Spam email of the week

Subject: Is it safe to transact business with you on this email?

I feel like I am on an episode of 24. Is it safe? WHO KNOWS. Mad peeps been trying to take me down for years, so there’s no telling who’s watching me. I am a very important man who was trained by the C.I.A. to do cool stuff, but then they turned on me and left me for dead. At first I couldn’t remember anything, but it’s slowly coming back to me, and my karate skills are second nature, so I’ve been beating up lots of dudes for no apparent reason. Anyway, hold up – let me reconfigure my email settings to make sure this is safe …

(sets junk email filter to “high”)

(tries to download firewall)

PETE’S FIREWALL IS $29.99 PER MONTH, PLEASE CLICK ‘I AGREE’ TO TERMS OF USE

What? Pfft. Screw that. ‘Bout to go offline on this bee-otch ...

(clicks “go offline”)

WEB ERROR: PLEASE CHECK YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION

Freakin’ Big Brother. Hold up.

(logs out of Facebook)

Aiiight, we should be safe now. What’s poppin’?

{Chi Wang Chan} y4593-chiwangchan8@yahoo.com

I have a project of $48.8 M I wish to introduce to you.

Oh word? I am very good with $48.8 million projects. It is obvious I can be trusted with a project of this nature. Also, why is this a secret? Do I have to kill someone? I’d rather not do that but okay I’ll do it. Please give me the details of this project and who needs to be killed with my karate.

---

Chi

Oh that’s the end of the email? Your initial concerns about the safety of this correspondence led me to believe your email would have more details. But okay, guess I can figure things out from here, Chi Wang Chan. Think I’ll just … build that energy-efficient library? Yes? No? Say nothing if I am on the right track. 

(goes to Home Depot, brings millions of dollars of building materials to register)

Yeah, uh, you can put this on Chi Wang Chan’s account. That’s C … H ...

Home Depot worker: Please leave.

GUESS I’LL GO TELL ALL THE LITTLE KIDS THIS AIN’T HAPPENING!