so we can...

Note: This column appears in the 5/10 issue of The Glendale Star and the 5/11 issue of the Peoria Times. Although she is the most strong-willed person I have ever met, there are a few things that scare my wife. Birds, for example. Also, scary movies. Alfred Hitchcock’s Birds —although it strangely played no role in developing her fear of either medium—is, for her, the world’s single worst manmade creation. Another thing that scared her for a while, and sort of still does: motherhood. One of the many things I’ve always admired about my wife is that she has high standards. (Here I could insert a self-deprecating joke about how she relented on those standards regarding her husband, but that would be boring and predictable. Besides, I think I’m a decent guy. There, I said it.) She expects the best from everyone, and I would venture to say that 99 percent of her disappointments occur when the thoughtfulness she has for others is not reciprocated. She holds herself to those same ...