So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

Subject: WRITE ME BACK This is aggressive. Can I read the email fir- HAVE YOU AT ANY TIME SENT OR RECEIVED MONEY THROUGH OUR SERVICE? Depends. What is your service? Are you Johnny Paypa- HAVE YOU EVER SENT MONEY TO ANY ONE IN AFRICA FOR ANY REASON? Uh, who hasn’t? Where do you get your futons, America ? Pffft. HAVE YOU AT ANY TIME MADE PAYMENT FOR AN ORDER YOU NEVER RECEIVED? Yes. College. #bu-dum-ching! #drunk4dayz #dontremembernothin #studentloans #collegelife We ask these questions because your email was provided as a victim of one of the above circumstance, Seems legit that my email would know first. Officials in top places Bad eggs officials ? Prolly. have failed to deliver your payment which the results of failures encountered have left you with no option but discouragement. It's a new day and the beginning of your dream come through if only you adhere to the instructions in this mail. I always felt that my new...

Subject: SHIPMENT Amazon, is that you? (checks to see who email is from) From: webweboffice90@yahoo.pt Oh, it’s web web office 90, a place I order from regularly on the web web. Everything is cool cool. Dear owner, I own, alright. I own the sh*t out of things. I am Mr. David Ellis, Head Officer-in-Charge, Administrative Service Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency in Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia. Can they fit all that on your Head Officer-in-Charge (lol) badge, or is it just like: Mr. David Ellis, HOiC, ASIUUNIA, H-JIAAG My point is, you are stupid. During our investigation, Provide context much? Boom, roasted. I discovered an abandoned shipment through a Diplomat from United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy Airport to our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes  I don't mean to cut you off but how much do thes...

I’m not an alarmist when it comes to generational trends. If we were to travel back in time, I would bet the first generation of cavemen lamented that their children just didn’t slay wildebeests with the same skill and youthful passion they themselves had once exhibited. And so on and so forth throughout history, proving that everything we’ve lamented along the way was either insignificant or progression itself. But I have to admit I’m disconcerted with the increasing influence of phones, and that’s coming from someone who’s written approximately 17 columns about his phone and/or Verizon . Not that I think this is a generational trend as much as a cultural one. For example, my mother-in-law, who until recently was still going about life boasting a flip phone, is now regularly interrupted during conversations by alerts she can’t seem to turn off from a game app called Crossy Road . Lest this humble opinion give ammunition to those decrying phones is general, please. No. Th...

Note: You'll have to click on each individual pic (five of them) because I could not for the life of me figure out how to upload an annotated Word doc to Blogger.

I was recently part of a “guy’s weekend” hiking trip in Sedona. It wasn’t long ago that, in this very space, I made light of the lack of things to do in Sedona . I guess I stand corrected in that you can definitely walk around there in the dirt. I kid, of course, although I’ve always been intrigued by how “hiking” came to be. Hiking is just walking, no, but on slightly different terrain? Like, if you’re walking on this, it’s walking, but if you’re walking on THIS, it’s hiking, and you’re going to need some super ugly shoes, a giant stick, and a safari hat. I suppose I’ve never felt that such a distinction was justified. Also, the more treacherous hiking becomes, the more closely it resembles mountain climbing, which is definitely the activity we were doing. We climbed three mountains in Sedona, and it was no doubt an invaluable bonding experience, spiritually enlightening, and all that jazz. But that’s not what you want to hear about. Because I think we might have saved th...

Subject: UN COMPENSATION FUND OFFER FOR YOU It’s unclear whether the United Nations is offering me compensation—which would be completely understandable considering the finances I have fronted from my throne of diplomacy—or whether someone is un -compensating me for something—equally understandable considering my former, rarely spoken of Robinhood-esque background. DEAR BENEFICIARY   This letter is written to you in order to change your life from today. Cool. I am Rev Mike Donald Duck the Director, I can’t. I’m out. (packs suitcase, leaves) … … … … … (three months later) I ran out of funds in the wilderness so I guess I have to listen to what the good Reverend Mike Donald Duck has to say. International Remittance Department of this Bank, my Boss, Mr. Jacobs M. Ajekigbe, the Managing Director/CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me to make all international payments. I bet...

Subject: urgent reply Like I don’t have enough stress in my life. I hereby send to you the information submitted by Mr.JOHNSON MARK U.S.A of Florida group Ltd, with an application to receive your payment on your behalf. The only thing I trust less than someone named Mr.JOHNSON MARK is Florida. Please as a matter of urgency, you are required to verify the following information and inform us if you are aware or know anything about this. on MONDAY I’m sorry, what day was it? on MONDAY Come again? on MONDAY OK. Mr. JOHNSON MARK came to the office claiming that you  have instructed him to come and receive the payment on your behalf with some representatives. I did no such thing, and suffice it to say I am livid at Mr. JOHNSON MARK. Did the “representatives” with him happen to be middle-aged men wearing St. Joseph’s High School varsity bowling jackets and claiming I “owed them?” Doesn’t matter. Please tell me you told them to come back lat...

When my brother-in-law visits Arizona, he oftentimes arrives with gifts, like a late-January Santa. Although he himself would never phrase it this way, he’s kind of a big deal at his job back East. This status has earned him discounts on various apparel, which he uses to his advantage when buying gifts, since, admittedly, none of us are worth paying retail for. A couple of years ago he arrived with a “ratchet belt” for me, a gift he had bestowed on every guy in our family over the holidays and which was enjoyed immensely. The ratchet belt is an easily adjustable belt that comes in handy when you’ve eaten too much and need to adjust your waistline because of gluttony. That holiday season witnessed all the men on my wife’s side of the family eating exorbitant amounts of food without remorse and then collectively yelling, “RATCHET UP!” at the dinner table while adjusting their pants in front of everyone. I was sad to have missed this. I enjoyed the ratchet belt for a brie...

Subject: I have a question about your service Looks like someone has a question about my service. Hello, My name is Karl Butler. Hello, Karl. I'm writing you about your company, Wazee's World Laser Zone. OK, yes, that is definitely my company. I am Wazee. I was looking over your website, ( http://www.wazeesworld.com ), That is my website, guilty as charged. Thank you for putting my website in parentheses in case I had forgotten it, which I did. Hope you like the name. As I am fond of saying to my staff here, “It’s my—Wazee’s—world, y’all are just living in it. Now let’s make some (expletive) lasers.” and your company would be a great fit for what my company does. My mind races with the possibilities of what it could be your company does that greatly assists in the oversaturated world of laser zones. We can double your current sales volume over the next 30 days. One thing I can say about you, Karl—you don’t mess around. Now, le...

Subject: Katie Anderson | Custom   Tote Bags I wonder what this is about. Custom Tote Bags Prolly custom tote bags? My name is Katie Anderson and I hope your day is going as stress free as possible My only stress is a glaring lack of custom tote bags. and I would like to show our new custom imprinted tote bags to the person who handles the marketing. That would be me. I handle all the marketing for custom tote bags at this newspaper. If you would like to see samples please fill out our Sample Bag Request Form CAN’T TALK NOW BOSS, FILLING OUT A THREE-PAGE FORM TO RECEIVE FREE SAMPLE TOTE BAGS. BY THE WAY WHAT IS YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER? I’m excited about these custom tote bags because I’ve always heard that a big tote means fewer trips. Eh, probably just an urban legend. That is the biggest tote I have ever seen. Features a 23” long handle straps cross stitched for reinforcement, an 10” W gusset and a supportiv...

My wife, on the road for work, had a cancellation and so decided to ask her parents, in town for a few weeks, if they wanted to meet for coffee. The location at which she asked them to meet was Donutsville. My in-laws were happy to oblige. My father-in-law was just about to make the suggestion that he and his wife go out for lunch, so this was perfect. However, due to my father-in-law’s uncanny selective hearing, he interpreted his daughter’s request to meet for a coffee as “meet for lunch” and, rather hilariously, was under the impression they were meeting at a place called “Lunchville.” It must be noted that earlier that morning, my in-laws had enjoyed coffee and a donut at the local Dunkin’ Donuts and, because he works hard to keep a slim figure, my father-in-law had been feeling guilty about the morning donut. It’s difficult to imagine a delicacy he was more averse to at that very moment than donuts. My wife waited for them in the parking lot; however, probably ou...