Spam email of the week

Subject: YOUR FULL SERVICE NEEDED FOR BDAY

Birthday services are just another thing we offer here at the weekly, community newspapers I work for. Is your birthday theme “school districts” or “council meetings?” Because we have paper plates for both. Also, I am a stripper.

Hello am Juliet I need Your Event planning service for my Mother 70th Birthday

I’ve already purchased a hilarious card about how your mom is over the hill and also an old fart and there is a butt on the card that farts when you open it and the fart smells like old people. It’s gonna be great. Is your mom allergic to nitrogen dioxide?

coming up on the 17th of March,

Damn, Juliet—can you give a playa some advanced notice? I mean, believe me, we’ve put together lavish birthday parties for mothers on shorter notice in the past here at these newspapers, but it’s like … c’mon.

am making it a confidential Surprise Birthday for her and the Family am her only Child...

Hold on I’m writing this down … surprise party … one guest … got it.

All I need from you is to get a Location and Coordinate the Event for 3hr

Oh, that’s all you need? A three-hour long surprise birthday party for a 70-year-old mother of one on five days notice on a Tuesday which is also St. Patrick’s Day? Lucky for you I booked the McDonald’s Playland on Deer Valley and 83^rd three weeks ago just in case something like this happened. Hope that b*tch likes a swirly slide.

which my Budget  is $1800

That should work.

but its Flexible

Actually I just remembered I’m going to need $3,500.

and also Did you accept Credit Card method as Payment?

I don’t know, did I? Ha, ha, j/k Juliet—of course I don’t. Cash only.

1:: My budget is $1800 but its Flexible and also Did you accept Credit Card method as Payment?.

This is you:

I am going to make a dumb list with double colons.

1:: I am going to make a dumb list with double colons.

2:: Time 3pm to 6pm on the 17th of March  or any other available date and time convenient for you?.

It’s hard to imagine a more convenient time for a “confidential surprise birthday party” than mid to late afternoon on a Tuesday that is also a holiday, but hey, like I tell all my clients because it is also our motto: Whatever is best for your mom.

3:: I want you Book Hall in Town for 30guest (Adults Age 40 - 70).

I feel like you asked for help but are trying to dictate all the details. Ugh! I’ve gone ahead and canceled Playland and booked Generic Hall in Town on Riverside Ave. They have a room specifically for 30 old people with one TV that plays “NCIS” on a constant loop. Party is gonna be OFF THE CHAIN. Literally though, you can’t wear chains there. Choking hazard plus nearby gangs.

4:: I want a Purple linens for the tables with centerpieces balloons to dress the table.

I’m guessing that means you expected there would be tables. Dammit.

NOTE:: I Did not need Catering Service and DJ service from you::

UGH.

(takes out party to-do list, crosses off "DJ Premier hosts, also makes his famous corned beef and cabbage)


She had a Favorite Band I want to hire them as a surprise for her birthday as Surprise for her

Is it Train? It better be Train.

and also Its only Cake,Drinks and Pizza that will be served as refreshment 

Pizza is my favorite refreshment. Second favorite: drinks.

which I will personally make arrangement for that too.

You know what, Juliet? Why don’t you just handle this party yourself? Sheesh. I mean, really … I don’t even know why I try. (sadly opens over the hill fart card, it farts loudly)