Spam email of the week

Subject: DEAR BENEFICIARY---YOUR LONG AWAITED FUND WAS FINALLY RELEASED TODAY!!!

Cool cool cool.

From: Miss Donna Gwen

Verified.

Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $3.5,000,000,00

I read this as three dollars and fifty ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeents. But it’s “to the tune” of that so who knows—it could be more.

Million us dollars

Oh sweet.

due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your  end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

“And we would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids this email.” – selfish, swindling corrupt government officials

The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current Governor of Washington DC his Excellency Governor Jay Inslee to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owned to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling,Inheritance and the likes.

It only makes sense that the governor of DC would finally release my gambling winnings. Because I live in D.C. and gamble a lot and that is how gambling works.

Now how would you like to receive your payment?

Straight cash, homey.

Because we have two method of payment which is by Check or by ATM card?

Hmmm, that’s a tough one. Can you describe how those work? I don’t know about anything.

ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $10,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2018. Also with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.

ATM card manual

Congratulations on your new automatic teller machine card! Now you are ready to withdraw money from an ATM and finally get back your gambling winnings from the government.

Step 1: Insert your ATM card into the machine as shown on the machine.

Step 2: Type in the custom pin sent to you via email from Miss Donna Gwen of the FBI (winky face emoticon).

Step 3: Choose the account you want to draw the money from. Don’t have an account? NO PROBLEM! Just …

Hold on … checking on this …

Step 4: Walk into the bank and set up an account. Do so under the name “Mr. Bert Frank.” Seriously, this should work. Tell them the Governor of D.C., Jay Inslee (?), sent you money but he accidentally put it inside their machine and you need to get it out. Tell them to call him if they want, but they probably won’t because you just name-dropped a government official so they’ll totally believe you. (If they do call him though, walk out of the bank briskly.)

Step 5: Casually withdraw $10,000 every day for the next 350 days. The bank will think this is good and normal.

Step 6: Time to reinvest this money by gambling.

Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option and would be mailed to you via UPS.

Choose any option you want! Choose UPS. UPS is the only option.

Because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expire in next three weeks you will only need to pay $380 instead of $720 saving you $340

“Your contract with us is set to expire so please give your customers like half-off on everything.” – UPS, to you

Ha ha, UPS is so weird. Anyway, $380 seems a like reasonable amount to pay so that I might finally receive all of my gambling money that I got from gambling.

So if you pay before the three weeks you save $340

Yup, got it.

Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters

Oh wow, thanks so much. I’ll be on the lookout for anyone trying to charge me $400 to mail out a piece of paper. I’ll be like, “STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU’RE A FRAUDSTERS!” You and I, Donna, are bonded by our common distaste for a fraudsters and for fraudster in general.

and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any. Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $380.00 nothing more! Nothing less!

Whew! Man, I was very worried about having to spend less than $380. Such a relief. Anyway, I think I’m going to choose the ATM card.