So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

SIGN NO. 1: YOU HAVE ENORMOUS BREASTS I'M NOT A SOLDIER BUT THIS PHOTO CAPTURES ARMY LIFE BETTER THAN ANYTHING I'VE EVER READ OR WATCHED DO PEOPLE NOT KNOW IF THEY SERVED IN THE ARMY AND THEY'RE CONSULTING THIS LIST TO FIND OUT IF SO THOSE ARE PROLLY NOT THE PEOPLE WE WANT IN THE ARMY NOT SURE IF THIS IS A FUN LISTICLE OR IF IT'S SAYING THESE SIGNS OF SERVING IN THE ARMY ARE EXPLICIT AND YOU SHOULD BE 18 YEARS OR OLDER TO CLICK JUDGING BY THE PHOTO SEEMS LIKE THE LATTER LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S READY FOR THE ARMY "YOU MAY LIKE" *MAY* AS IF COMPETING "JENNIFER ANISTON LEAVING LITTLE TO THE IMAGINATION" ARTICLES ARE NOT THE ONLY REASON I LOG ON EVERY DAY AH THIS HELPFUL SCIENCE DIAGRAM EXPLAINS IT IN LAYMAN'S TERMS WHO NEEDS ARMS AND A PENIS WHEN YOU HAVE SIX-PACK ABS I WONDER IF IT'S OVALTINE HEALTH MD ... SOUNDS LEGIT GONNA CREATE A SITE CALLED "LAWYER, ESQ" WITH ARTICLES LIKE "TRY THIS ...

Subject: Tax refund message! Cool! Usually my tax refund message comes from my tax professionals after I've filed my taxes and relates to the taxes I pay in America, but this email from office@hmrc.gov.uk seems excited, if not legit. Tax Refund Notification Profesh header HM Revenue & Custωms (HMRC) Date: 19/12/2014 The “o” in “Customs” here is either a “w” in a weird font or a pair of boobs, in which case, sign me up for taxes! I look forward to arranging the details of my taxes with an organization that is under the impression there are at least 19 months. And what was your gross income for the month of Boinktober? I don’t see it listed on your W2. A tαx refund of 472.49 GBP. (Still Pending) Due to invαlid αccount record we were unable to credit your αccount. Please submit a verified tαx refund form. How you gonna mess with a man’s GBPs, UNCLE SAM? Sheesh. Anyway, yeah, let me just fill out a verified tax refund form, which is a thing, for t...

Note: This column appears in the 7/25 issue of the Peoria Times If you’re like me, then you subscribe to Money magazine and you firmly believe in everything it states, especially when it comes to a subjective compilation of the best places to live. Which is why I was so ecstatic to discover that Money magazine listed Peoria , AZ -- yeah, this one! -- as the No. 55 best place to live in the United States of America. My first reaction to this news was this: “Wait, there are 54 places better than here? Get my real estate agent on the phone!” My second reaction was this: “How the heck did they come up with this information?” It’s simple, really. Money magazine has a staff of approximately three million people, who were each assigned to live in various locales with populations ranging from 50,000-300,000 people, for one year. Each staff member created an Excel spreadsheet detailing all of the aspects of their respective town, including the weather, school system, proximity to a Cheesecake F...

Note: This column appears in the 3/13 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 3/14 issue of the Peoria Times Last Friday evening was my annual fantasy baseball draft. Going into this particular draft, I felt that I possessed a distinct advantage, as I have been furiously scouting various major league teams during spring training. Granted, by “various major teams” I am referring to, pretty much, the Padres, who, until last Friday, I had seen play a grand total of one time in 2008. And my distinct method of scouting involves watching several players (on the Padres) play baseball for two innings during a meaningless spring training game, and making general assumptions based on this small sample size of performance. So with the draft fast approaching, I decided it would be a good idea to get in one more cram session, bringing my grand total of scouting cram sessions to two. On draft day, Friday, the Padres were facing the Arizona Diamondbacks, which would give me some great insight into yet an...