Snorkeling only

We purchased a snorkel for our daughter to use in the pool (for her upcoming birthday, so SHHHHH!). Here are the instructions that my wife discovered in the packaging (MUCH to her delight):

“Yes hello, snorkel customer service? Yeah, I just had a couple questions about the sn-”

“It will be a little fog.”

“OK uh, that wasn’t really why I was calling, but yes, the fogging is kinda heavy.”

“Are you wearing the mask properly?”

“It goes on your butt, right? J/k, but I mean, your previous statement suggested that the fog is an issue with the mask, not a user error.”

“What is the temperature of the water? Is it at least 18 kilopascals?”

“What”

“Are you a competent swimmer?”

“Well, I figured I'd learn how to snorkel first, then swim.”

“Doesn't matter. Don’t snorkel alone, always have a companion.”

“It’s funny you say that, because my wife and I have a framed photo above our bed with that exact quote.”

“Are you trying to snorkel in high or rapid wave?”

“Yes, absolutely. One wave. The same wave. Besides, snorkeling in calm waters is pointless.”

“The snorkel is for snorkeling only.”

/camera pans out reveal I’m wearing the snorkel as I’m sautéing asparagus with one hand and shot-gunning beer down snorkel tube with the other/ “Yes of course.”

“Have you tried practicing in the shallow beach or swimming poor?”

/flashback to me trying to snorkel in the sand; I'm lying motionless/ “The beach was difficult but my swimming poor has been ideal. Thank goodness I’m not pool and can afford a poor! Ha ha … I’m sorry, that was very insensitive.”

“Don’t use for the baby or kid less than 36 months, it will lead to Choking."

"I'm 41, but I'm pretty sure babies can snorkel. I mean, it's 2019. By the way did you just capitalize ‘choking?’ I can tell over the phone. Why did you do that? Also, are you listening to anything I’m saying? Is this a recording?”

“It is no protection in the accident.”

“Wow, that is ominous. We need to talk about these pictures, though. What is even going on here?”

“It is no protection in the accident. The accident is upon us.”

“I’m going to hang up now, OK? Everything is good, the snorkel is great, thanks.”