Spam email of the week

Subject: Details of Our Investigation (Read And Understand The Truth About Your Fund)!!!

The air of legitimacy is invisible, but if you could see it, it would be three clouds forming exclamation points.

ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (E.F.C.C)
Internet Advance Fee Fraud/Fraud Alert Department

That is definitely a thing. But just to be sure, you guys got a reference?

Our Ref: EFCC/NG/FG/2015

Say word. What about a motto? All good crime divisions have a motto.

Motto: No Body Is Above The Law.

That motto is [sic].

All Security Agencies.
 
Attention!!!

I am not a security agency. I am Mike. Should I still pay at-

Respectively, this is to inform you personally that after thorough Investigations reviewed of your transaction records, your funds transfer release documents by the Federal Intelligence of the Economic Financial Crime Commission {E.F.C.C} of the West African Region in conjunction with the Department of the Homeland Security {D.H.S} of United States of America, National Security Agency {N.S.A} and the International Monetary Fund {I.M.F} assessment report.

Well, you definitely know what letters are, but that is unfortunately not a sentence. We’re off to a good start.

The Audit reports given to us shows that you have been going through difficult times partnering with Criminals, Fraudulent Characters, Thieves and Internet Fraudsters to the release of your funds, which has been delayed by this dubious officials, thereby rubbing you of your hard earn money and made you a Scam Victim.

Far be it from me to wonder why the E.F.C.C. (LOL) is coming to the defense of someone who is willingly partnering with fraudulent characters, although I will say that being rubbed with money is the least of my problems. I wouldn’t even call it a problem as much as a fetish. I got 99 problems but getting rubbed with money ain’t one.

We the Federal Intelligence of the Economic Financial Crime Commission {E.F.C.C} in conjunction with the Department of the Homeland Security

Imma let you finish (I’m not), but please—just tell me who I have to contact about this.

Directly to the Head, International Banking Division of Diamond Bank Plc.

FOR YOUR FUNDS, apply directly to the head.

Me: (walks into Diamond Bank) YO WHERE THE HEAD AT?

Man: (wearing name tag that reads “The Head”) Can I help you?

Me: Oh no doubt, no doubt. Trying to cop my funds from the EFCC, na mean? But first off … (takes out handful of dollar bills) … can you rub me with this?