Spam email of the week

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Subject: URGENT ATTENTION:!!!

You’ve got mine:!!!

From: "Mr Jan Eliasson"<adm@gerlein.com.co>

You know you're spammy when even the “From” is doing air quotes.

My name is Mr Jan Eliasson, I am a crime fighter

Sure, why not.

and Deputy Secretary-General of the United Nations. I was mandated to come to Nigeria-Africa to investigate frauds that are being committed here in Nigeria at intervals.

President of UN: Frauds are being committed in Nigeria at intervals:!!! Who is our best internal crime fighter?

Mr. Jan Eliasson: That would be me, sir … (frantically tries to Velcro cape to back of suit, puts on plastic Halloween Batman mask)

President of UN: Geez. Alright, well, I mandate you to go to Nigeria-Africa to investigate!

Mr. Jan Eliasson: You got it, Commissioner Gordon!

President of UN: My name is Stephen.

Mr. Jan Eliasson: You said Nigeria-Africa, right? Not Nigeria-Canada? Just don’t want to make that mistake again.

President of UN: (face palms)

"I am very honoured to be invited to eradicate fraud completely in Africa which I have vowed to do without any fear or favour," but it baffles me to discover

Pretty sure Mr. Jan Eliasson just quoted himself without credit.

 that your impending funds from Africa, which was intercepted,has not been released to you till this moment

You think YOU’RE baffled, Mr. Jan Eliasson? I’ve been waiting for my funds to be released from Nigeria-Africa since 2013. When I found out they *was* intercepted by Evil Darrelle Revis I was hella pissed, and hoped the United Nations would assign a crime fighter to solve this. So you can imagine my relief.

We have managed to apprehend some scam syndicates who made some confessional statements and indited Ex-Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria(Professor Charles Soludo and his successor Dr.Lamido Sanusi.

Scam Syndicates is officially the name of my new band and/or fantasy team. Also, if I may, I just want to recap this very real and important email:

A UN crime fighter with a woman’s name went to Nigeria to fight evil and has since apprehended several members of a scam syndicate, which include a professor named Charles and his understudy, Lamido. They have since been indited, which is something I am unfamiliar with but I assume means killed.

They have confessed how they have impersonated the names of some UN Executive members like MR BAN KI-MOON

Me: (picks up phone) Hello?

Person: Oh yes hi I uh … have a lot of money for you from Nigeria or whatever.

Me: Sounds great. Heeeeeyyy … is this Doctor Lamido Sanusi?

Person: What? No, this is MR. BAN KI-MOON.

Me: The famous UN executive member?

Person: Yes.

Me: This is the greatest day of my life.

the irregularities in foreign payment files intentionally masterminded by these scammers and urgently called the attention of the World Bank President and Mr. Bank Ki-Moon and they both came to a resolution that the Federal Government of Nigeria must pay a total amount of $10.5M to each of the people whose names were found in the list till this irregularity has been corrected.

Seems fair.

NOTE: On no account must you be requested to pay any fee by any Bank or individual in Nigeria. The only fee you must pay to receive your fund which covers every other fee is  a UN POLICE FUND CLEARANCE REPORT FEE OF $225.

Pfft. Paying the UN POLICE FUND CLEARANCE REPORT FEE is basically like paying shipping. I’m used to it. But I’m kind of scared that the fee won’t arrive safely. Is that normal?

Do not be afraid for the fee

OK. Thanks.