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Subject: Vacancy(8163164346843) Looks like there’s a vacancy at the ol’ (8163164346843). Gonna book my reservation now before the ol’ (8163164346843), as it is wont to do, fills up with as$hole tourists. Hello, Your contact was provided by the job-board where you recently posted your CV. I’m as surprised I posted my CV to a job board as I am that I knew enough about what a CV was to post one. But hey, if you say so. Our Company needs today Branch Coordinator. Your company needs today Email Writerer, like … yesterday. On recommendation we had concerning your candidature, I'm kindly want you to seriously weight this letter. I would describe the weight of this letter as very heavy on nonsense gibberish crap. But I DID weigh it with a furrowed brow, and thus, seriously. Now let me show the key point of our Company's business. Please. We provide the best-in class delivery services for our partners outside of the United States. We proceed co...

GRANDMA MEMES I’M IN GRANDMA LET’S GO GET SOME COCAINE AND PROSTITUTES I MEAN WHAT MY BAD, LET’S EAT TOO MUCH SHERBERT LEAVE A 7% TIP I DON’T GIVE A WHAAAAAAAAT GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF PUTTING FOUR EXCLAMATION POINTS INSTEAD OF A QUESTION MARK THIS GRANDMA GIVES ZERO Fs TOO BAD GRANDMAS ARE SO OLD WHAT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN IS SHIPPING AND HANDLING MORE AGE I DON’T WHAT MAYBE THE COMMENTS WILL HELP THE COMMENTS DIDN’T HELP OH WAIT MY BAD THAT HELPS GRANDMA WAS IN THE PACKAGE THE WHOLE TIME AND SHE HAS A CONCUSSION? SHE STILL ESPECIAL THO ESPECIALLY OLD LOL GOOD NIGHT

Subject:   DEAR BENEFICIARY---YOUR LONG AWAITED FUND WAS FINALLY RELEASED TODAY!!! Cool cool cool. From: Miss Donna Gwen Verified. Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $3.5,000,000,00 I read this as three dollars and fifty ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeents. But it’s “to the tune” of that so who knows—it could be more. Million us dollars Oh sweet. due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your  end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund. “And we would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids this email.” – selfish, swindling corrupt government of...

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL WHAT IF I SEE YOU WITH THIS BOTTLE BUT IT’S EMPTY LIKE THIS BOTTLE I’LL STILL RUN I GUESS NOT TRYING TO GET CHOKED OUT LOL I HAVE A FAMILY THOSE ARE EMPHATIC INSTRUCTIONS “USE AS DIRECTED MOTHA F_______!!!!!!!” – YOUR DOCTOR A.K.A DR. GRAMMAR, EMDEEEE “IMMA PREVENT THE URGE OF RUNNING THIS LABIL THROUGH SPELL CHICK ( POPS PILL )” – ALSO YOUR DOCTOR FEELS LIKE MAYBE YOU’RE PROJECTING YOUR WHITE TRASH DRAMA/NONSENSE/LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY AND MATURITY ONTO OTHERS BY BLAMING THEM FOR YOUR SELF-INDUCED ADVERSITY AND THREATENING THEM WITH PHYSICAL VIOLENCE WHICH ONLY SERVES TO PERPETUATE YOUR PRESENT STATE WHICH IS YOU CONSTANTLY PORTRAYING YOURSELF AS THE VICTIM OF IDIOCY WHEN YOU ARE IN FACT THE IDIOT BUT HEY I’M NO DACTOR I MEAN WHAT CRAZY PILLS LOL KEEP THE MEMES COMIN’

Subject: Attn: Dear Beneficiary This subject has a) a subject, b) an “Attn” AND c) a salutation. I am blushing. ICPC NIGERIA (Anti-Fraud Unit) we fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation. I would like to make this into one of those law firm-esque commercials you see during the day while staying home from work and watching Judge Joe Brown because you have diarrhea a hangover a bad cold. Narrator : ICPC NIGERIA, Anti-Fraud Unit! (gavel slams onto an anvil, everything shatters into pieces) Narrator : We fight against, fraud, funds delay, and impersonation! (explosion) Lawyer quick talk voice : ICPCNigeriaisnotafederallyrecognizedinstitution, fightagainstimpersonationsdoesnotincludehilariousRonBurgundyvoices Attn: Dear Beneficiary This letter will definitely be amazing to you because of it’s a realistic value. So far this letter is amazing because of its typos, but I’m sure it will prove to have realistic value as well. Sorry for...

I REMEMBER WHEN THE MINIONS SAID THIS IN THE MINIONS MOVIE SO TRUE SO TRUE TIMES ARE A CHANGIN’ “BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY” – THE JERSEY BOYZ (?), 1907 “BIG GIRLS CRY A LITTLE BIT, BUT THEN THEY KEEP HAVING A SWORDFIGHT” – MINIONS, 2015 AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT SPEAKING OF ENLIGHTENMENT LET’S GO TO THE COMMENTS THANK YOU AMY. HERE IS AMY: “I DON’T CRY … THEN CRY WHEN I’M ALONE LATER.” EIGHT PEOPLE LIKE THIS. MAKE IT NINE (ME) BERNADETTE DOESN’T LIKE OLIVIA BECAUSE OLIVIA IS IRRITATING IF I WAS OLIVIA I'D BE LIKE, "CALL ME WHEN YOU GET A PROFILE PIC AND LEARN HOW TO SPELL YOU STUPID BITCH" OR SOMETHING ANYWAY I SMELL A SWORDFIGHT BREWIN’ WHAT ABOUT YOU PAM? THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID J/K PAM YOU HANG IN THERE THANKS AGAIN PAM FOR YOUR INPUT #MINIONS

Subject: FEEL some warmth of Wren Y. Buran’s genitals I feel pretty confident stating that I will never receive an email with a more wonderful subject header. Adieu baby . This is Wren!! Couple things, Wren. Adieu means goodbye, so … goodbye baby to you, too? Also, are you the same Wren from the subject? The one whose genitals are going to keep me warm this summer? If so, please—go on. I found your profile via facebook. I was excited! You’re cute! Thanks, Wren! I just want to make sure you understand that I am the dude in my facebook profile picture and not the chic, who is my wife. Cause lemme tell ya’—she does NOT believe that genitals are a legitimate source of warmth, so don’t even waste your time. I want to share some hot photos with you, babe! OK. But what if the hotness generated from the photos precludes me from needing the warmth of your genti- Got big boobs, and a big butt… and know how to use them J I read that big boobs are only utilitar...