So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

IT’S WEDNESDAY EVERYONE (IT’S NOT) YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TIME TO PLOW THE TULIP CROPS THE TULIP CROPS NEED TWO SUNS, A REAL SUN AND A SUN WITH A FACE PLUS THREE SUNFLOWERS, SO LIKE FIVE SUNS ALSO ARIEL FROM THE LITTLE MERMAID, WHY NOT, SHE LIKES WEDNESDAY TOO THROW A BUTTERFLY ON THERE, WHAT THE HELL, BUTTERFLIES ARE GOOD ALL OF THESE FORCES COMBINE TO MAKE WEDNESDAY NICE FEEL LIKE MAYBE THIS MEME IS NOT EFFEMINATE ENOUGH, WHERE IS BARBIE AND THOSE TWO GIRLS FROM ELLEN? I THINK I JUST GOT MENOPAUSE WHO IS HAVING A NICE WEDNESDAY AS A RESULT OF THESE IMAGES BESIDES ME HOPE YOU GET SOME SLEEP MARIE LOL MY BAD FOR CUTTING YOU OFF, SUDHI CHAI COFFEE POSITIVE, BUT NO DOUBT – FLOWERS BREATHING IN AND OUT EACH DAY IS DOPE HAVE A NICE WEDNESDAY EVERYBODY

Subject: Hello This email is about hello. Hello , The subject did not lie. My name is Mr Micheal Asomba, That’s crazy—my name is ALSO Michael! Only difference is I spell my name correctly. I am the branch manager of the International Commercial Bank (ICB) Kumasi branch Ghana. I've heard the Kumasi branch Ghana of the ICB has the best customer service, so my hat is off to you, sir. #Kumasibranch #customerservice I got your information during my search through the Internet. This delights me and doesn’t cause me any concern and I can tell your intentions are pure. Let’s get married. I am married, Forget what I said earlier. #awkward it may interest you to hear that I am a Man of peace and I don't want problem, This interests me greatly. I find it extremely interesting that you are a self-proclaimed man of peace who doesn’t want problem. The word interesting was invented for information like this, because it’s interesting. #inte...

It was our daughter’s birthday and she needed to bring something in for her class to celebrate.  We decided on organic strawberries because guess what? We are THOSE parents and these kids need some reprieve from the steady “it’s someone’s birthday” diet of Munchkins and cheese sticks. It’s her effin’ birthday and we’re riding the organic fruit train today, OK kids? Deal with it. I could tell my wife was stressed the night before, getting everything ready for the big day, so I offered to wash the strawberries. (I had heard somewhere that strawberries are like the dirtiest fruit around because of all the nooks and crannies, but until there’s a documentary about it, I need to go about my life as if nothing’s changed.) And I did—a nice, clean, good ol’ fashioned strawberry washin’. I was so caught up in my good husband-ing that I asked if I should cut the strawberries, too. My wife said not to, but I interpreted this as sympathy, like, “Awww, you don’t have to go that far—the wa...

Subject: Attn: MOST IMPORTANT EMAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll be the judge of that! I once received an email about a freakin’ bomb blaster , so this is gonna have to be pretty dang important. From:   sematco@sematco.net Oh snap this IS important. Sematco is the emailer so nice, they named him twice.   Greetings,   Your urgent Partnership is required. The urgency of my impending partnership is best represented by the capitalization of Partnership, which according to AP Style Sematco, is a word that should definitely be capitalized sometimes.   I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a relationship What ? Pfft. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sematco. This isn’t weird. Some of my best friends emailed me to inform me that my partnership was required. I mean, how do you think my wife woo’d me … with her physical beauty and caring soul? Nah—she cold emailed a playa, son. but I believe knowing each other start...

During a family trip to the Pacific Northwest, we went to the Oregon coast to see Haystack Rock. Located on Cannon Beach, Haystack Rock is the giant boulder from which the pirate ship emerges in the classic movie, The Goonies . It was a sight to see on its own, but I almost broke down in tears from nostalgia. I wanted to BE Sean Astin for about two years after seeing Goonies for the first time, and within that span I watched Goonies about 25 more times. As usual, the girls were unimpressed. For some reason, “Hey kids—look at that rock. It’s from a movie you’ve never seen” failed to wow them. This disappointment, combined with the heavy weight of nostalgia, formed a great decision inside of my brain: That’s it. We’re getting Goonies . The girls are watching Goonies . My wife was skeptical, mainly because the movie—she was a huge fan as well—was a little bit scary as a kid. I agreed, but argued that our oldest loves being scared —seriously, she is disappointed in movies that ...

--> Subject:   URGENT ATTENTION:!!! You’ve got mine:!!! From:  "Mr Jan Eliasson"< adm@gerlein.com.co > You know you're spammy when even the “From” is doing air quotes. My name is Mr Jan Eliasson, I am a crime fighter Sure, why not. and Deputy Secretary-General of the United Nations. I was mandated to come to Nigeria-Africa to investigate frauds that are being committed here in Nigeria at intervals. President of UN : Frauds are being committed in Nigeria at intervals:!!! Who is our best internal crime fighter? Mr. Jan Eliasson : That would be me, sir … (frantically tries to Velcro cape to back of suit, puts on plastic Halloween Batman mask) President of UN : Geez. Alright, well, I mandate you to go to Nigeria-Africa to investigate! Mr. Jan Eliasson : You got it, Commissioner Gordon! President of UN : My name is Stephen. Mr. Jan Eliasson : You said Nigeria-Africa, right? Not Nigeria-Canada? Just don’t want to ...

Subject: Re:: Reminder:: Good News ("AS YOU WISH")  This email is regarding a reminder about good news. And I must do with it as I wish, which is write about it for my blog. From: "Mark Ubadi (ATM CARD DELIVERY EXPERT) Mark Ubadi at Safeway : I didn’t spend eight years at ATM card school for YOU to tell ME which way to swipe! Cashier : But it’s upside do- Mark Ubadi : GET ME THE MANAGER. We have concluded arrangements for your ATM CARD worth $10.5 Million to be released to you Immediately.  It’s about time my $10.5 million pre-paid ATM card was released. Here I am burning through a line of credit like some kind of peasant asshole. (“Immediately” with a capital “I” is faster than Jimmy Johns, FYI.) There has been an order from above to release all the packages God : RELEASE THE KRACKEN! … … … … j/k I mean ALL THE PACKAGES! that are being held after the beneficiary of the package comply with the instructions that will facilitate the delivery of the pack...

Good Day, Consider my letter as a breakthrough and lets work to actualise it. This letter (not a letter) is a breakthrough in the same way that a picture of a unicorn is a breakthrough. The joke there is that a unicorn, like everything contained in this letter (not a letter) isn’t real. Nevertheless, yes—let’s work to actualize it. The unicorn, I mean. (draws picture of a unicorn)   (unicorn jumps off page, winks at me and flies away) There. Awesome. Are we done? I was just leafing through the profiles of some names in the Internet before I came through your Contact information.  Seems like a legit way to spend time and an equally legit result. HO HUM WHAT TO DO LET’S LEAF THROUGH SOME PROFILE NAMES ON THE INTERNET JUST GONNA TYPE IN WWW.PROFILENAMES.COM AND LEAF THROUGH MY COMPUTER LIKE PAPER THERE’S A NEAT NAME MAYBE HE WANTS TO EMBARK ON A CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS VENTURE WITH ME I am Mr. Mrs. Stella Marine  This is you trying on names: Dr. Phd. Pippy N...

Subject: Snoop Dogg Dry Herb Vaporizer -----USD7.9/set From: Joyce Wang [kteresacig@163.com] CAN'T TALK NOW - MY HOMEGIRL JOYCE WANG JUST EMAILED ME ABOUT SNOOP DOGG'S DRY HERB VAPORIZER Hello friend, HELLO JOYCE WANG, BFF how are you? I AM GOOD, JOYCE WANG hope your everything goes well! THANKS, JOYCE WANG. HOPE YOUR EVERYTHING GOES WELL, TOO. YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING, SO IF YOUR EVERYTHING GOES WELL THEN MY EVERYTHING GOES WELL. great new!!!! IT WAS WORTH SACRIFICING THE "S" FOR THE FOURTH EXCLAMATION POINT. "LEAVE OFF THE LAST 'S' FOR SNOOP DOGG" IS YOUR NEW MOTTO. YOU'RE WELCOME, JOYCE WANG. Snoop Dogg Dry Herb Vaporizer -----USD7.9/set AMERICAN SUCCESS FORMULA NO. 7655: BE A GANGSTA RAPPER > MAYBE KILL A GUY > BECOME AN ACCEPTED POP CULTURE ICON DESPITE/BECAUSE OF A LONG AND STORIED HISTORY OF PROMOTING MISOGYNY, VIOLENCE, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL > ROAST JUSTIN BEIBER > RELEASE A LINE OF HERB VAPORIZERS > DIE A HE...