So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: Re:Steel products supplier from Huaye Group I honestly didn’t know there was a group other than Huaye by which to acquire a steel products supplier, but OK. Dear Manager, Nice to contact you, Is it? I am going to make fun of this. Shanghai Huaye Iron & Steel Group is a  China ’s top 500 enterprises Rank No.104 with 24  years' development as a  manufacturer of various steel. I like my steel like I like my facts—cold and hard. And the fact is I only do business with Top 100 Chinese enterprises. You have exactly 24 hours to move up four spots, or the deal is OFF. Just kidding I don't care let's do this. I am Cindy with four years sales experience, Cindy sounds like a traditional Chinese name and your vast experience in steel sales speaks for itself. Show me the dotted line and I will sign for any amount of steel. I need steel, and lots of it. I don't eff around when it comes to steel. Steel me. Hope this e-mai...

Subject: MRS VERONICA BRIGHT This sounds like a cool new show on Disney Channel. > Saudaзхes amigo, > > Vocк pode se perguntar por que eu estou chegando a vocк, apesar de amigos que conheзo hб anos, a razгo singular й que eu tenho pela prуpria natureza desta proposiзгo e da confidencialidade exigida decidiu lidar com uma pessoa que eu nгo conhecia antes, para que possamos desenvolver a confianзa e executar esta operaзгo sem um terceiro > knowing .I pessoa nгo teria usado esse meio ( Internet ), mas eu escolhi para chegar atй vocк > atravйs dele, porque й a forma mais rбpida, mais segura e mais segura de comunicaзгo. I went ahead and bolded the words I understand, thinking maybe they are clues. So, knowing that I don’t speak whatever language this is, I decided to scroll down on my Internet , and I discovered MRS VERONICA BRIGHT had translated this entire email to English. They don’t call me Sherlock Homeboy for nothin’. Ø     ...

And there I was, as the prophecy foretold, trying to convince my 5-year-old daughter that Cher is a woman. Friday mornings are flagged as “playlist Fridays” for when I drive the girls to school. What this means is that I create a Spotify playlist of their favorite songs, and we pretty much jam out at volumes that my wife would no doubt deem inappropriate. It’s a little something special we have together, and it also gives me some important leverage throughout the week. For the last time, get out of the dog bed or playlist Friday is CANCELED! It’s often the case that throughout the week the girls will make requests for the playlist. Our youngest will request literally every song she hears, regardless of whether or not she likes it, if it’s on the playlist already, or if it’s even a song. She has requested commercial jingles for car insurance to be added, and anything with even a faint melody will result in a Pavlov’s dogs-type reaction of, “DADDY, CAN YOU PUT THIS ON THE PL...

Subject: Tax refund message! Cool! Usually my tax refund message comes from my tax professionals after I've filed my taxes and relates to the taxes I pay in America, but this email from office@hmrc.gov.uk seems excited, if not legit. Tax Refund Notification Profesh header HM Revenue & Custωms (HMRC) Date: 19/12/2014 The “o” in “Customs” here is either a “w” in a weird font or a pair of boobs, in which case, sign me up for taxes! I look forward to arranging the details of my taxes with an organization that is under the impression there are at least 19 months. And what was your gross income for the month of Boinktober? I don’t see it listed on your W2. A tαx refund of 472.49 GBP. (Still Pending) Due to invαlid αccount record we were unable to credit your αccount. Please submit a verified tαx refund form. How you gonna mess with a man’s GBPs, UNCLE SAM? Sheesh. Anyway, yeah, let me just fill out a verified tax refund form, which is a thing, for t...

Subject: No Risk Mattress Business Pffft. Tell that to “Mattress” Mickey Plume, who infamously crashed and burned during the great mattress recession of ’98. RIP Mickey Plume. His headstone reads, “He loved mattresses, but flew too close to the sun.” Respected Honor Customers, Far be it from me to criticize your mattress marketing techniques, but I can only hope this mass email did not reach someone unworthy of the respect and honor you have quite recklessly bestowed. If some sketchy mattress dude is now walking around out there thinking his respect and honor is on par with my own, I’m gonna be pissed. We are one of the cheapest luxury mattress factory. If I assume the attention you would have paid to speaking normally is instead focused on mattress production, then and only then is this sentence convincing. If you want to start mattress business with our factory I do. (slides ring on mattress factory; we kiss) (MOQ must be at least one 20 feet con...

I’m not sure if the same can be said about the road of life, but on the literal road I prefer leading to following. It provides for an interesting dynamic, following another’s car. The leader must always be cognizant of the follower, especially when it comes to speed, lane changes, and going through yellow lights. My constant awareness of the person behind me and willingness to sacrifice my usual driving techniques is what makes me, I believe, a pretty good leader. But there is also responsibility on the follower, who must navigate the timidity of defensive driving with the subtle aggression of staying behind another vehicle. It’s also important that the follower develop a rapport with the leader because when these two drivers are in harmony, it becomes a virtual orchestra of driving beauty in which a synchronized blinker provides the beat. But that is rare. A few years ago I followed my father-in-law from New Jersey to Pittsburgh. It was a seven-hour drive that mercil...

Subject: Happy Day Partner I'm not sure if this is a salutation, an email from a dating site, or a solicitation from a daycare for cowboy children. Happy Day Partner It's a salutation. Please Partner accepts my apology'' I forgive you? (I am Partner.)   Hope this mail will fine you an excellent Condition of health with your family. I'm happy to inform you about my Successful. in getting those funds transferred or diverted under the co- operation of a new Partner from Paraguay as i cannot wait any longer. Presently I'm in South Korea For investment projects with my own share of the total sum. Starting a new paragraph mid-sentence is something that would normally cause me to immediately end a partnership, especially considering there is a new Partner from Paraguay in the picture (slut). But as I stated earlier, I forgive my partner. We can work this out. Meanwhile I didn't forget you're past efforts and attempts to assist in Transferring th...

You know what I need? Some cheap, non-woven bags. Subject: re:cheap non woven bags Nice day! Dear colleagues (looks around) I think it's just m- Nice day I KNOW, RIGHT? This is Rick from Shandong Deson packing for shopping bags. Hi Rick. Knowing that you just imported non woven bags from china recent months , You must have me confused with someone else. I imported woven bags from China this past August. (checks receipt) Dammit. Please continue. so we wonder if you can give me chances to offer you some bag price . I will give you three chances to offer me some bag price. We are very good at non woven bag and foldable shopping bags with all kind shape. That was your first chance. It didn't go well. Any offer pls let me know Second chance. Fail. THIRD TIME'S A CHARM RICKY BOY, HIT ME OFF WITH 100K PIECES OF THE FOB NINGBO FLAVA. #FOBNINGBO (next day) Haven't heard from Rick in a hot minute. Hope he's OK. Subject: re :secon...

Every seven or eight years it seems, my body goes through some dramatic change. Not as fun and weird as puberty, just … weird. Is this normal? That is why I am writing this. To find out if I am normal. The most frustrating bodily change happened sometime shortly after college when, out of nowhere, I started pitting out. If you don’t know what pitting out means, it’s when your armpits sweat so profusely that it’s visible through your shirt. And that’s regardless of how many shirts you’re wearing because the double-edged sword of pitting out is that, if you try to wear more layers to cover your sweat marks, you will only sweat more. Thy pits are a tameless shrew. There are few things more uncomfortable than pitting out. Sure, the feeling of sweat under your pits is awful, but there is also the embarrassment of raising your hand at a party to let it be known that, yes, you would like another beer, only to reveal your pits are floating in a salty sea of sweat for no apparent r...

Subject: ADK: Abby Danielle Kiki I am assuming ADK is a singing group and that ADK > SWV. Sam has sent you a link to a blog: Thank you, Sam. I like when people send me blog links via emails with headers like "ADK: Abby Danielle Kiki" instead of me going on a blog of my own volition. Hi i'm Charlotte Here is a list of people SO FAR involved in this terrible email: Abby Danielle Kiki Sam Charlotte I am Mike. you do not remember me we'd a discussion on-line Why are you certain I don't remember you, Charlotte? Was I drunk during our discussion online? No, I don't think so. Of course I remember you, Charlotte! You have blond hair and almost have your GED and your favorite ... thing is ... something ... j/k I don't remember you. I was drunk. please join with me at night i can be online there late in the evening OK. Late in the evening is also the best time to catch me online, chatting with babes. Hold up, actually - let me check my...

Subject: Please if you have the fear of GOD, Please Reply. OK. Dear Blessed One, Urgent Assistance Needed!!! This subtle desperation is appealing to my senses. Greetings to you blessed one!. As you read through my message, I do not want you to feel pity or sorry for me, No problem. for I believe someday,somehow,we will all surely die, What a unique belief. To each his own, I guess. My name is Mrs. Mrs.Blessing Handerson For some reason, it's the "Handerson" I find most humorous. Maybe it's because I'm imagining a spam sitcom called "Harry and the Handersons" about a sasquatch who is blessed. a Citizen of the united kingdom, I am a 53years old woman, I am diagnosed of Cancer of the Larynx and it is terminal, medical science can not do anything for me at this stage. I believe in miracles because I believe in GOD, however I prefer to pass on at this stage since I am bed ridden and in constant pain. Here is the Cliff Notes version of th...

For the past few years, “playing outside” meant the backyard. Our girls, however, are getting older and enjoy riding their bikes and scooters, so playing out front has become a thing. A very stressful thing, for us. Whereas we can continue to get stuff done while they play in the backyard, we have to be with them out front. The backyard is contained; the front is a seemingly endless frontier of invisible yet challenged barriers. Also, cars. Making matters more difficult is the fact there are suddenly many children in our neighborhood, most of whom either have no parents and live alone like Pipi Longstocking or have parents who treat the front like we do the backyard and are nowhere to be found. I often have to beep my car horn at random children to get out of our driveway when I am trying to pull into the garage, and the neighborhood kids have recently taken up the hobby of ringing our doorbell after 9 p.m. and running away. I am only a few years away from answering the door f...