So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: See what Guyer Wildcats Football has to say! About what ? What is this? Okay! Hi Mike, Hi … you . I just wanted to quickly follow up on my last email You are a *** **** liar. But please, go on. as I  truly believe that Sport Ngin has the tools Sport Nggbnnv? Cool name! Vowels are the worst. I hate when people are all like, “Oh I’m going to spell this correctly so it sounds like a professional company and not a license plate … ahem … ‘Sport Engine, LLC’ … derp derp derp I use proper punctuation in text messages derp snerp.” Pfft. Actually, may I make a suggestion? How about: ULTIMATE X-treme Sport Ngin 4 kidz 2 da MAX? That way you can teach people sports AND proper grmr. that can make life easier for you and your program. What is my program? I have a program? I know that hearing about a product from the mouth of the company is never that exciting It’s true that when companies, which have mouths, talk about their produ...

We’re approaching a year since our younger daughter, now 3, arrived to us via foster care. She is pretty much as sweet and kindhearted as they come, and everyone who crosses her path instantly falls in love with her, just as we did 12 months ago. When we were going through the whole process, we were told she had none of the issues typically associated with foster kids. She didn’t hoard, fight, wasn’t defiant, and was meeting all the developmental markers of typical kids. Everyone, including us, seemed equally pleased and shocked by this. Okay, maybe skeptical is a better word than shocked, as far as we were concerned. It might be a stretch to say we’re seasoned veterans of the foster care process, but our experience combined with my wife’s therapy background kept us on the lookout. The food issue was apparent from the beginning. Long story short, our daughter, a victim of neglect as a baby and never sure if or when her next meal would come, obsesses over food. We’re aw...

THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP GARFIELD YO GARFIELD HERE IS SOME LASAGNA. MAD RESPECT, SON /Garfield rocks my world/ WOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED SO THIS IS BLISS … YO GARFIELD I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE IT’S NOT YOU IT’S ME I’M NOT A CAT I JUST NEED SOME SPACE /Garfield posts selfie to Instagram of him sitting on Harry Styles’ lap/ YO GARFIELD WHAT THE HECK TWO CAN PLAY THIS GAME, SON /knocks on ex’s door, Garfield answers/ DANG YOU, GARFIELD! NEVER SHOULD HAVE DISRESPECTED YOU LIKE THAT

Hi, everyone. I wrote an essay about our daughter that has been published in the book Dads of Disability: Stories for, by, and about fathers of children who experience disability (and the women who love them!). The essay itself is a reworked, more cohesive, and edited version of the three-part essay that appeared on this blog a while back. It’s called “The Girl with the Trauma Tattoo,” and comprises chapter five. The book as a whole is an amazing collection of essays and poems by and about dads, most of whom experience much more dramatic daily challenges than me, and who are just incredible people. Dads of Disability is available on Kindle and Nook now, and will be released in paperback April 15. You can follow the book's progress via its Facebook page here . I couldn’t more highly recommend this book—regardless of my essay’s inclusion in it—for people facing similar struggles, or for those interested in the everyday hardships and triumphs of raising a child wit...

From: Grand Prix Europe 2014 Cool! I am good at cars. Especially European cars. Subject: Last places available for Barcelona Dance Award! There are still some places at your disposal to participate in the Ultimate International Dance Competition 2014 Easter SpringSeason in Spain! All Division,  Any Level Welcome! Oh, the Grand Prix Europe is a dance thing? I am even better at dance than I am at cars. But not nearly as good as this email is at subject headers. Me : Babe, hey—gonna head over to Spain to enter the Ultimate International Dance Competition 2014 Easter Spring Season, so I won’t be home for Easter. And also spring. And also ever if I win. Wife : What are you even talking about? Me : STOP TRYING TO STIFLE MY LOVE OF DANCE, dag! This thing is Ultimate, babe. Besides, any level is welcome! I am going to enter this dance: (tries to do Kid n’ Play leg dance with wife; move is not reciprocated) You’re just jealous you didn’t get invited. April ...

I’ve heard that people tend to mellow as they grow older. I feel like I am doing the opposite of that. I am bellowing. I’ve always been perceived, I think, as a relatively calm person. My in-laws, for example, who are Italian, have always thought of me as laid back, and seem to be in a perpetual state of apology that I am forced to endure the tempestuous nature of their family in general, their daughter specifically. Whether or not I was ever truly laid back, I do not feel that way now. There is a high-tide of emotion within me that does not seem to be subsiding, and that gets released thanks to the most minor of things. The circumstances that have caused this—again, assuming I wasn’t always like this—could likely be traced to two young girls who, when they are not destroying everything in their path, affectionately call me Dad. Or, who knows—maybe it’s the result of a slow, imperceptible Italianization of the soul that has happened over time.  I can’t blame other peop...

Subject: Good new: Re: Here comes Here comes WHAT? What is the good new? Hey friend, Hey Internet robot! I find a website the stuffs are fairly good and lead a a prevailing market price. This sounds amazing, yes, but also familiar … (turns on TV, accesses DVR, scrolls down to recent Charlie Rose episode, hits play) Charlie Rose : We’re here today with professional businessperson and Internet stalwart, Robbie Finderson. Robbie, thanks for dropping by today. Robbie Finderson : Thanks for having me, Charlie. Rose : Robbie, you’re on the Internet all the time. Tell us – what did you find? Finderson : I find a website Rose : And what was on the website? Was it good? Finderson : the stuffs are fairly good Rose : Outstanding. Talk about market price. Finderson : and lead a a (takes drink of water) prevailing market price Rose : (falls off chair, dies) I’M ON TO YOU, ROBBIE! Nevertheless, go on. With best service and i...

Ash Wednesday was last week, and it left me with a dilemma. I must first backtrack a bit. When I was young and immature—the post-college early 20s, when you’re supposed to be an adult but are nowhere near such a thing—I also had an Ash Wednesday dilemma. There was a church near my job at the time, and I attended a service during lunch. However, I spent the entire service not reflecting on the Lenten season or my faith, but wondering whether or not I would keep the ashes on my forehead when I returned to work.  Again, the struggle then was sheer vanity and immaturity, although I’m proud to say I did keep the ashes on my forehead, a decision that became a milestone on my treacherous path to a moderately mature adulthood. As the years have gone by, I have managed to remain steadfast in keeping the ashes on my forehead for the remainder of the day. I mean, Christ died for our sins, so it’s the least I can do, right? I still attend a lunchtime service and come back to w...

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE DEBBIES OUT THERE ALSO WTF THE PROTOTYPICAL DEBBIE IS BETTY BOOP’S HEAD WEARING A NATIVE AMERICAN HEADBAND PHOTOSHOPPED ONTO LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER’S BODY ALL Y'ALL DEBBIES OUT THERE BE LOOKING JUST LIKE THAT, IT’S TRUE Emotional spectrum: You wouldn’t want to be on the bad side of Debbie. FEELS LIKE MAYBE A DEBBIE WROTE THIS Personality: Fresh as a drop of rain. CAN A DEBBIE TRANSLATE WHAT THIS MEANS FOR ME Travel & Leisure: Travel is best enjoyed with her friends. THAT’S WEIRD CAUSE PEOPLE WITH OTHER NAMES BE LIKIN’ TO TRAVEL BY THEMSELVES OR WITH A HERD OF CATTLE Career & Money: Investments made early keep Debbie comfortable in the golden years. THIS CHARACTERISTIC IS EXCLUSIVE TO DEBBIES. BARBARAS BE ALL LIKE, IMMA BLOW THIS CASH ON OAK DESKS AND MALE STRIPPERS Life’s Opportunities: Tried and true, but welcomes new innovations. I REGRET NOT NAMING BOTH OF MY DAUGHTERS DEBBIE. THEY WOULD HAVE WEL...

Subject: Is it safe to transact business with you on this email? I feel like I am on an episode of 24 . Is it safe? WHO KNOWS. Mad peeps been trying to take me down for years, so there’s no telling who’s watching me. I am a very important man who was trained by the C.I.A. to do cool stuff, but then they turned on me and left me for dead. At first I couldn’t remember anything, but it’s slowly coming back to me, and my karate skills are second nature, so I’ve been beating up lots of dudes for no apparent reason. Anyway, hold up – let me reconfigure my email settings to make sure this is safe … (sets junk email filter to “high”) (tries to download firewall) PETE’S FIREWALL IS $29.99 PER MONTH, PLEASE CLICK ‘I AGREE’ TO TERMS OF USE What? Pfft. Screw that. ‘Bout to go offline on this bee-otch ... (clicks “go offline”) WEB ERROR: PLEASE CHECK YOUR INTERNET CONNECTION Freakin’ Big Brother. Hold up. (logs out of Facebook) Aiiight, we should be safe now. What’s poppin’...

Three years ago my sister and brother-in-law gave my wife and I a $25 voucher to a restaurant website as a gift. Let’s say the website was called something jazzy like, oh I don’t know … restaurant.com (that is the name).  When I received this gift I thought, cool, we will use this toward a restaurant and then we will eat at that restaurant and I will be happy and satisfied. I logged on to restaurant.com. “Find a restaurant near you!” Okay, restaurant.com! I will do that. Please find the closest restaurant to zip code 85381. Restaurant.com said, “Sorry, zero results.” I expanded my search. How about 10 miles outside of 85381? Can you do that, restaurant.com? “Nope!” How about 25 miles? FIFTY  miles? “You can dine at a hotel café in Scottsdale or a Chinese buffet on the border of Glendale and Phoenix.” I chose the Chinese buffet. If you know nothing about my wife and me, you know how much we love to drive 45 minutes to eat at a Chinese buffet. My wife is Ital...