Troops, trains, and automobiles

Some people think, mistakenly, that the best ways to support our troops include letters of appreciation, prayers, volunteering, fostering pets, physical donations of supplies and care packages, legislation that provides veterans the services they need, thank yous and handshakes, and other things that are actual and real. HOWEVER, in my opinion, the best way to support our troops—especially around the holidays, when the sacrifices made by our servicemen and servicewomen are at the forefront of our national consciousness—is to symbolically move something on wheels via your Facebook page or whatever.

Listen, I know this sounds vague and confusing, but it’s actually specific and simple. In fact, here are three definitive and very real ways to support our troops this holiday season.

1)

Yeah so like, just keep this thing moving. How? I mean, I think you can just “like” it, or share it or something. Then your state is automatically registered as a state that supports the troops I guess? I don’t know. WHATEVER THE CASE, the troops will see this train chugging along on social media and be like, “Wow, they really care. I feel the support in my heart. Because of the train. Does this train have supplies?" (It does not.)

2)

It’s very important that you keep the car moving as well as the train. If the troops only see the train, they will be like, “But where is the car? This support is insufficient.” Also we have to keep this car moving until Christmas, at which point we can take a quick breather from all this support, which honestly is exhausting. Until late January, of course, when we will share out the Valentine’s Day submarine for the troops. (By the way:)

Speaking of other holidays, I hope none of you missed the third most important way to support our troops:


3)

Yes, the famous pumpkin tractor trailer, a.k.a. the Pumpki-Tractor for Troops, which is similarly bereft of supplies save for the fact that it is a giant pumpkin that I'm unsure is edible. As is the tradition, we should be finding out sometime later this month if the Pumpki-Tractor ever made it to its final destination—the Facebook timeline of every Aunt Margaret in America. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I have done my part by sharing all of this on my blog, which counts. But what have you done? If for some reason you don’t think this type of non-tangible and bizarre support is enough, and actually want to send a care package to our troops, you can learn more here.

In all sincerity, thank you to our servicewomen and servicemen, and on behalf of rationale people everywhere, my apologies for these super-weird and meaningless memes which childishly trivialize everything you're doing. Our bad!