So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: There is something I wanted to share with you.. Okay. That's pretty much implied when you send someone an email. Nevertheless! If I were u I would never tell to any of friends that such a girl is writing to u because she really makes mouths water! And we're off! Here is me talking to my friends, trying to withhold this valuable information. T-Mac : ... And then we made out all night! She was so hot! Like from a magazine or something. Hey Coop - toss me a brewskie, will ya'? All this talk about hot chicks is making me thirsty. For beer. Me : That's a good one, T-Mac. Well, pretty good, I guess. T-Mac : Hey man, whaddya mean "pretty good?" Coop : Yeah, sounds like you got somethin' to say, K-Dawg ... Me : Nah, it's nothing. She just ... didn't want me to say anything. T-Mac : Oh that's bs, man! Cough up the goods, K-dawg - your with "The Crew," and you remember our motto? Everyone : "Don't keep secr...

I think the most divisive American holiday is Black Friday. Even more divisive than Columbus Day, whose namesake people are just now realizing was maybe not very nice . Possibly Black Friday could be renamed Columbus Day since Columbus had a black heart and also bought commodities (9-year-old girls, natives) at a discount. Please call your congressman if you agree. Oh, what’s that? Black Friday isn’t a holiday? Well, most people have off from work and you can buy a new mattress with no payments for 12 months so … it’s a holiday. Like many, I had always assumed the “black” in Black Friday represented the sheer awfulness of the experience of going out and shopping that day. Who can forget the brave woman who lost her foot in the double sliding doors of Sears back in ’94? Probably a lot of people since it never happened, but still. It happened . But recent years have beaten us over the head with the fact that the black signifies how stores go from red into black on this day, financi...

We were sleeping soundly, my wife and I, one recent weekend morning. It was pitch black, the sun still seemingly hours away from rising. It was a blissful moment of much-needed rest that was interrupted by my wife’s panicked scream. AHHHHHHHHH! I popped my head up fast and, although my eyes were still groggy and adjusting to my surroundings, I immediately saw the source of my wife’s terror. It was a haunting silhouette of a child next to my wife’s side of the bed, her head eerily illuminated by the light coming from the monitor that we keep nearby which looks into the girls’ room. My heart skipped a beat, and for a brief moment I wondered if we were in the middle of some demented, Children of the Corn -esque horror movie. The shadowy child said nothing, but looked on, stoic, undeterred by our panic. Finally she spoke, undoubtedly, I figured, to reveal some demented clue that may help us escape a terrible fate—“Seek the medallion from the evil jester in three midnights or beware, ...

YOU TELL 'EM LADY WITH A MOP AND BUCKET PEOPLE SAY I CAN'T TALK ABOUT POOP CAUSE I'M "35" PFFT POOP BE STANKIN' AMIRITE? BOUT TO GO RIDE THE SLIDE AT MCDONALD'S PLAYLAND "OUTTA THE WAY KIDS THIS MAKES ME HAPPY AND I'M NOT HURTING ANYONE" "EXCEPT LIL DUDE O'ER THERE, MY BAD PLAYA - DIDN'T MEAN TO KICK YOU IN THE DOME" THIS LADY BE LIKE, "I'M ONLY 29 BUT I CAN BE AN OLD MAID IF IT MAKES ME HAPPY" I BET SHE ABOUT TO CLEAN UP SOME POOP LOL ACTUALLY JUST DID SOME RESEARCH AND IT SAYS WE HAVE TO ACT OUR AGE IN THE CONSTITUTION SO ERRRBODY JUST CHILL OUT, YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE THESE MEMES PLEASE FORGIVE THE POOP JOKES BOUT TO GO WRITE OUT A MORTGAGE CHECK OR SOMETHIN'

Subject: Re: Web Design & Development Okay, right off the bat I want to mention that this spam email is not interesting or funny in any way EXCEPT that it is: From: Akon  Hi, HI AKON   Hope you are well. HOPE YOU ARE WELL TOO AKON                           I just wanted to check if you had received my last mails sent. OH NO! I haven't received any prior emails from you, Akon. What's up with that? I feel like I definitely would have remembered if I received an email from Senegalese American R&B and hip-hop recording artist Akon. ( checks junk email folder ) Nope. Nothing. I guess it's lost in cyberspace, huh, Akon? LOL. Seriously though I feel bad about this, like we're off on the wrong foot.         Haven't heard back from you, just wondering if you are interested in our services. I...

It wasn’t like I actively fought against having family pictures taken—it was actually never discussed. My wife and I share a distaste for all things cheesy, so I assumed she found the idea of professional family pictures as cheesy as I did. Then one day a couple weeks ago she was like, “We’re having our pictures taken Saturday,” and handed me a hot pink necktie. Darn. When I think of family pictures, two things immediately come to mind. The first is walking into someone’s house and seeing a humongous family portrait over the fireplace where the family is dressed in all white and laughing pleasantly as they walk along a white sandy beach during an apparent dream sequence. Who could ever compete with such a clear representation of Caucasian happiness? “Welcome to our home. You know this is really our home because that is our family above the fireplace, see? I trust you and your family have had similar blissful experiences ... ” “Uh, actually we had to s...

ONE OF MY FLAWS IS THAT SOMETIMES I NEGLECT TO USE APOSTROPHES. THATS JUST ME YALL. JOIN ME WHILE I GAZE OUT ONTO SELF-AFFIRMATION MOUNTAIN. STUPID ASS MOUNTAIN BE THINKING IM SOMEBODY ELSE - DEAL WITH MY IMPERFECTIONS YOU BIG PILE OF ROCKS. YOU DONT LOVE ME. GOT A SCAR ON MY LEG FROM TRYIN TO CLIMB SELF-AFFIRMATION MOUNTAIN BACK IN '05. GOT A SCAR ON MY HEART FROM WHEN THE SHERPA I FELL IN LOVE WITH WAS LIKE DAMN YOU TALK TOO MUCH I'M OUT. . THAT'S AIIIIIGHT THOUGH TRUE LOVE WILL FIND ME IM OVER HERE TRUE LOVE, JUST FOLLOW THE SCENT OF FEBREZE. I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT PLEASE SEE PAST THEM SO I'M NOT ALONE. IM JUST ME. THESE ARE DAVE'S WORDS OF WISDOM NOT MINE. DAVE BE MAD WISE, YO. DAVE FIND ME IN THE COMMENTS I LEFT MY NUMBER AND MEASUREMENTS.

Subject: get high quality cheap price brand t-shirt shoes from here What are t-shirt shoes? I want t-shirt shoes. Dear sir, Have a good day there. Thanks, chief. Go ahead and have a good there yourself, okay champ? Keep on truckin'. And hey, big guy over there - have yourself a good day too, why doncha. I'm handin' out good day wishes like lollipops over here ... feeling good about things. Where were we? Are we done? Is that the end of the email? I never found out about the t-shirt shoes. Our company sell high quality cheap price brand items. Might wanna go ahead and proofread your work there, big fella. No biggie for me though, I'm just a regular Joe like you, and I like the cut of your jib. I'm buying what you're selling. What are you selling? Such as A&F Polo Armani Burberry Coogi Lacoste Ed Hardy Gucci Louis Vuitton Style Guess Versace Tommy Prada clothing They got these things called "commas" now, you should check 'em out whe...

When my phone buzzed just before 5 a.m. Monday morning, I knew it was someone from my family back East since they never consider the time zone difference when texting. (The flood of annual 4 a.m. texts makes for something other than a happy birthday.) Half asleep, I fumbled for my phone and sure enough, it was my mom. The text—which she somehow duplicated to come through twice, classic mom—read, “Dad’s in recovery, everything went well!” Great, I thought as I put the phone down and attempted to enjoy another five minutes of sleep before my alarm went off. That’s a relief. Wait, what ? In a familiar scenario as it pertains to my family, I had no idea what my mom was talking about. Did my dad just have surgery? What kind of surgery? Did I know about this? I definitely did not know about this. Was it all a dream? Granted, it had been more than a week since I had spoken to my parents, but I felt like I would have remembered if, when we last spoke, they had mentioned th...

Subject: Can I Please Pay You? Yes. I am offering an ad with unlimited earning potential. Well HELLO to you, too. Sheesh. No manners. Back in my day spam emails always began with a pleasant greeting before getting down to business. Spam emails these days ... they don't even ask how my penis is doing anymore. Anyway, I'm in. Where do I sign? This ad has the ability to earn more money than any of your flat rate ads. I have a question: Who is placing this ad, you or me? How much money are my flat rate ads earning and how do you know that? What is a flat rate ad? Whodunnit? Is this about that thing? Our advertising offer: 1.       We pay you monthly. Again, I am not sure what is happening, but I accept. 2.       We provide you with a unique coupon code. How unique? I want my coupon code to be this: MOIST *765 3.       We pay you 15% of every transact...

"Oh snap, did someone kill your parents like in Batman?" WHAT? NO I JUST HATE ERRRRBODY FOR VARIOUS INCONSEQUENTIAL REASONS "For real? Maybe you should get off Facebook for a while and seek some counseling or whatever because you're always sharing memes about killing people, like literally killing people." PFFT. FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT MAD DUDES WOULD BE STRAIGHT DEAD RIGHT NOW IF I WASN'T SO SCARED OF PRISON. GRANTED, PRISON WAS CREATED AS A DETERRENT FOR THINGS LIKE MURDER AND STUFF, SO THIS MEME IS KIND OF JUST REAFFIRMING THE PURPOSE OF A SOCIETAL INSTITUTION, BUT Y'ALL STILL BE HATIN'. IMMA KILL YOU JUST FOR HATIN'. WHERE'S MY GUN? OOPS FORGOT ABOUT PRISON FOR A HOT MINUTE. I THINK MY STRONG DESIRE TO KILL IS BEST EXEMPLIFIED BY REPUTED MODERN KILLING MACHINE HOMER SIMPSON WIT A GUN TO YO' FACE. MY FAVORITE QUENTIN TARANTINO MOVIE IS THE ONE WHERE HOMER SIMPSON KILLS SAMUEL L. CLARKSON AT THE END. I HAVE A GOOD GRASP ...

Here is a dramatization of me cooking Trader Joe’s pumpkin pancakes on a weekend morning in the fall. Who wants pumpkin pancakes? Yes, I AM a good father. Babe, clear the kitchen and hold all my calls. What? No, this recipe doesn’t call for eggs. Trust me, it doesn’t. Fine, I’ll double-check, but I’m telling you ... ( checks box ) … you’ve got to be kidding me. This must be a different kind of mix than I remember. We have eggs, right? ( checks refrigerator ) I’ll be right back. ( 25 minutes later ) Who wants pumpkin pancakes? Babe, when it says milk, I can use rice milk, right? What do you mean “at my own risk?” What’s the difference? Well I would have gotten milk at the store if I realized I needed it. Because I stopped reading the box after I saw “one egg,” that’s why. Whatever. Babe, how do you use this double-sided measuring thingee again? Which side is for liquids and which side is for solid—PANCAKE MIX SPILL, arg! Someone get the dog out of here. ( 10 minut...

MY DANG KID TRIED TO LIE TO ME AND TELL ME SHE WASHED HER HANDS AFTER DROPPIN A DUECE BUT I WAS LIKE HOLD UP - I CHANNELED MY INNER BUGS BUNNY AND SMELLED HER HANDS AND WAS LIKE, YOU DIDN'T WASH GIRL, GET BACK IN THERE! HERE IS MY LIST OF PEOPLE RENOWN FOR FINDING SH*T OUT: -MIKE WALLACE -J EDGAR HOOVER -THE KID FROM GOONIES -BUGS BUNNY IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER CAUSE BUGS IS NO. 1 OBVS. THIS MEME DONE NAILED IT, LET'S SEE WHAT THE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO TOOK TIME OUT OF THEIR BUSY SCHEDULES TO COMMENT ON THIS MEME HAD TO SAY: MY FAVORITE THING TO DO AFTER FINDING SH*T OUT BUGS BUNNY STYLE IS TO ORDER BLACK PEPPER SPICES. HOLD UP, 'BOUT TO CHEW ON THIS INVESTIGATIVE CARROT AND FIND OUT IF ESOKAAGRICPRIDUCT IS LEGIT. YEP IT BE LEGIT. PUTTIN' SOME BLACK PEPPER SPICE ON MY SOUP RIGHT NOW, HOMEBOY. FIGURE IT OUT.

Subject: From ms Juliet. Hi Ms. Juliet.. That is cool how you have a period in your name like the band FUN.. Let's set the world on fire, we can grow brighter than the sun with this email. I feel inspired. Also I hate that song and I hate you. Hi Let me inform yu my desire to establish in your country through your help. I learned about Juliet in high school English but Juliet doesn't know high school English HA HA HA HA HA that is a joke I just thought of, top of the head. Just keepin' it real, not trying to offend anyone here. But seriously you seem like a moron. What's up? Although we do not know, there is this amount $6.5 my father deposit in BANK before he was killed. Let's break this beauty down. Although we do not know, Although we do not know WHAT? Here are some things I do not know, in addition to why you used the phrase "Although we do not know": -WHAT IS GOING ON That is the list. there is this amount $6.5 my father deposit ...

One of the themes of the Clint Eastwood-directed Hereafter , starring Matt Damon, is that those with genuine psychic ability can often be reluctant to share it because of how society generally perceives psychics. As usual, I agree with Clint Eastwood—it can’t be easy to be a psychic. To reference another movie (my entire worldview is based on information I have gathered from movies) just look at how difficult things got for Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost . She almost got murdered by that guy! But she maintained her sense of humor throughout, plus her sense of being psychic. She’s the best, Whoopie Goldberg. I mean, not only do psychics have to deal with the burden of communication with the supernatural, but they also have to deal with the jokes of commoners like myself: What do you mean you forgot your jacket? You’re a psychic! You should have known about this cold front. LOL. (Seriously though, you should have worn a jacket.) So psychics have it tough, for sure. However, they don’t d...

SO TRUE SO TRUE MAD IS DIFFERENT THAN SAD YOU MAD BRO? NO I'M SAD I AIN'T MAD ATCHA (TUPAC) I'M SAD ATCHA (ME) WHERE YOU GOIN', BOAT? GOT ME OUT HERE IN MY NIGHTGOWN LOOKING LIKE SOME WHITE TRASH FLOOZY HAIR LOOKING LIKE A PANTENE COMMERCIAL THOUGH, FOR REAL HOPE YOU CATCH A LOT OF FISH YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DIRTBAG /BOAT BLOWS FOGHORN/ OH YEAH? /HOLDS UP TWO MIDDLE FINGERS/ THAT'S THE SAD TALKIN'

I was a fan of Jeru the Damaja in the 90s, but hey, weren't we all? As Americans? Anyhoo, in 1996, Jeru released "Wrath of the Math," a solid album thanks largely to the production of DJ Premier, although Jeru could hold his own lyrically. Kind of. He liked to (using this particular track as an example) use scientific terms like ferromagnetic, and drop names of random historical figures like Gwong Jan Lin, although I always questioned the broadness of his knowledge base on such subjects. ( i.e. ) It was more likely they simply made for more interesting verse than rhyming Rolex with Lexus, which doesn't even rhyme. One track on the album was called " Whatever ." It was about: whatever. Here is today's great moment in rap history: Freak on the mic, but not sexual Call me unalike cause my rhymes are never homo Make you sad, like when Cher left Sonny Bono Fire burn Giuliani, Pataki and Cuomo Let's break it down. Freak on the mic, but not sexua...

Subject: I am the one Cool. I've been looking for you? Hello there How are you doing? I am doing great, thanks for asking! I can already tell you are "the one" by your friendly opening greeting. The prophetic scrolls of Babylon say of The One that we "shall recognize him by his kindness and random capitalization." I enjoy most of your user profile. I'm sorry ... most ? What part of my user profile DON'T you like? Honestly I haven't updated that thing in years - there's a good chance I put something on there that I thought was funny and witty at the time, and am now embarrassed by. Actually I just checked and my Google+ (LOL) profile pic is me making a duck face while ironically wearing a Sugar Ray trucker hat, and one of my hobbies is "keeping it real." Yikes. I will edit my user profile to your liking, and then let's reassess our relationship. Are you interested to see my own personal photos? Ummm, sure, I guess? I ha...

We had somewhere to be 6 p.m. Saturday evening, so we couldn’t go to 5 p.m. Mass at our usual church. We would have to go to 4 o’clock Mass in the retirement community of Sun City. Usually when this happens, one of us will go to church alone and the other will stay home with the girls. It’s difficult enough to bring the girls to our church—in fact, we don’t even venture into the actual church, but sit in the adjacent chapel and listen to Mass through the speakers. The only time we go inside is when my parents or in-laws are in town and they say things like, “The chapel? Pfft. C’mon, let’s go inside. The girls will be fine, trust us, we’ll watch them,” and by the first reading they realize this was a TERRIBLE decision. But Sun City? Welp, Mass in Sun City is … considerably quieter. There are no babies crying, no bustling, no white noise than can otherwise mask the drone of whining and complaints and fighting that will inevitably emerge from our general vicinity. The parishioners who...

Subject: ABOUT MY SUBSCRIPTION IN YOUR WEBSITE This is either spam or an actual message from one of our senior citizen subscribers.    The Peoria Times Staff                        Dear friends,                                         It's a great pleasure to contact you through these lines. Still not sure. I learnt about you through the Merriam-Webster Website a few days ago. Oh yes, many people find us through the online dictionary website. You : How do you spell learnt? Merriam-Webster online : I don't know but maybe you'd like to subscribe to the Peoria Times community weekly newspaper? If you read newspapers you can leanrt how to spell good, and th...