Spam email of the week

Subject: Position offer 832OZY471838/5531

What has two thumbs and is about to be offered a position?

After saw your resume we found it quite impressive and would like to offer you to be a part of friendly team.

Dope. This excellent verbiage lends an air of legitimacy to this job offer. By the way where did you see my resume? I posted one version to a site called doperesumes.com that listed my objective as “being part of a friendly team” and my skills as “friendliness” and “liking teams.” That was probably the one.

I am Clarissa M. Guillen and I am HR Manager at enterprise named Buying LLC. At this moment we have an opening for Personal Virtual Assistant.

Will you hold it against me if I am an actual person? I’m not saying I am, just wondering. (Oh, another one of my skills is “buying.” Forgot to mention that on the rez.)

Salary: $3,000.00 $36,000 Annual Salary;

Three grand a year seems a little on the low end, but I understand this uniquely-named LLC is probably a start-up. I can make sacrifices at the outset. That said, are there bonuses?

Bonuses: Yes;

OK, that seems explanatory enough. Judging from the salary range, I’ll guess the bonuses can be anything from a fruit basket to an airplane.

Career growth: Available;

Is it too early to decline this? I decline this.

Trial period: Yes, 30-Day;

For you or me? Let’s say for you.

Post schedule: 5 days a week on regular tasks; few hours per day;

Yeah well, OK, I mean, I know I’m new to this job, but this seems a little micro-manage-y. I’m used to working a couple, or—if it’s really crazy—a handful of hours per day. On menial tasks. I don’t do Fridays. We’ll talk.

Type of job: home-based;

Whenever I meet someone and I ask, “What type of job do you have?” and they say “Home-based,” I know I am dealing with someone who is good at jobs and also describing them. Anyway, this seems perfectly in line with being part of a friendly team.

Please look below at basic job duties:

I am going to look below now.

- Research for projects as needed using the Internet;

I’m familiar with the internet. Hoping that “as needed” means “not often.” And by “projects” you mean “bras.” And by “research” you mean “research.”

- Shopping and acquisitions including gift ideas, purchasing, wrapping and delivering as needed;

Wait, is my boss Santa Claus?!

- Arrangements for VIP or out-of-town customers with scheduling, booking, collaboration and follow-up.

“Yes, Mel Gibson, I understand you are concerned that I have not booked your trip yet to the La Quinta Inn for the big Buying LLC convention. But I am still researching on the internet while also trying to gift wrap this tin of sugar cookies. You’ll just have to be patient. What? No, sugar cookies. Oh. You really shouldn’t call me that.”

For you to fill this vacancy you have to be at least 18 y.o..

These qualifications are tough, but I am checking off all the boxes here.

It is a plus to be experienced in office equipment handling.

Oh I can handle the equipment all right.

…

That was a sexua-

We expect you to start work ASAP.

Uh too late because I’ve already started. I am at my desk and just bought a bunch of stuff. How do I submit for reimbursement? What is our tax ID?

Please write us back and we will get in touch with you shortly for a conversation.

About the bonus, right? Because I have questions/ideas.