Spam email of the week

Subject: Hello

This email is about hello.

Hello ,

The subject did not lie.

My name is Mr Micheal Asomba,

That’s crazy—my name is ALSO Michael! Only difference is I spell my name correctly.

I am the branch manager of the International Commercial Bank (ICB) Kumasi branch Ghana.

I've heard the Kumasi branch Ghana of the ICB has the best customer service, so my hat is off to you, sir. #Kumasibranch #customerservice

I got your information during my search through the Internet.

This delights me and doesn’t cause me any concern and I can tell your intentions are pure. Let’s get married.

I am married,

Forget what I said earlier. #awkward

it may interest you to hear that I am a Man of peace and I don't want problem,

This interests me greatly. I find it extremely interesting that you are a self-proclaimed man of peace who doesn’t want problem. The word interesting was invented for information like this, because it’s interesting. #interesting

but I do not know how you will feel about this because you may have double mind.

I don’t know who told you about my double mind—DAMN YOU INTERNET—but I will not let it affect our relationship or my confidence in the fact that you are a man of peace who doesn’t want problem. I do not want problem either.

I want problem.

SHUT UP SECOND MIND!

Ignore that. Go on.

But I am telling you that this is real deal

Few things inspire a greater sense of assuredness than being told that something is the real deal. I feel like if the Bible had a foreword that was just like, “Guys, this is the real deal,” there wouldn’t be so many unbelievers. I mean, it rhymes, so it must be true. #realdeal

and you are not going to regret after doing this transaction with me. I only hope that we can assist each other. But if you don't want this business offer kindly forget it and I will not contact you again and don't reply it, BUT IF YOU WANT REPLY ME .

At any point in this email are you going to tell me what the hell is happening?

I have packaged a financial transaction that will benefit both of US, as the regional manager of the International Commercial Bank,

My double mind almost forgot you are the manager. You have earned my trust.

it is my duty to send in a financial report to my head office in the capital city (Accra-Ghana) at the end of each year. I discovered that my branch in which I am the manager

Wait, you’re the manager? Nice.

made five million, five hundred thousand dollar [$5, 500.000.00] which my head office is not aware of it and will never be aware of it. I have since then place this fund on what we call SUSPENSE ACCOUNT without any beneficiary. As an official of the bank I cannot be directly connected to this fund, so this informed me of contacting you for us to work, so that you can assist and receive this fund into your bank account for US to SHARE.

This is the second time you’ve capitalized "US", and I am unsure if you want me to share this money with you or the rest of my country. I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Mean While

Definitely two words. Are you sure you’re the manager?

you will have 40% of the total fund, Note there are practically no risk involved,

I have made that note right here in my notes. I emphasized “practically” with italicization and quotes and ALL CAPS and bold and underlined and a winky face.

 it will be bank to bank transfer,

Sounds to me like a case of … (takes off sunglasses) … bank on bank crime.

all I need from you is to stand claim as the original depositor of this fund who made the deposit with our branch so that my Head office can order the transfer to your designated bank account in your Country.

OK I will stand here until something happens. Can I use the bathr—

If you accept this offer to work with me, I will appreciate it very much.

Welp, that’s a good enough reason for me. LET’S DO THIS.

As soon as I receive your response, I will give you details on how we can achieve it successfully.

The subject of this email is “Hello,” but honestly? It’s a little bit more involved than that.