How Sex Works, part IV

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Read parts I, II and III for very important background information.

We left off with crazy and charismatic 17-year-year-old Charlie falling off the bed while trying multiple sex positions. Let’s see if Polly can one-up him in this very important book called, “Embarrassing Teenage Sex Stories” …

The first time I tried to put my diaphragm in, it slipped out of my fingers, flew across the room, and bounced off the wall. We just couldn’t stop laughing, and it really helped me relax. – Polly, 17 years 

Thanks, 17-year-old Polly! Hopefully, your diaphragm story will help a 15- or 16-year-old learn to relax before sex. Just launch a contraceptive across the room, laugh, take a deep breath, and dive right in. Minus 1

Neither here nor there, but if you showed me Polly’s picture sans a name and I had to guess Polly’s name, my guess would definitely be: Polly. 

Yo, nice Cosby baby sweater, BABY. Don’t you know Cosby isn’t chill anymore? And it’s super insensitive to bring him up considering the nature of this book. Man, I’m embarrassed FOR you, baby. Minus 3

I’ve heard that if you shake up a bottle of warm cola or any carbonated drink, and squirt it up into your vagina after you have sex, it will stop you from getting pregnant because it washes all the sperm back out. Is that true? – Lucy, 15 years

What. The. Hell.

First of all, shaken-up cola urban legends begin and end with combining one with Pop Fizz and exploding internally. Secondly, LUCY, nothing kills the romanticism of love-making more than interrupting the post-sex cuddling to squirt some Pepsi into your vagina. I mean, I understand you’re 15 and might lack the maturity to view sex as something more than a physical act, but c’mon.

For real though, we got Charlie falling off the bed, Polly flinging diaphragms around like Elaine Benes, and Lucy squirting cola into her hoo-ha … this is like The Lord of the Flies of teenage sex. Minus 1

You look super comfortable holding that baby, frizzy-haired woman on her work lunch break. You’re a natural! Plus 1

Once the baby is born, many girls find that they can cope as well as women twice their age, and enjoy motherhood.

I’m sorry—have we reached the point where the book is outright promoting teenage pregnancy? You might be unsure about getting pregnant because you’re, ya’ know, 16, but trust us—once the baby is born, all will be well! In fact, it’s easy. Just put on some tights, a mini skirt, and some flats (you want to be comfortable!), kneel down awkwardly and hold the thing until it falls asleep or whatever.

We’re off the see the Wizaaard, the wonderful Wizard of Allentown, Pennsylvannia. Plus 2

My boyfriend’s always been a bit wild. I would really like to have a baby with him. Do you think it would settle him down? – Angela, 17 years

Totes. Best idea I’ve heard all day. Nothing settles down a wild teenager (btw, is your boyfriend a horse?) better than being burdened with the responsibility of caring for a precious life forever and ever. And nothing is better for the baby than being born into a world where his/her father is either a horse or a human who can no longer TURN DOWN FOR WHAT because he/she now exists. WIN-WIN. Let’s see what Liz and Dick have to say:

It’s just as likely to make him leave.
 

Pfft.

Have a baby to when your relationship works, not to make it work.

More sound advice for the 17-year-old demographic. Have a baby when you’re in a more stable relationship. Even if it means waiting until you’re 18.

Liz and Dick are the best. Plus 1