Milky chance

A friend and co-worker revealed recently that when he went to elementary school in the Midwest, they were given milk in bags. Like, individually, for lunch, each kid got milk in a bag. In a bag.

No one had ever heard of such a thing. He texted his wife to make sure he wasn’t crazy and SHE TOO enjoyed milk in a bag as a youth. But she also grew up in the Midwest and we attributed the whole situation to random, bizarre, flyover state milk consumption habits. (We also assumed the two of them met in some Illinois grammar school—“Illinois Grammar School”—making flirty eyes from across the cafeteria while sipping gross ass milk from a dang sack.)

But THEN, in an odd coincidence, a Facebook friend of my wife, who we don’t think is from the middle of the country, posted a pic of milk in a bag with a caption along the lines of, “Who remembers these from back in the day LOL” and people DID. They did remember! WHAT THE HELL. Literally for 37 years I had never heard of milk in a bag, and then in the span of like four days I was bombarded with milk-in-a-bag information.

Like this:

This is totally my friend and his wife, by the way, save for … a lot things. Forget it, it’s not them.

Mini-Sip? “Only take mini sips from the bag, kids! In ’91 we had four near milk bag-related drownings, but there’s a new sheriff in town and NOT ON MY WATCH! Mini-sips!”

You know what offers “LESS WASTE” of the milk itself than milk in a bag? Literally milk in any other container. Milk in a conch shell is more efficient. And tasty! Considering plastic is toxic.

STEP 1: Place your Mini-Sip Pouch flat on the table.

Don’t go trying to puncture this thing while holding it above your head in mid-air, kids. IT’S NOT A DANG PINATA!

STEP 2: Hold the pointed straw with your thumb over the flat end. While squeezing the Pouch tightly, push the straw into the air bubble.

Capri Sun was like any other drink growing up, except for the allure of it being, basically, a sack. A sack of juice. I used to be able to get the straw in no problem as a kid, but now that I’m an adult, I can mysteriously no longer accomplish this feat. (I am referencing occasions during which we’re at a kids party and my girls want Capri Sun. I no longer drink Capri Sun personally, FYI.) There is a better chance I will injure myself or destroy all crucial elements of the Capri Sun than successfully insert the straw. You have one chance to get at Capri Sun and YOU BEST NOT MISS, SON. That should be their motto.

ANYWAY, what’s my point? Oh yeah, this sack o’ milk is pretty much like Capri Sun, and who knows—maybe there’s some scientific evidence that kids enjoy something more when they have to STAB IT. But dang with these instructions and inherent risks! How is “1. Open carton 2. Drink milk” not easier and safer? I can’t believe these things existed (exist?).

STEP 3: Stop squeezing and remove your thumb from the top of the straw. Enjoy your cold milk!

How about I tell YOU when I'm done squeezing! (twss)

I’d normally be critical of instructions that specify you must remove your finger from the end of the straw in order to drink from the straw, but these are milk-in-a-bag instructions so everything is out the window. “NOW SIP FROM YOUR LIPS AND MOUTH AND NOT YOUR EAR CANAL, MIDWESTERN CHILD.”

As far as the milk being cold, I’m going to have to trust it because few things evoke more assumptions of “room temperature” than a sack of milk lying dead on a table. Anyway, I can't even with this. It's all too much for me and, quite frankly, a little disturbing.