So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

I scoffed at the notion of allergies before moving here. SCOFFED, I tell you! It just seemed so vague to me. “Oh, my allergies are really acting up.” What does that even mean? I’m sorry these beautiful flowers are somehow making you feel less than 100 percent, but maybe there are bigger problems in this world than your fragile immune system. WELL GUESS WHAT? I take it all back. Two things about the Valley I will never, ever, ever understand are a) its bizarre predisposition for allowing rocks to hit your windshield on the highway and b) the havoc it wreaks on the bodies of people who have experienced zero problems in their decades of existence in other locales. I seriously don’t even know where it comes from. People talk about the pollen count, and I’m like, pollen from what ? Everything is a cactus or a dumb bush. I have to drive three blocks to see real grass in my neighborhood, yet I experience a violent, 10-minute sneeze attack every morning that thoroughly annoys...

I WANNA HELP SICK PEOPLE BUT WHO IS GOING TO PAY ME FOR IT? I AIN'T MOTHER TERESA OH COOL KONSTANTIN POPOV IS GONNA PAY ME TO HELP SICK PEOPLE KONSTANTIN POPOV IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION I AM CITRUS PARK OF PRONTO WASH PLEASE NOBODY TELL KONSTANTIN POPOV THAT I AM NOT CITRUS PARK OF PRONTO WASH BECAUSE I WANT TO GET PAID FOR HELPING SICK PEOPLE THANK YOU OUR LITTLE SECRET I GUESS NOW I'LL JUST FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS AND BE ON MY WAY TO SICK PEOPLE LAND HANG IN THERE SICK PEOPLE - IMMA COMIN' FOR THAT $$$$ THERE ARE NO INSTRUCTIONS

Subject: AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY. I don’t know a lot about investing but this email seems nice. Dear Friend, See? AN INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY. Got it. I hope this email finds you in good health. I m Dr. Donald Adams, originally from Fiji Islands, Oh thanks for clarifying. For a hot second there I thought you were Dr. Donald Adams of Afghanistan, the famous expert doctor of medicine. but I am presently in Afghanistan as an expert doctor of medicine. Afghan person : Help, this man is having a heart attack! Is there an expert doctor of medicine anywhere? Doctor : I am a doctor. Afghan person : An expert doctor of medicine? Doctor : I am … but a neurosurgeon. (hangs head in shame) Afghan : DAMMIT THIS IS SERIOUS. On the 12Th of April 2014 my wife and I were approached by a British Soldier, Warrant Officer Faulkner Spencer, who handed a box full of cash totaling TWENTY-TWO MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY...

Subject: PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL, Comma = CLIFFHANGER My name is Barrister Daniel Gidado ESQ. I would like to present to you a Business Proposition for your consideration. Unsolicited business propositions are kind of my thing. Spit your game, son. I hold on Trusts the sum of $128,000,000.00 that belongs to my late client. RIP your client. He hustled till he died. Now he dead. (That was my eulogy; I drop the mic at the end and break down in tears.) The aforementioned funds were blocked in my Trusts Account pending when a Beneficiary will be appointed by me to claim the said funds as contained in the Trusts Agreement. I have a feeling you’re going to tell me this dude who was worth $128 million had no friends or family, which makes sense because people hate being around money. I am ready to appoint you Here we go. as the Beneficiary cum Investor Whoa hold up. Is this a fertility clinic or somethin’? Because I don’t think mine works and I just- of the aforesaid funds herein provided ...

During a phone conversation with my dad, he mentioned that he and my mom had sent my wife a gift for her birthday. Did we get it? “I don’t think so,” I said. “I got the mail yesterday and there was nothing from you guys … and nothing at the front door either.” “Well, they said it should have arrived yesterday,” he said. (Note that “they” are my dad’s No. 1 news source. I don’t know who “they” are, but my dad trusts them even though their information is iffy. Last year my dad claimed that “they” had discovered that tilapia is not an actual fish, but a manufactured combination of fish parts, like a fish hot dog.) “You know how they are with those things.” Indeed, even considering how little I know about “they,” I do know how they are with these things (liars). Anyway, that was how we ended our conversation, with me telling him that I’d get in touch to let them know when she got the gift, which I totally would have forgotten to do if given the chance. In fact, I compl...

Subject: Message on hold This message is on hold. Except it’s here because here it is.  Hello,    I do not know if you remember me, we had a discussion some time ago about your situation. Ah yes, my in-depth conversation with a nameless stranger about my, ahem, situation . Of course I remember you! You were the guy who I gave my email address to and said, “Yo, rando—email me if you have any visions, aiiiiight? It’s been real.” And then I pretended to pay the tab but I didn’t LOL. Is that what this is about? Can you imagine...tonight I had a vision about you, a vision in which you were the star! OMG ... ME? Really ? A star? In some wack-job’s vision? Hold up … (adds this new information to resume under subcategory of “Star Quality”) … OK, so … did I dunk from the foul line? Please tell me I dunked from the foul line. I’ll admit, this really intrigued me. You don’t say? Having a vision intrigued you? Ha ha this is you: You : (has ...

Subject: REQUEST TO ADD BANGLADESHI TOUR PACKAGE TO YOUR WEBSITE. Request: ACCEPTED. It’s like, who doesn’t want to escape to Bangladesh after reading about a Phoenix metro area school board meeting? Dear Sir/Madam, REQUEST TO ADD GENDER TO YOUR EMAIL Welcome To Bangladesh!!!!! Thank you!!!!! IT’S BEAUTIFUL HERE. It is our great pleasure to introduce Mam Holidays Bangladesh and our variety of travel products and services that we offer in Bangladesh. Are we talking about Bangladesh? It is not clear. Oh, and is this part of the Mam Holidays travel series? If so, COUNT ME IN. I did a Mam Holidays Key West excursion with some co-workers in 2006 and it was off the hook, yo. Let’s just say I’m no longer allowed on the Mam Holidays Key West Booze Cruise. With over 10 years of personal experience in serving the individual and group travelers, we have the expertise in all kinds of leisure and adventure tour operations that include Sightseeing i...

There we were, my wife and I, sitting on the couch trying to watch a DVR’d episode of Downton Abbey, capping off yet another wild Saturday night (church, Pita Jungle), when we heard ruckus from outside. We should not have been surprised. When we had pulled into our neighborhood an hour or so earlier, our street was flooded with cars, and there were kids on top of many of the cars and they were doing teenager-type things, like being dumb jerks. We drove by slowly to let them know what’s up, “what’s up” being that we had to get home to put our kids to bed and watch a PBS British drama. Anyway, they were on notice. (They were not.) Our small dog, still woozy from the anesthesia of having a tooth removed earlier that day, was on my lap when we heard the noises coming from outside our front door. I unconsciously carried him outside with me when we went to see what was happening. What was happening when we opened our front door was that kids were scattering all over the neighbor...

Subject: AMERICAN FIRST CREDIT UNION NOTIFICATION Never heard of ‘em. BUT, as an adult human who has no idea at which institutions he has invested his money, maybe I should listen. Attention: Beneficiary, We have moved your funds down to the United State  of America First Credit Union. Standard operating procedure. Foreign bank moves all my money, without my consent, to an American bank—and in doing so, identifies America as having one state—and notifies me by email. With this, you can easily receive the funds without any more hindrance or delays. To be honest, it WAS becoming a hindrance to have to travel all the way to Africa to use their ATMs so I could withdraw $20 to buy a soft pretzel. It’s a wonder I put my money there in the first place. Oh well, it all worked out in the end regardless. The government here is having some defaults in their management and they are not granting a direct transfer from here because the fund is high and the amount ...

Subject: YOUR FULL SERVICE NEEDED FOR BDAY Birthday services are just another thing we offer here at the weekly, community newspapers I work for. Is your birthday theme “school districts” or “council meetings?” Because we have paper plates for both. Also, I am a stripper. Hello am Juliet I need Your Event planning service for my Mother 70th Birthday I’ve already purchased a hilarious card about how your mom is over the hill and also an old fart and there is a butt on the card that farts when you open it and the fart smells like old people. It’s gonna be great. Is your mom allergic to nitrogen dioxide? coming up on the 17th of March, Damn, Juliet—can you give a playa some advanced notice? I mean, believe me, we’ve put together lavish birthday parties for mothers on shorter notice in the past here at these newspapers, but it’s like … c’mon. am making it a confidential Surprise Birthday for her and the Family am her only Child... Hold on I’m writing this d...

For Lent this year, in addition to giving something up, I decided to, as instructed in the gospels (Luke?), “step up my spiritual game.” I wanted to pray better. To be more specific, I wanted to meditate. Everybody talks about meditating and how uplifting and spiritually cleansing it is, and I’ve always wanted to try it. Well, truth be told, I have sort of tried it in the past, to no avail. I have learned that I am a seriously distracted person who cannot focus. That, or I fall asleep. I’ll be thanking God for various blessings and before I know it, I am riding a unicorn on top of my Aunt Dottie’s old house in New Jersey. Even within places designed for prayer, I struggle to stay on task. Although we try to go every week, only about 2 percent of the time can I walk out of Mass and actually say, “I got something out of that.” Most of the time I am in la-la land or attempting to harshly whisper, “GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.” Or in the bathroom with a child whose bowel mo...

Subject: Details of Our Investigation (Read And Understand The Truth About Your Fund)!!! The air of legitimacy is invisible, but if you could see it, it would be three clouds forming exclamation points. ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (E.F.C.C) Internet Advance Fee Fraud/Fraud Alert Department That is definitely a thing. But just to be sure, you guys got a reference? Our Ref: EFCC/NG/FG/2015 Say word. What about a motto? All good crime divisions have a motto. Motto: No Body Is Above The Law. That motto is [sic]. All Security Agencies.   Attention!!! I am not a security agency. I am Mike. Should I still pay at- Respectively, this is to inform you personally that after thorough Investigations reviewed of your transaction records, your funds transfer release documents by the Federal Intelligence of the Economic Financial Crime Commission {E.F.C.C} of the West African Region in conjunction with the Department of the Homeland Secur...

Subject: From The U.S Department Of Homeland Security. Oh snap. Or Missouri. Whatever. Point is, the seal makes it official. Good Day To You, I hope this email finds you in good spirit and in good health? You are good at differentiating questions from statements, Secretary of U.S. Department of Homeland Security Supp. Shullman Napolitano. because i am quite aware of your losses in the past years now through this security office intelligent track devices, it may surprise you that i am also aware of your Consignment Boxes Pursuit In Benin, Ghana, Togo, Nigeria, Spain, France, Malaysia, Indonesia, China, Korea and etc . Welp, the jig is up. You know about my worldwide box pursuit. I am chasing box everywhere. What can I say? I got consignment boxes in different area codes. I do not intend to spoil your day or to put you under duress. This bonkers-ass nonsense email is literally 1,600-plus words, so you bet your box I am under duress. When...

Our development had a community garage sale this past fall. For the first time in the seven-plus years we’ve lived here, my wife and I finally decided to participate. It did not go well. We sold a step stool and some kids DVDs, and we realized a few weeks later we could have used the step stool. That was it. Near the end of the allotted garage sale time, it was a cool, very fall-like 99 degrees, and I sweat as I lugged everything back inside, the loose change I had received for “Veggie Tales: Lord of the Beans” jingling in my pocket. We had stored everything in our guest bedroom, but with a slew of guests on the horizon, my wife thought I should try to sell some of the items individually on our community garage sale Facebook page. I was already very upset at our community for not buying our very nice items in person, but I had few other options. Spite does not lead to sales, as they say. Probably. You may or may not recall that I successfully sold a workout power tower...